HPPD ME

[relentlesstrails]

Hi everyone.

 

Ive managed to avoid facing the reality of my hppd for some years now. im 28. My life is coming into focus after 4 years of chronic opiate use. But really, for 10 years ive pretended that drugs were the tool to reveal the real me. Thats a lot of self deception to undo. And now, i dont even know if i'm capable of coming close to who i could have been. Its been easy to use hppd as an excuse for hedonism. i messed this brain up before i even came to terms with who i am.  it feels so meaningless and frivolous. i spend a lot of time thinking about life as a fundamentally meaningless bio-chemical process.

Its fucking depressing, but part of me is trying to believe that i dont have to be a nihilist. hanging on to that idea is hard. it forces me to face the reality of my hppd. its so tempting to just escape the world though a lifelong smack habit.. 

 

ive never actually talked about how affected i am.

here goes

 

 

Its been a long time since i felt reality in its entirety. 

The disparity is so upsetting. I'm measurably successful in some ways. But any success i have, i compare to the unknowable potential that i have destroyed.

I would love to know the difference between peoples experience of life. 

I wonder what a healthy person would think of my experience. Im sure they would describe it as damaged and dulled. what a shame to be so detached..

 

I miss feeling integrated. like i was an entity existing within space that was subtle, delicate and clear. 

I still feel my ego. i know my existence is solid. but now it seems the world comes through a filter, a proxy that i observe. i'm not part of what i perceive. im an agent observing my senses. 

I hate not knowing how it affects my relationships. 

It takes a conscious effort to focus my mind on the present, to feel that it is real and meaningful. But this passes, and ill go for days without pulling myself back. I dont believe i can intereact with people without forgetting that existence is real.

I dont know what's missing.

I wish i could forget that my reality has faded. Ignorance would be bliss.

I wish that i knew it was worth staying clean, that this isn't as good as i get to feel. that any life i build will be missing something. 

It doesn't seem fair to start relationships.  i might be lacking something vital that other people have. some ineffable psychic presence...

 

Why is the most fundamental period of development in the hands of the most naive version of yourself?

It should be the other way around, with all the potential self destruction taking place after the measurable, important and meaningful years.

 

 

I suppose this is an introduction, but its been pretty sad core.

this is the first ive verbalized my experience

maybe some of you can relate?

 

 

 

[onedayillsailagain]

Hey man,

welcome to the forum. From what I read you've only described depersonalization/derealization and depression.. But not HPPD.
Do you experience any visual disturbances? Also, are these solely the consequence of opiate usage?

I'm not that familiar with opiates myself, so perhaps others on this forum might be able to relate better.
Nonetheless, if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Best,
Odisa

[disguyhere]

it's all too easy to long for the things that could have been... but all you can ever do is own the things that are now.

 

i could've been a research scientist working on the cutting edge biomedical devices saving millions of lives around the world today... but that will never happen now, and compating my now self to the things i could have accomplished will get me nowhere.

 

instead now i'm a kickass system developer/administrator/ and about to become my companies youngest department head. all while still in a state anyone outside of this forum wouldnt hesitate to refer to as completely batshit insane. I've owned the mistakes I've made, and reintegratedm yself into myself, and the result is that even though i still have ridiculous visuals, and occasional soul crushing dp/dr ... they do not define me.

 

only i can do that.. and only you can do that for yourself

[onedayillsailagain]

^Never say never. It might be unlikely to occur anytime soon, so momentary acceptance is indeed the way to go for now.
Oh shit I just had a vision of being 20 and still being hunched over my laptop every day trying to find the cure.. Haha let's hope that won't be the case.

But ohh man.. the wasted potential. Such unnecessary violence it is. Quite offensive to the soul. Remember that time you thought you could do anything? Well I can't, though I know there was such a time. Top of my class, I could've done anything I wanted. It's the unsatisfied intention to better the world whilst not being able to do so anymore that haunts me.

Reminds me of a song.. Well the first bit at least.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1I4ffEqE4M

 

[relentlesstrails]

Oh yeah, constant visual static on anything that doesnt already have texture. High contrast objects vibrate by 1mm at about 100hz. Darkness is two morphing blobs of purple and blue,.

The HPPD started long before the opiates. Something among the Mushrooms, 2c-i, 5meo-amt and a random assortment of research chems started it off.

Ive been on opiates to escape it. Now that i'm clean its unavoidable.

Visited a psychiatrist today. He is the clinical director of a drug and alcohol treatment clinic. So unhelpful. He hadn't heard of hppd, and it felt as though he didn't really believe me.

Im trying escitalopram out. Hopefully it helps with the anxiety at least.