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Good thread

I have been in a couple relationships while dealing with full blown HPPD. At the tail end of one relationship my symptoms became unbearable for me and she left. It was really for the best as the relationship should have ended regardless but it just sucks cause I really needed someone then. During that time I suffered a great deal but It was actually through that rough time that I started seeing my next gf as she was suffering from Some psychological issues as well. We started hanging out and she did her best to understand. My hppd wasn't as bad because the lamitrogine may have been helping and I was genuinely happy and loved her. That lasted a couple years but ultimately didn't work out when I started getting all those lamitrogine side effects couple with us going through a very stressful time. It was best to end it and atleast I know I'm capable of loving and being loved while I deal with this shit. we really helped eachother out and I helped her get to where she is now being mentally sound and stable and atleast I know I did something to get her there even if I'm worse off.

There was a girl I was kind of seeing a couple months ago but I'm far too fucked right now to handle having another perosn in my life so it kinda tapered off and she seeing some other dude it's cool tho.

Will have been single for 1 year coming this September and I'm in no rush to get into another relationship as I have much work to do to get this under control.

Someone should start an HPPD dating site haha

Hppdharmony.luv

My last gf broke up with me when I told her how much my hppd effected me emotionally. Today I took my current gf to my psychologist to have him explain how it effects me. Its basically a terms and agreements for someone to date us. I consider myself lucky to have a girl that still wants to be with me even though she knows I'm suicidal. Yeah still working on the whole acceptance thing... What are yall's thoughts on being an hppd sufferer and dating a normal seeing person?

So I tried to wean off Klonopin via liquid Klonopin from the compounding pharmacy only to realize that I needed it more than ever. My benzo tollerance is outrageous. Most people would pass out at this dose but when my anxiety is this bad I have to mega dose. Eventually my doc won't raise my dose any higher then I'll be screwwed.

Also a good thing to do if your hppd I like mine "only noticable on walls and in the dark" is to become a workaholic somewhere where you can ignore your hppd and not dwell on it so much. Even if you hate your job it's better to hate your job than to hate your life.

So about a week ago I decided that I had had enough of this bullshit, drank a bunch of wine and whiskey and took a bunch of kpins. cut myself in artistic way "smiley face with eyes crossed out" I got a bucket of charcoal goin and put it on bricks in my truck, hopped in and locked the doors and threw my note up on the dash. "carbon monoxide poisoning" I remember I had headphones in listening to music and I lost all senses except hearing. My legs went numb and then when I was on the brink of loosing consciousness I bailed out of my truck and stumbled inside with my heart rate through the roof. I woke up the next day with my HPPD a little worse but it subsided back to baseline. I've always suffered from depression and anxiety and always felt like my death would be a suicide even before HPPD. but the fact is I COULD NOT DO IT! so I guess I'm in this to the end or at least until it subsides hopefully.

A lot of shit has been goin on in my life lately. My grandfather died then my cousin and then my uncle this morning and I ask God why not me? Sometimes I wish God would give my physical health to someone who deserves it like a child with cancer and let me drop dead. I failed half of my classes last semester and I feel like I can never be the engineer, husband and father I aspired to be. It just seems like life is fucked for me and nobody understands.

I have a new girlfriend now and I have no idea how to explain HPPD to her without me seeming to be insane. I know my HPPD could be considered mild compared to some of you but my pre-existing anxiety and depression make it to where I don't want to endure any more of this.

I guess the moral of the story is you only get one life and even though all of us have fucked up that one life there is still a drop of happiness that can be squeezed out of every day. The thing I hate the most is there is no external abnormality that shows you're inner pain/struggle. Anyways I'm 3/4 through a bottle of wine which I know I shouldn't do cuz it has a rebound effect on my HPPD but occasionally I need a break. I just wanted to vent to some people who actually understand.

PS: Thanks for listening to me bitch and moan. You guys/gals are the only ones who really understand.

Neither keppra nor lamictal helped me. Keppra made me feel high when I first started taking it which I enjoyed strangly because it reduced my anxiety.

My blue shape symptoms used to be bad when I looked at peoples faces for the first two or so months of hppd actually I would get a little bit of purple too. Now its only on flat surfaces and in the dark.

IMHO a mobile app might not be the best idea cuz your phone is with you all the time and seeing that app icon would just make you think about your HPPD more. well on second thought you could hide it in a folder and turn off notifications. I guess I would download it assuming there was a BlackBerry 10 app available.

One thing I have noticed since I got HPPD is my immune system sucks. I have cutaneous hsv-1 that I got from wrestling in highschool and now I have constant outbreaks. I basically have to take valtrex daily to keep in check. before i would get maybe 3 outbreaks a year. Also a few weeks ago I got shingles, never had it before but its also viral. I think theres a lot of evidence of stress lowering your immune system.

does anyone else get sick more or have any more health problems since they got HPPD assuming it stresses you out?

No I didn't. I just had a moderate dose of research chemical powder BK-2CB. I think the bad trip has put me off for life. I checked the allergy nasal spray yesterday to check the ingredients and it does contain Diphenhydramine which may have triggered my problems. I would happily have put up with a blocked ear if I knew it would cause these problems.

Seems like antihistamines are on the list of things to avoid when you have HPPD. Thank God I don't have bad allergies knock on wood.

It seems to me like there are 2 types of HPPD, the instantaneous HPPD where you never really come down from your trip and the delayed HPPD that seems pretty prevelant on this forum. I have the former from supposed LSD but I can get more from the same guy I think I'll have it sent to a lab to see what it really was. Definitlely not gonna take it lol.

took legitimate GHB like a week after i got hppd it was xyrem. a relative of mine has a prescription for narcolepsy. didn't seem to make it worse but who knows at that point my hppd was so terrible I can't really say if it helped or not. I think GABA slowly metabolizes into GHB I may be wrong so GABA is OTC and might be worth a try. you can probably find it at GNC or a place that sells workout supplements.

also being hungover just kinda changes my hppd instead of making it worse like my blue shit turns to yellow cloudy shit. I kinda hit a real low spot lately and got suicidal with engineering finals and my ex dumping me when I opened up to her about hppd so I got hammered a few times. really I guess what messed me up was feeling like I can never have another relationship, finish college, get a career, start a family ect...

Well my clonazepam dose has been upped to 2mg a day and thats helping, my keppra dose is 1 gram a day. I actually found that having a beer or two or a glass of wine helps chill me out without effecting my symptoms. luckilly tobacco doesn't make it worse anymore so I guess I am healing. It seems to me that having hppd is a constant choice of the lesser of two evils. I throw a dip in when i feel like abusing my klonopin and it chills me out a bit. Definitely still avoiding caffeine at all cost. it seems that the general rule is any stimulant makes hppd worse.

Drinking alcohol has almost zero negative effects on my HPPD. When I'm hungover I see some yellow shit but not really any worse than the blue shit I see when sober. Lately I've been having terrible depression and suicidal thoughts. But the only time I feel ok is when I'm drunk. I'm taking next semester off of school so maybe I'll just get drunk a lot until/if my hppd goes away. I know it seems like a shitty idea but its the lesser of two evils. I have a history of depression and was basically an alcoholic for a few months but came out unscathed. I know one thing for sure is that hppd has sent me into a self destructive depression and if I'm not constantly sedated I will probably try to harm myself again. I see my therapist tomorrow and will talk to him. If you resorted to drinking from your hppd please share if it helped or hurt.

even after the first time i took lsd whenever i smoked weed i would start tripping again like full on geometric yellow, red, blue hallucinations. if you have taken a hallucinogen and you trip whenever you smoke I would strongly advise you to never take hallucinogens again. better yet stay off drugs completely. all they do is fuck peoples lives up in one way or another.

I personally would. I envy those with cancer, As a Christian I beleive they suffer for a while then they get to be at peace in the kingdom of God. HPPD however is a life sentence of torment for most. How I would love to spend a few months saying goodbye to my family in a hospital bed doped up on pain meds instead of wearing a fake smile, eating klonopin like m&m's and wishing for death every day.

Man i really feel for you, I have constant suicidal thoughts myself not just because of my hppd but because of the depression it gives me and the hopelessness I feel and the pressures of engineering school. and just to agree with you YOUR PARENTS FUCKING SUCK. When i finally told my parents i felt aweful for them because they UNDERSTOOD what kind of hell I am going through. I'm sure many of us including myself have looked into quick painless methods of suicide but the fact is none of us will tell you because if we gave you advice on killing yourself we would never forgive ourselves. Personally I am a right to die supporter and a Christian... its complicated... but I have to urge you to keep trying. A tool I use is to make lists of things you live for even if they aren't that signigicant. I'll share mine with you

My family, My friends, My fraternity, A mild hope for recovery, things I haven't accomplished yet and want to, My date on Tuesday, Supernatural season 11, the new blink-182 album when it finally comes out.

Just anything you have to look forward to CLING TO IT!

and don't let the downs in life make you irrational. My ex girlfriend broke up with me a week ago after I told her I had hppd and that I cut myself. I had the gun to my head sitting on a park swingset but I told myself If I'm going down its gonna be at the last second when I can fight no more, not cuz some bitch got me down.

it seems to me like theres two kinds of hppd, the kind with cognitive effects and the purely visual. but then again different people have different effects from psychedelic drugs. Pre hppd when i would trip the only effect i would have is cartoon like pseudo hallucinations like seeing charlie brown on a wall one time for example, however my brother who still uses psychedelics describes it as a different kind of high with no actual visual effects. after reading into hppd diagnostic info I'm not entirely sure that the high feeling or dp/dr is actually part of hppd but then again it seems so common amoung members that maybe it is. Personally my hppd is purely visual. I am 100% in touch with reality an never feel weird except when I'm having panic attacks. my only symptoms are constant blue geometric shapes on walls and in the dark and vitreous floaters that turned out to be from a posterior vitreous detatchment that coincidently happened at the same time i got hppd. However seeing as its six months since I used that LSD and I still see blue shapes that aren't there what is it if it isn't hppd? but it really annoys me when I read post titled "finally better, cured, or success" when all it is is that the hppd sufferer no longer has dp/dr or has learned to live with it. to me success means you have stopped seeing shit that you know isn't there.

Long story short I hate the term permafried because i don't feel fried I'm just constantly annoyed by the visual disturbances. comorbid symptoms being anxiety and severe depression due to hopelessness of never being my old self again.

Told my parents two nights ago after i got into a fight with my girlfriend, ate 11 K-pin's, downed some beer/vodka and cut myself real bad. "not a triumphant moment for me" basically burst into tears talking to my girlfriend and she convinced me to tell my parents. My parents love me and want me to get better but I feel like I just won the worlds shittiest son award. My mom just spent like $60 on supplements she thinks will heal me and gives me a fist full of them every morning now. Started Keppra, about to start my clonazepam taper and also started therapy. Really struggling in school "mechanical engineering" and considering medically withdrawing or maybe trying to finish the semester. sorry for the rant just feeling completely fucked and you guys are the only ones who understand. atleast i don't have to wear that fake smile around the house anymore.

It truly is a demon like no other. Your case and mine seem to be very simillar. You have me beat by 2 weeks though so congrats on the 6 month mark! I'm continuing mechanical engineering classes at my university, just joined a fraternity and got a beautiful girlfriend so things are looking up. I still contemplate suicide daily but have enough reasons to tell myself not to. PM me if you ever need to talk or just want to.

So my pseudo hallucinations are finally starting to get better but my floaters vary a lot. Coincidentally my floaters have nothing to do with my hppd and are due to a posterior vitreous detatchment in my left eye. However they still cause me a lot of anxiety and mess with my vision. In certain lighting conditions I can ignor my hppd completely but the floaters are extremely annoying. I'm considering getting a vitrectomy to remedy this but I'm terrified of general anesthesia making my hppd worse. I'll look for a Dr. that is willing to do it with local anesthesia. I know a lot of Docs consider this operation extreme just to get rid of floaters but I really want them gone. What do you guys think?

I ordered the Ashitaba and have been taking a teaspoon daily in my morning HPPD meal replacement smoothie. My symptoms seem to be getting a little bit better but Idk if its the lions mane, ashitaba, noopept, klonopin or just time.

I'm 4 and a half months in and haven't quite recovered yet but its definitely better than after the first month. It truly is a demon like no other. But I feel confident that maybe within a year or year and a half I will be back to normal. Hearing yalls stories gives me tons of hope!

I'm pretty addicted to klonopin too but I need it because of how helpful it is. It only becomes a problem if I run out as far as I'm concerned right now cuz the kpin's are the only thing keeping me from eating a bullet from my HPPD so hopefully if my HPPD goes away I'll deal with the klonopin withdrawl after that. aka batlle one demon at a time.