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Hello all,

How are you guys? I hope everyone's doing well.

Maybe you guys can shed some light here.

So I can't tell if I have HPPD or some kind of mental disorder. I've become obsessed with looking up the symptoms I've been experiencing, for example: visual snow (being the strongest symptom), anxiety, social phobia, depersonalization yada yada the whole bit. They all overlap into one disorder or the other so it's impossible to try and figure out what's going on by myself.. The only thing I've been officially diagnosed with is generalized anxiety and social phobia, which was done by my psychotherapist. I can tell she didn't really understand my symptoms fully, as I never told her about my past drug "experiences". I'm almost too nervous to bring it up.. But I know I have to and I plan to next Wednesday. Hopefully this will help her understand a bit better.

By the way, I've tripped shrooms 2 times in my life. The first being amazing and the second being absolutely terrifying.. Which is weird cause it was from the same batch? This was about a year ago. I tripped LSD 2 times as well, once being a couple weeks ago and the other almost 2 years ago.

Moving on, so after my bad experience on shrooms, I woke up the next day and immediatley starting noticing the visual snow. I freaked out and thought I screwed up my brain and that nothing was ever going to go back to normal. I began to obsess over looking up symptoms, similar to what I'm doing now, and got really stressed out. Luckily I wasn't doing shit that summer so I could relax and focus on myself. This helped a lot for the school year coming up (I'm in college).. By the time school came around I was cool. Visual snow was bearable, but I for sure noticed my social phobia and anxiety. I never realized I had this until my HPPD like symptoms began. So yeah yeah, end the school year and now it's this summer. (By the way, I failed a class because I had such a fear of doing a presentation I just didn't show up and got an F.. Sucks. That's another one I'm trying to figure out because it was NEVER a problem before).

Anyway, I really had no problems so far this summer.. I mean I've been going through a really emotional breakup for the past couple of months, but nothing too bad that would trigger my distress. Furthermore though, I know I have a tough year coming up.. I'm already behind in school (going into my senior year) and will be trying to catch up while taking graduate level classes. I'm stressing out because I don't know I've I'll be able to handle it.. Especially without a clear mind.

So what's freaking my out right now? Let's see:

1. Visual snow is so intense, I notice it 24/7 and think about it 24/7. It really sucks cause I can't focus in my summer class cause all I can see are dots and slight after images and halos around the professor.. Around everything. So that's stressing me out cause if I fail I'm fucked.

2. Light/focus and some color sensitivity. Mainly the focus is throwing me off.. Sometimes, for example, say someone is walking in across my line of path. I'll be able to only focus on their movements and everything is complete blurry behind them. Similar to a cameras focus if you know what I mean. (This ones hard to explain)

3. Depersonalization?.. I don't know about this one. It's more of my inability to function in public. For example, at work people will be talking to me and I'll have nothing to say. Literally can't like think of what to say. And if I do, I doubt myself that it will come out right. I feel like a damn retard. This was never a problem before. I also feel like I'm tripping out sometimes.. Usually it's right when I start working, it takes me forever to get used to the environment ie. Sounds, smells, sights, the people etc.

4. What else hm. I oversleep a lot.. On days I don't work or have class I'll sleep 12+ hours. On days I have to do stuff I stress out as soon as I'm awake and the day becomes a long harsh reality for me. No motivation at all really.. Or sometimes I'll have extreme motivation. I don't know how to explain it. More or less, I wake up and I'm like "well, another day of this visual bullshit"

5. And finally depression. I feel like I can never beat this. I feel like I can't tell my grandparents (whom I'm raised by). And I feel like I have a mental disorder. I feel hopeless.. Not really sad, but regretful of the past year or so and scared of the future.

Phew. Please help.

-Sean

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Hello all,

How are you guys? I hope everyone's doing well.

Maybe you guys can shed some light here.

So I can't tell if I have HPPD or some kind of mental disorder. I've become obsessed with looking up the symptoms I've been experiencing, for example: visual snow (being the strongest symptom), anxiety, social phobia, depersonalization yada yada the whole bit. They all overlap into one disorder or the other so it's impossible to try and figure out what's going on by myself.. The only thing I've been officially diagnosed with is generalized anxiety and social phobia, which was done by my psychotherapist. I can tell she didn't really understand my symptoms fully, as I never told her about my past drug "experiences". I'm almost too nervous to bring it up.. But I know I have to and I plan to next Wednesday. Hopefully this will help her understand a bit better.

By the way, I've tripped shrooms 2 times in my life. The first being amazing and the second being absolutely terrifying.. Which is weird cause it was from the same batch? This was about a year ago. I tripped LSD 2 times as well, once being a couple weeks ago and the other almost 2 years ago.

Moving on, so after my bad experience on shrooms, I woke up the next day and immediatley starting noticing the visual snow. I freaked out and thought I screwed up my brain and that nothing was ever going to go back to normal. I began to obsess over looking up symptoms, similar to what I'm doing now, and got really stressed out. Luckily I wasn't doing shit that summer so I could relax and focus on myself. This helped a lot for the school year coming up (I'm in college).. By the time school came around I was cool. Visual snow was bearable, but I for sure noticed my social phobia and anxiety. I never realized I had this until my HPPD like symptoms began. So yeah yeah, end the school year and now it's this summer. (By the way, I failed a class because I had such a fear of doing a presentation I just didn't show up and got an F.. Sucks. That's another one I'm trying to figure out because it was NEVER a problem before).

Anyway, I really had no problems so far this summer.. I mean I've been going through a really emotional breakup for the past couple of months, but nothing too bad that would trigger my distress. Furthermore though, I know I have a tough year coming up.. I'm already behind in school (going into my senior year) and will be trying to catch up while taking graduate level classes. I'm stressing out because I don't know I've I'll be able to handle it.. Especially without a clear mind.

So what's freaking my out right now? Let's see:

1. Visual snow is so intense, I notice it 24/7 and think about it 24/7. It really sucks cause I can't focus in my summer class cause all I can see are dots and slight after images and halos around the professor.. Around everything. So that's stressing me out cause if I fail I'm fucked.

2. Light/focus and some color sensitivity. Mainly the focus is throwing me off.. Sometimes, for example, say someone is walking in across my line of path. I'll be able to only focus on their movements and everything is complete blurry behind them. Similar to a cameras focus if you know what I mean. (This ones hard to explain)

3. Depersonalization?.. I don't know about this one. It's more of my inability to function in public. For example, at work people will be talking to me and I'll have nothing to say. Literally can't like think of what to say. And if I do, I doubt myself that it will come out right. I feel like a damn retard. This was never a problem before. I also feel like I'm tripping out sometimes.. Usually it's right when I start working, it takes me forever to get used to the environment ie. Sounds, smells, sights, the people etc.

4. What else hm. I oversleep a lot.. On days I don't work or have class I'll sleep 12+ hours. On days I have to do stuff I stress out as soon as I'm awake and the day becomes a long harsh reality for me. No motivation at all really.. Or sometimes I'll have extreme motivation. I don't know how to explain it. More or less, I wake up and I'm like "well, another day of this visual bullshit"

5. And finally depression. I feel like I can never beat this. I feel like I can't tell my grandparents (whom I'm raised by). And I feel like I have a mental disorder. I feel hopeless.. Not really sad, but regretful of the past year or so and scared of the future.

Phew. Please help.

-Sean

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