Hi all,
I am new here and I would like to share my experiences with (probably) HPPD and DR. My English is unfortunately not very good, since I come from the Netherlands. Apologies for that.
I am currently 30 years old, and have used drugs since I was about 18. Mainly coke, speed and xtc pills. In February 2021 I took 1 pill of 2cb with friends. This was my first time. A nice experience, but nothing special or heavy. A week later I used speed. This gave me a bad trip. Not extremely intense, but it was a few hard hours. After this bad trip I got floaters and felt 'vague' for a few weeks. This passed quickly, and the floaters never really bothered me.
In the following years I used drugs (mainly speed and coke) and one more ecstasy pill. Sometimes not for months, sometimes every weekend (I talk about coke now). I do want to add that I have never used LSD or smoked weed. The last time I did drugs was two months ago and was a little bit of cocaine.
6 weeks ago I ended up in a burnout and my (unhealthy) relationship ended. Unfortunately I now live with my parents again, and that's where the misery started. I noticed that I was deteriorating mentally and physically. I felt a distance to the world and to my own body. Since 6 weeks I experience the following complaints:
- Extreme panic attacks, where I feel a kind of fear all day long. Sometimes the panic attacks are so intense that I'm really afraid I'm going crazy. This also applies to the derealization.
- Burden of DR/DP. This is my worst complaint. It feels awful to feel "nothing."
- Ringing in the ears and extremely sensitive to sound
- Sensitive to light (I've always had this to a lesser extent)
- Any stimulus is too much, even talking to people gives me a panic attack.
- Increasing visual effects (also when I'm sleeping). I have never suffered from this.
- Numbness and tingling all over the body
- Very bad memory
- No sense of time/days. Although I know very well, however vague everything feels with the derealization, that everything I experience is also real. So I don't hear voices or see things that aren't there.
I know of myself that I am in a very bad period. I Google every symptom, sit at home a lot and have had a 'worry disorder/anxiety disorder' before in the past. Especially the constant panic makes me really desperate. The 'crazy' thing is that I developed these complaints in a period when I used minimal/no drugs. Could my complaints also be from the anxiety disorder? The derealization leaves me feeling very scared and alone. I'm so scared this will last forever, and I'll never find a girlfriend again. Of course I try to do everything I can to 'recover'. I am now in therapy for derealization with a man who specializes in this (as one of the few) in the Netherlands. He indicates that within 6-16 sessions the DR is cured for 80-100%. Tomorrow I also have an intake interview with 'Medical Consultation Hour Partydrugs', an organization in the Netherlands that specializes in HPPD and DR. For now I am mainly looking for tips from fellow sufferers, and I would like to get in touch with people.
Again, apologies for my English. Thanks in advance for your responses.
Regards, Alain
