disguyhere Posted July 8, 2013 Report Share Posted July 8, 2013 Hey there... I'm not used to talking about this with others as it's been a rough topic to breach even among friends who knew me most my life, but now having seen this entire community built up around the same issue I've suffered for 14 years now.. I think it's time for me to talk. First things first... all stories have a beginning, and mine started well before I touched a single drug. I'm what you would refer to as an eccentric genius. Tested with an IQ in the 160's when I was in grammar school. Nearly full scholarship to johns hopkins. 10 years straight of straight a's.. etc etc ... but more undiagnosed emotional and psychological issues growing up then you could shake a stick at. I still had a strong enough will and mind to get through the bulk of them, but after an extremely rough (emotionally and psychologically) 1st year at hopkins I descended a bit into depression and dove headfirst into the world of the psychonaut. Experimenting with any hallucinogen I could get my hands on, which was a lot as some of my best friends at school had connections jerry garcia would have been envious of. After 2 years of heavy experimentation, I would make a decision that would change my life forever. Cut to the night before my 19th birthday. Me and 4 friends decided we would celebrate my birthday by taking a large quantity of acid and go camping at an old abandoned rock quarry. By that point I was regularly taking between 5-8 tabs worth a trip, and doing so often, so this night our plan was to up that. We would split between the 4 of us a half sheet. Up to this point the acid we had gotten was never tremendously strong. The mistake we made would be to assume that would stay the course. To our bemusement and my horror, that night the acid we got wound up being triple dipped.. a birthday present from my source, of course he neglected to tell us this. As I had taken the extra 2 of the split.. I ended up taking 14x3 drops worth in a 2 hour period.. To describe all of the events of that night would take too long and I'm sure I would be treaded some well worn territory, so instead I'll give the cliffnotes version. 1st.. I had a full on psychological breakdown.. While at the quarry I blacked out for 15 minutes. This would turn out to be the last sleep I would have for the next month. Over the next 4 months total.. I would get no more than 8 hours total sleep. My body had forgotten how to sleep. I would have constant auditory and visual hallucinations. Sleep was but a long distant dream to me as I couldnt force my mind to slow down enough to achieve any state of rest. Nobody around me knew something was wrong. I was as good an actor as there could be, just worked my quiet job in the dairy box of a supermarket, nobody knowing I would see shadow people jumping out from behind u-boats, and get tunnel vision that would turn an aisle into a mile long moat. How could I tell anyone? They'd lock me up was all I could think. So I lived with it. Lived with a 4 month long full blown never stop peaking trip, after taking the equivilent of 42 tabs of acid in one shot. What finally changed things for me was the help of a friend's father who knew what I was going through. He himself suffered serious complications after having a construction beam fall on him shattering his spine. He was on so many medications that to keep him sane he popped anti-psychotics like they were candy. And it was one of these pills that finally let me take the first night sleep I had had in months. Once I finally had the one major break in my sleeping problem, through sheer force of will alone I started to fight back. This is a fight that to this day I still am engaged in. A fight that has had it's extreme ups and downs, and for some time I was really so far gone that I lost all of my friends, and my health started degrading to the point where I let my teeth chip and break because I just couldnt care. Many nights I spent praying I would one day wake up and still be at that rock quarry and everything that had happened after was just a bad dream. My worst years emotionally I pray are long behind me. Again through force of will alone I have finally brought myself to a sort of equilibrium, not by seeking to fix the problems caused by my persisting hallucinogenic state, but by embracing some of the things it allowed me to do. Devoting the past 5 years to the mastery of my own personal form of meditation, I have learned to harness the closed eye visuals I had permenantly been saddled with, and use them to afford myself a depth of concentration few could understand. Instead of trying to rid myself of the peristant visuals that would plague me while my eyes were open... I instead sought a way to control them, and alter them, and layer them over my true vision. Almost giving myself a HUD over my vision where my visual thinking layer would use the distrotions to give myself "extra screen space" as it were... It's helped me push myself to become a major software developer for a major engineering firm, and single handedly designing accounting software for a company of thousands.. But before you think I'm pitching hppd as the solution to the worlds need for focus.... The downsides are once again showing me that there is no take without give. After years ago finally teaching myself how to sleep again, for I had truly forgotten how... I find myself once again at a point where sleep is being taken from me more then I care to admit to anyone who does not know the things I have been through. Without taking ambien, I would get approximately 8 hours total sleep a week. At best. Even with ambien I can only managed 3 hours max in a night. And who knows how much longer that will work for me before I'm once again at the precipice of a sleepless existence. And perhaps even more troubling is how my body is adjusting to the lack of sleep, by engaging in dreams while I am fully awake. Too often in the past few weeks I will try to go without taking ambien for more than a few days in a row, with no luck sleeping, and by the 3rd night I'm sitting there wide awake watching a dream unfold while watching myself sit up in bed.. praying for even a few minutes sleep. Reading the article in the new yorker a few months back.. It was like someone handed me a million dollar winning lottery ticker. Here I was for year afraid to talk to anyone, afraid to tell any doctor for fear of being locked up or having my drivers license revoked (and really I wouldnt be able to blame them.. who would want to drive on the same road as someone who admits to hallucinating 90% of their waking life) ... And now I see hundred of people sharing similar stories and showing similar pains. And for once in my life.. I don't feel so alone. My problem now... I believe I've gone far beyond what you would call high level hppd... there is no medication that will undue the damage I've done to myself, both in that initial night, and in the subsequent years of trying to take control over the problem on my own. To a point, I fear I've also made myself incapable of wanting it all to be fixed, purely from the effort I've put into pushing the limits of my mind.. Efforts that would have only been possible after the damage I had caused.. But on the flip side, I no longer feel the crushing depression that had come with feeling so alone for so long. The thoughts of suicide that would hit after a week straight of no sleep.. thinking to myself that a bottle of pills would take me down long enough to get a few minutes rest... That part of my journey is now behind me, and while I don't believe I can fix myself, my true hope is that maybe I can help others in a much less perilous position as me. If I could by will find a way to come back from something that should have killed me years past, then perhaps I can help others come back a ways too. So I offer to any of you out there who are still afraid of going through the medical pathways.. who are getting tired with cramming pill after pill down your throat to help you find some equilibrium which may or may not ever show... I can't promise you I can change your world, nor would I every try to make such a claim.. but theres things I have tried to ensure my survival these past 14 years now, that I am more than willing to share with those interested. And maybe helping each other out we can push to help some doctors find a more permanent solution. The simple fact is by choice to consume or a combination of uncontrollable factors, our brain chemistry has changed, and our lives have changed because of it. Our choices are live with it, take control over it, or give in and let it control you. I personally choose to take control. Anyways i've rambled for a good long bit, skipping out some tremendous chunks of the story that are best left for another time and place. I look forward to being a part of this community and offer my help wherever it may be useful. To anyone else who thinks they may be too far gone for it to ever get better, trust me. If I can still be here today, breathing and living a productive, slightly insane life... Then you can come back from it too. -D 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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