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New member who lived with HPPD until the very breaking point of suicide, stumbled upon life saving medicine, have psychology degree


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Had HPPD for 3 years. Near suicide for 2 of them. Inches, inches, inches away. About a month before I, if I had to guess, believe I would have killed myself, I tried one last medicine, Keppra, and it cured me 90 percent. I just graduated with a psychology degree from Ole Miss. I am a piece of shit for not being on here sooner to help ANYONE who is afraid, has question, wants advice, just needs someone to talk to, is on the verge of suicide, anything and everything. I owe my life to this site, as it sustained me until I was absolutely and entirely lucky to stumble, after trying about 8 other medicines, something that cured me. And trust me, I know how much hearing someone say "cured" can make you want to throw up you want it so bad. And I would absolutely not say it if I did not mean it one hundred percent. My visual imperiments, after-images etc, did not improve at all I don't believe, but everything else absolutely did. Short term memory, long term memory, ability to speak, derealization and depresonalization decreased by about 90 percent, perhaps more.

I even have a list of testimonials to the benefit and effectiveness of Keppra for other people that I compiled in my last ditch attempt to not kill myself, and it is quite honestly what I think convinced the doctor to let me try it. I still have this file that I would love for everyone to have if they want it.

So, finally back to return the favor this site gave me, in that it kept me alive like a life boat until I simply got supremely lucky. If anyone is scared, just needs to talk, or are about to kill yourself, I will talk to you, any time, any place, about any thing. When I had HPPD, I was essentially schizophrenic, my sexual orientation mutated into a bysexual sort of thing that was so horrible I would hurt myself to try to feel manly again. I have no problem with any sexual orientation, but I was not gay before HPPD, but I did have the experience of being drawn sexualy to a man, imagining some form of sex with him, with my own father even (that is how merciless the disorder was), and then my former, actual self would sort of snap back into reality and it would literally feel like I had just been raped. It was like desiring to smash one's head into a brick wall, doing it, and then coming to consciousness as a person who did not like their head smashed into a brick wall.

Trust me, I have been as low, pathetic, spat upon, disowned, a dissapointment, a disaster, a person who wrote "Happy Birthday" to himself on the dust of his TV screen because no one else was there. I have been, I truly believe, about as low as one can be before suicide. I say all this to encourage anyone to be absolutely not embarrassed in any way if they wish to talk about any sort of problem.

I can provide you with philosophy to cope with HPPD, as I would have died much sooner if I had not derived some of these things. I can provide you with how to find/talk to a psychiatrist. I just really, really, desperately want to help ALL OF YOU. If I could hug you all and cry with you, I would, and if you came to my house, I would do that if you needed it. Again, I owe my life to this site.

That's it. You can respond to this post if you want to get in touch with me. Also, my email is Locrian4@gmail.com. If you need help, let me know.

-Hays

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