pdo

Hi all. I'm a 25 year old student from Eastern Europe. My drug history is as follows: -6 years of weed ( almost every day, about 0.25-0.5g max ) - about 7-10 LSD trips, not sure... ( 100-360ug ) - ~5 MDMA rolls The rest are just drugs that I tried once: ketamine, mushrooms, cocaine, speed So, what happened? Last year at the end of september I had my last trip, which I think wasn't LSD, but 2CB ( because of the much shorter duration ). I thought I ingested about 300ug of LSD, but I think it was 2CB - 2 drops and half a blotter of LSD. At the peak I smoked weed, which I never did ( because it clouds my judgement and makes me nervous ) and I experienced ego death. Well, I didn't experience it fully because I resisted that shit and had such a strong panic attack that felt like my heart was about to explode and it lasted about 2 hours. Everything was fine after that, the next month I kept smoking weed err'day and all was well. Then things started getting weird... I started 'waking up' randomly throughout the day, which I think is just moments of dissociation. Tbh I think the whole movement of the so-called 'awakening' is just people dissociating ( just my opinion, don't wanna offend any 'we are all one' believers ).One night while smoking weed and 'waking up' all the time that shit made me nervous and I saw a flashing mental image of me hanging and I had another panic attack. I quit weed after that. The withdrawals were horrible and I'm convinced I went to uni and hung out with friends during the first 3 months under a low-level psychosis. The intrusive thoughts were killing me. Everybody was against me, nothing was real, everybody was a robot, a lizard, etc... I even tried convincing myself of these thoughts to become fully insane, but I just couldn't believe in the nonsense. I went through a shitload of sleep paralysis episodes ( even though I suffered them before ), but these were on somekinda spiritual level. I even went through that traumatic trip in one SP episode. I had insomnia like crazy the first 3-4 months, unable to sleep at all, or sleep a few hours. I couldn't even watch the TV without coming up with somekind of paranoid conspiracy theory or existential bullshit, that of course didn't make any sense. What makes me thing it is HPPD? - visual snow ( hard to notice during the day, but obvious at night ) - tracers - tinnitus - a sound, smth like rain falling or a computer processing in my right ear - CEVs - after imags ( really short duration ) - halos ( barely noticable ) - a crazy racing mind from time to time - a shit load of existential and scary philosophical thoughts ( Am I still tripping, am I still on the same trip, Is this a dream?, etc... ) - occasional dissociation, at least I don't think I'm dissociated the whole time - sometimes when drifting to sleep I become hyper-aware of myself and get filled with anxiety - mental patterning: give me an idea or word or smth and after a few thoughts I can turn it into something existential and fucked up, I can turn a lot of things into a sign. Anyway, the visuals are barely noticable, I don't mind them, but what fucks with me is the crazy racing mind or rumination, which I can't stop sometimes, it just goes on and on, the fucked up obsession with existential thoughts and the occasional dissociation. So it has been around 6-8 months since all of this started. My tinnitus is definitely lower, before it sounded like I had a machine behind me, now it's just a quiet sound of sand. My CEVs are less intense, they were really detailed and looked kinda cool tbh, especially after I woke up from a dream - they were like the architectal plan of a dream. Now the CEVs are much much weaker. I had a few puffs of weed during this, but my brain would just go crazy with the scary, racing, paranoid thoughts and dissociation, fuck that. I've been saving money for a private neurologist to get him to prescribe me keppra or lamictal. My question is: do I need it? The thing that messes with me, is the anxiety, paranoia and occasional dissociation a result of psychological trauma ( it's weird that I would develop smth like 'PTSD' a month after the whole ordeal out of the blue ) or is it neurological and I should try out keppra or lamictal. One more question: if one actually gets 'cured' by keppra or lamictal, does it mean the person needs to take it for life or until it fixes the brain and that's it? Anyway, I feel as my HPPD, after it has diminshed some, has kinda 'plateaud', or if it is still healing, it is healling really slow. Anyway, that's me. Hi. I'm glad there's a community for people like us.