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I have a really atypical form of HPPD it seems...


strangegirl96
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Hi, I'm an 18 year old girl who has had hppd i believe for 8 months. I stumbled across this board a few weeks ago and decided to join hoping it might help having some support around me.

The reason why I say my HPPD is a little atypical is because of how it originated and what has happened to me. I believe I first got very mild HPPD from times in December and February I tripped. I have only ever taken what you would call actual psychedelics twice (if you discount MDMA and weed). What I took on these two trips was most likely a 2c chemical (2cb/2ci/etc). I know, I'm a dumbass. Shouldn't have took pills I didn't know the contents of. The first time I took 4/5 of the god damn things, second time I took 2. I wish I could give more info on what they are.

When I developed this really mild HPPD about 2 weeks after my second trip, I didn't really give a shit about it, I think I thought it was interesting. I remember the exact moment it onset - it was about 4.30Pm and I was walking home, I was looking at the sky and I started tripping out on the sky like I did on my second trip. I saw - and still see - little white dot 'sparkles' moving through and between each other, and 'translucent 'ripples' in the sky.

No other real symptoms though and the sky stuff was fairly mild. I started to get CEV for a month or two but i forgot about that/it left. Throughout this time every few weeks I was taking mephedrone and I took MDMA about 3 times. I noticed I started tripping out as I was coming down sometimes but it didn't last.

Then in summer I drank alcohol a decent amount, took mephedrone only once about 1g, went out the same night and smoked weed through i think it was a 'bowl'? Whatever it was it was strong as hell. I was stoned to death for hours, dry heaving, dry mouth to the point i thought i would die, the absolute lot. Finally fell asleep, woke up in the morning and everything was normal just felt reallllll hungover.

Around 3-4 weeks after that I had my first panic attack. Around 3 weeks of that is when I can say my REAL HPPD started. I had a traumatic discovery about my family, went into a state of depersonalisation and derealisation, didn't know what the fuck was wrong with me. I had no emotions at all, I didn't even feel like I existed. I felt like an object in the room. It felt and still sometimes feels like everyone else is on one plane and I am on another, its like looking through a misted up window at life. Also started getting intense headaches.

I've got over that mostly I think but when that happened... The visuals came. Oh boy they came. First noticed the visual snow. This is a constant 24/7 thing as are many of my visual symptoms. Then the visuals I previously described on the sky got more and more intense - those moving sparkles and translucent ripples in shape grew in size and speed. I also started to see these sky visuals on white/bright surfaces when outside (never inside). Recently I have developed positive after images - when i look at literally ANYTHING, like i will look at someone's eyes, look away get an after image of their eyes, same with text, objects, whatever. And a lot of floaters at night when cars are going past etc. I also have a thing with seeing a green/white circle floater in my vision. This comes and goes but it has NO OUTER STIMULUS. Two times now it has come for 4/5 days then left again.

What bothers me the most is the sky stuff - the moving sparkles and translucent ripples. Recently these have stopped being solely confined to the sky and now when I'm outside I will just see them all over, its so annoying. The ripples themselves move and they have become more defined and form weird shapes.

So yeah, I think thats the extent of my symptoms. Other than the obvious intense anxiety and depression - and agoraphobia - i have now developed more as a result. It has been two months and at the first onset In September i had suicidal thoughts. Over that mostly i think. But its been pretty hard. I'm really hoping that this gets better at least a bit soon and then keeps getting better. I am in a really frustrated place now. I've just booked on to get therapy. I dont know when il start considering meds like klonopin and keppra. If anyone has any advice for me id appreciate it soooo much!

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