One Step Forward, Three Steps Back......

[mgrade]

Hey Guys,

That's how is goes with this thing.......I've kinda reached a new better stage with the HP thing......My visuals and anxiety are tailing off but........I look like shit, I feel like i've been through a 6 month teeth-grinding ordeal, i haven't been eating well the last few months, and for some reason feel like i have the testosterone level of a 85 year old woman. lol It's weird though one day you may feel OK and the next day, you feel like sht........But I can say that while I feel the brain-chemical-based depression going away, the external things that make you depressed are starting to kick in. I have not done much for the last half-year. I was unable to work. My muscles are weak and sore. And I am getting kind of fat. I have accomplished little in my life and my family shares the same view. I've spent most of my life studying and studying and studying and studying in hopes that I can keep up with the perceived loss in cognitive ability, creativity, basic executive functions, wellbeing and soul. It's almost like quicksand but i have forced myself to create new networks in my brain. I started my life very adept at math; I am forced to develop my skills in the doldrums of semantics, since a great deal of my creative math skills have left me.

I look in the mirror and I don't see my face melting, but I do see a man grasping onto a thread: a man-child. I think it's like that movie Carlito's Way; at the end it was all supposed to work out .......well you gotta see the movie to understand what I am saying. I understand that a lot of people here are quite young and in there early 20s or so. Sometime I think that you reach a point in your life where your brain is like a stiff wire: you keep bending it back and forth, trying to adapt, and eventually the wire wants to break.

Many good and smart people have lost their chances because of bad luck, drugs and life in general. Life can beat you down, and sometimes people definitely do not have your best interests in mind. I wish I just knew some truths on this earth before I go on to bigger and better things. There are tons of truths, I'm sure, that may reveal light and some conspiracies across the world of which we may never know. I just feel lucky enough to keep my nose clean for now.

[VisualDude]

feel like i have the testosterone level of a 85 year old woman. lol

What are your testosterone and prolactin levels?

Your med history is interesting. [ Lexapro 10mg, Wellbutrin (extented release)150mg, Concerta (extended) 18 mg, Klonopin 0.5 mg ] Ritalin (Concerta is same thing) has a way of burning dopamine systems. Not that I am saying you need to quit - you seem to benefit. Also you are taking Wellbutrin (more dopamine). As a dopamine promoter for HPPD, it is hard to know what more to say on that topic, as you are kind of there.

sometimes people definitely do not have your best interests in mind

Your spiked food was particularly cruel.

Though I haven't suffered the way you have, there are things you said that I feel I relate to ... and appreciate in your text

But I can say that while I feel the brain-chemical-based depression going away, the external things that make you depressed are starting to kick in

While difficult to communicate to others, there are several kinds of depression. Your point of 'chemical' depressions and 'lifes' depressions is excellent. The same can be said of anxieties.

It's weird though one day you may feel OK and the next day, you feel like sht........

It almost plays mind-tricks. "Oh, I'm getting better" ... then you do more ... then you suddenly can't. The cycle loops and can drive you mad ... until you back off a little on the good days.

My muscles are weak and sore

Yup! Sort of a chronic fatigue thing

have accomplished little in my life

Ever see the movie, "Beautiful Mind"? When Dr Nash is on antipsychotics, he sits there at the table as his wife works hard. He is fully aware of things and is unable to 'engage', thus unproductive and fully aware of his unproductivity - the results of not enough dopamine.

hopes that I can keep up with the perceived loss in cognitive ability, creativity, basic executive functions, wellbeing and soul. It's almost like quicksand but i have forced myself to create new networks in my brain

Finding other ways to function. I have very strange, very specific, cognitive problems. For example, second grade math - adding columns of numbers - can 'lock' the brain up. 15 minutes of addition can cause problems for 2-3 days --- freaking weird. Recently tried small amounts of hydrocodone with interesting results ... still 'locks-up' but it takes longer and doesn't make sick for days.

Keep exercising the pathways, rerouting, rewiring, unjamming. It is amazing what CAN be done. Do you play a musical instrument? If not, try it ... even if painfully slow.

Attention/focus are major problems with 'toxic' brain injuries. And you also have a life history of ADD. So, just work on them. But also, develop areas that you never tried before - strange as it may sound, these 'undeveloped' areas seem to have less damage.

I wish I just knew some truths on this earth before I go on to bigger and better things

You may actually know more that you realize. Life's truths are massive, yet many are deceptively simple.

Take care ...