Hello guys,
I'm new to this forum and I've developed HPPD ~7 months ago, mostely from 2-CB and MDMA. I have abstained from psychoactive substance use completely since, excluding alcohol. Things haven't gotten better, rather a bit worse.
I have relatively moderate visuals and I have gotten to the point where I can say that I would be okay with living with them forever (while they still annoy me everyday and make some things challenging, for example working with excel or reading on a computer screen).
The things that annoy me most are DP/DR, cognitive impairment and my social anxiety which has gotten 5 times worse with HPPD.
One of the worst symptoms of all these are my speech problems. I often can't find the right words and slurr them... my mouth just feels "different" and somehow heavy - it's hard to describe, I think that has to do with DP/DR. Speaking is now a demanding task for me.
It is really humilitating in front of people, especially in front of groups.I often think to myself that they must believe I'm retarded or sth or simply born with a speech disorder, which is definitely not the case. It greatly hurts my self esteem. It has gotten to the point where I'm fearful of speaking and I'm overthinking it, which makes the problem even worse.
I used to be a very good speaker, I was always very precise in how I would articulate myself, how I would choose certain words and formulate my thoughts.. many friends used to state this as an exceptional skill of mine.
I think it definitely has to do with my social anxiety, DP/DR and the fact that I'm fatigued most of the day - physically and mentally. But I also feel like I have simply lost some of my ability to speak correctly. Sadly, things have only gotten very slighty better with time, but there are also periods where I really think that I have improved and the words "flow" like they used to be.. but then I'm quickly back to a really shitty baseline.
The fact that makes this issue even worse is that I'm 19 years old and am about to study Engineering (Maschinenbau). I'm from Germany and I was interested in Technology since my early childhood, so this is a big dream of mine. I also have good grades, good requirements overall.. but then there's my HPPD. It has made me fearful of studying and the social aspects (having to find friends at the start and so on, especially with the speech prolbems) of it.. no to speak of employment later in life where I would most likely be in some team leading position.
I should also add that I'm quite depressed since all of this started - that's why this post might seem a little pessimistic. But I'm definitly trying to think positive and hoping for improvement
So, my question would be: Has anyone else experienced something similar regarding the speech issues?
Best regards from Lower Saxony, Germany!
Please excuse spelling and grammatical errors.