Vent, let it all out everyone

[bpl4269]

I am fucking pissed at my lazy ass boss who almost fired me for showing up late one time in the past four months, and then the motherfucker had the nerve to schedule me to work till 5 am and then come in again that same morningat 10 am. I can only assume he was trying to make me late so he could fuck me over. Now my visuals are through theroof, im about to fall asleep at work and i want to punchmy boss in the teeth who is just feet away from me right nw at this very moment. Alright. Now your turn.

[miketusa]

Im just fucking tired. Tired tired tired tired. I cant help but hope. And having to keep hoping in the face of so much doubt is the most painful thing.

[onedayillsailagain]

^ Agreed, mikezero. Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Who was it that said that? Papa Roach? I'm gonna look that up.

I'm just pissed off that after having grown so much in life, it feels like I've been thrown back a few years in my life. Seriously, sometimes I feel like I'm 12 years old once again, and I fucking hate it at times. Every single trace of a sense of maturity seems absent. Like everything I learned in my life has been taken from me; all those lessons learned, all those things achieved. Stripped from any confidence I had come to acquire and take for granted, is mostly what makes me feel so damn young again. The best times of my life were moments of fearlessness, and I was quite fearless for a long time, which was a great part of how I defined myself. Paradoxically that might be what lead to this, yet I'm inclined to believe it was more a phase of ignorance, rather than fearlessness. Those two can be hard to distinguish at times though, haha.

One of the few things that keep me going in the delusional face of this seemingly endless torture, is the fact that once this is passed, I will come out of this much, much stronger than ever before. Or so I imagine it would be, as it's hard to judge how I'll be then. For what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger right? Eventually at least.

[disguyhere]

i miss being able to look someone in the face and smile without them thinking I'm a madman... years of inability to take care of myself and an immune system that likes to piss all over any idea of being 100% healthy... i look exactly how i feel... but i wish i didnt have to wear it so damn loudly on my sleeve

 

 

also fuck spiders.. fuck them in their creepy spider asses. its bad enough i gotta be allergic to you bastards .. and that i have a hard enough time seeing shit crawling out of the corners of my eyes... i dont need your creepy spider asses trying to sneak up on me and make my day worse... 

[miketusa]

^ Agreed, mikezero. Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Who was it that said that? Papa Roach? I'm gonna look that up.

I'm just pissed off that after having grown so much in life, it feels like I've been thrown back a few years in my life. Seriously, sometimes I feel like I'm 12 years old once again, and I fucking hate it at times. Every single trace of a sense of maturity seems absent. Like everything I learned in my life has been taken from me; all those lessons learned, all those things achieved. Stripped from any confidence I had come to acquire and take for granted, is mostly what makes me feel so damn young again. The best times of my life were moments of fearlessness, and I was quite fearless for a long time, which was a great part of how I defined myself. Paradoxically that might be what lead to this, yet I'm inclined to believe it was more a phase of ignorance, rather than fearlessness. Those two can be hard to distinguish at times though, haha.

One of the few things that keep me going in the delusional face of this seemingly endless torture, is the fact that once this is passed, I will come out of this much, much stronger than ever before. Or so I imagine it would be, as it's hard to judge how I'll be then. For what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger right? Eventually at least.

 

This is pretty much how I feel. I held so much promise as a writer. I was getting published online frequently, getting emails from literary zine owners, constant admiration and applause from peers and English teachers. And like any idiot started looking for some way to enhance what I already new through the use of psychedelics. Needless to say that spawned a horrendous drug phase in my life. And now I feel like I gave it all up for a few brief glimpses into something else.

 

My HPPD isnt as bad as most here, but it certainly effects me on a cognitive level. I forget how to spell words, and where I placed things daily. Ive spent so much effort and time on trying to rid myself of this that I am completely lost in life. Had to drop out of college because I was too tired and out of sync with everything to get anything done. Now people are looking at me expecting something great to justify my  educational and work absences and all I can do is play it off like its just the way i am. When in reality I have so many goals that seem impossible to achieve in my current state.

 

I'm gonna try for Keppra in a few weeks. On a positive note I can now drink without becoming totally useless due to DP then next day. But the drinking is also leading to things like smoking marijuana and the combination of both is making my visuals worse and leaving me depressed. Then again, if I stay inside I get ridiculously depressed and want to off myself. So to deal with that I have picked up a horrendous fiendish cigarette addiction.

 

 

And the stupid voice in my head keeps finding some small hope that one day Ill wake and everything will be back to the way it was.

 

It's one vicious cycle with no end in sight.

[WuWei]

Ohhh... I like this one.

 

 

 

 

<<<The Following Post Contains Gratuitous Use of the 'F' word>>>

 

 

 

 

 

Fuck this life.  Fuck these visuals.  Fuck feeling like a dumb ass because I'm a half step behind everything cognitively but knowing stupid, selfish people can have things in life that I can't.  Fuck feeling better for a while only to realize everything falls apart again.  Fuck the fact that I have to drink in order to feel better, even though I would give it all up to have a family and some peace of mind.  Fuck guilt.  Fuck shame.  Fuck having to be a little trooper just so everyone that cares about me can sleep better at night.  I never asked to be here, to come into this world screaming and to leave it confused and scared.  Fuck my dad for leaving me.  Fuck my soul-sucking, horrible job that I'm afraid to leave babysitting emotional infants that don't know what real problems are.

 

And fuck reality TV.

 

How's that?

 

[miketusa]

Ohhh... I like this one.

 

 

 

 

<<<The Following Post Contains Gratuitous Use of the 'F' word>>>

 

 

 

 

 

Fuck this life.  Fuck these visuals.  Fuck feeling like a dumb ass because I'm a half step behind everything cognitively but knowing stupid, selfish people can have things in life that I can't.  Fuck feeling better for a while only to realize everything falls apart again.  Fuck the fact that I have to drink in order to feel better, even though I would give it all up to have a family and some peace of mind.  Fuck guilt.  Fuck shame.  Fuck having to be a little trooper just so everyone that cares about me can sleep better at night.  I never asked to be here, to come into this world screaming and to leave it confused and scared.  Fuck my dad for leaving me.  Fuck my soul-sucking, horrible job that I'm afraid to leave babysitting emotional infants that don't know what real problems are.

 

And fuck reality TV.

 

How's that?

 

I liked it. "Soul-cracking" pure poetry. 

[onedayillsailagain]

Fucking retard student neighbors partying till so fucking late with their shitty mainstream music, fucking country that's so crammed you can't have a single minute of silence, fucking can't get no sleep cause of this shit. Well at least the melatonin is helping with the frustration (desperately needed relief from that), but I still can't sleep and I got nothing to do... Just pissed off living in this idiotic environment packed with ignorant fools and fake people. I miss my home..