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HPPD or drug-induced psychosis or just something else..?


Sentragon
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Hello. 

As the title says, I have something going on but I'm not entirely clear on what it could possibly be. So here is a bit more detailed version than my introduction.

 

This would be alot easier to descrbibe by talking rather than with text but I'll give it my best shot and hopefully you will get what I mean. So it all started when I was about 18, about a year after I took LSD for the first time. My history of druguse is quite heavy when it comes to psychadelics and MDMA and I'm more than certain that my visuals are a direct effect of the druguse rather than anything else.
 
It all started out with small colorshifts where the borders seemed to dissappear on objects with a striped pattern and textures
with 'fuzzy" patterns started to move around a little. Just as when one is on psychadelics. This amazed me from the very beginning even though it was very weak to start with. Time went on and so did my drugabuse and everntually I got heavy visual snow, floater, tracers, patterns being created all over my vision, colorshifts, glowing fields (not sure if these are counted togheter with the visual snow or not), after images, breathing objects, lines coming in from the sides creating their own patterns, "saved images" from when closing and opening my eyes CEV's I assume but they keep the pattern of the object as it as when my eyes were open, impaired nightvision, tunnelvision and more. 
 
Then I some other symptoms aswell, not sure if they are related or not since I had a few since before the visuals started. Anyways, headaches, tinnitus, light sensitivity, I easily get light headed, sometimes I get struckt with sudden fatigue. I've also suffered/suffering from depression, aggressions and a lack of emotional contact which makes me feel drained and emptied out of feelings at times. I also suffer from anxiety, lack of selfconfidence, lack of interest and a heavy lack of concentration.
 
All of this never really bothered me and I kind of found a way to not see the visuals all the time. The biggest issue is that I tend to zone out quite alot. My little trick is that I have bad eyesight, mostly focusissues which is something I learnt to fix by myself without
glasses/lenses when I was very young. So when I don't fix my eyesight I lose focus and my visuals become extremely intesified meanwhile if I control my eyesight the visuals are not at all as noticeble unless I want them to be. Which brings me to my next point, I've learnt to actually control the visuals to a certain point. They are always vreating what they seemingly wany but I can choose to intensify them with focus, create patterns, make colors shift, make objects breathe heavier etc. This has for me brought me great joy and made it so much easier for me the actually accept the visual "defects".
 
Now the the very last point which is the thing that makes me uncertain that I actually suffer from HPPD or more likely are stuck in a 
seemingly neverending trip, aka psychosis? 
 
The control I got over my visuals are thanks to something I can only describe as two dots or extra set of eyes behind my eyes. I simply move them around as if I was looking around and with that the visuals move in desired patterns, but as said, still with their own will sort of.
It's very hard to describe, especially with text. After time I've learnt to split each "eye" as far as up to three separate dots behind each
actual eye which makes me able to create even more complex patterns. All of this though, takes a great deal of focus and is draining my energy rather quickly which makes it hard for me to do it in extended periods of time. As a bonus, which expecially seems to separate me from your average HPPD sufferer is that with this I also get a controlled euforia. It intensifies with my play with visuals and focus and can be move around to desired areas of the body and seems to me like a naturally occuring high more or less. This is the thing that the most makes me think that I actually don't have HPPD but something far more pleasant, whatever that could be.
 
As far as most of this goes tho, HPPD seems to be the only thing where my symptoms properly fit in regarding my visuals. Still I have to say that it concerns me that my visuals might get worse with more drugusage and to be honest, much more won't be very fun cause then I might lose my ability to actually see past the visuals and they might actually be to much for me to handle. With that said I am currently 23 years old, have been doing my fair share of drugs since the age of 15 and are currently clean since almost three months back which for me now is the start to a completly sober life for a few reasons but the fright of worsening my current state being a top three reason to get rid of it all.
 
Thanks for reading

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

i dont want to read this cuz its too long, but my brain percieves faces and shit where they shouldnt be... like cars and shit. If I look at static on a TV or close my eyes, I can see patterns that obviously arent there. it affects my life. 

 

i have HPPD and this phenomenon. I think my pattern-seeking mechanism in my brain is stuck on overdrive. 

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