Good evening everyone , am a young male 25 years old, and the past few months am suffering and have suicidal thoughts. Because my vision drives me crazy.
So first let me say how everything started. At February i tripped for the second time of my life with mushrooms. I did take 1 gram at evening about 18:30 o clock and had funny and good
time with my friends..after some time i came down of the trip and went out for beer. When i came back to home i decided to take shrooms again and increase the dose to 2 grams this time
because in the evening i dint felt anything different than the marijuana effects.(it was about 04:00 midnight and i was alone at home) .
Then all my life became a nightmare , a hell i cant even describe. I will not describe what happened in the trip, i will talk to what happened afterwards.
Since this night i was for about 1 month depressed had alot of panic and anxiety attacks( which i never had before in my life) ,i was crying like 7-8 times per day fo no reason actually,
had many suicidal thoughts and i was living with the fear that i am paranoid i will develop schizophrenia . Finally i managed my anxiety during this time, and after 2 months i started
notice some difference in my vision, what made me become once again depressed and anxious.
Then i went to psychologist couple of times, and she told me i had developed Depersonalization and Derealization , i suffered like my whole summer like this ,until somehow i managed
to control it at a point. I dint use any kind of medication or pills .The talking with my psychologist actually helped me alot to understand myself ,and accept what i have done. Because i was looping
in my head with many thoughts like " i wish i would never done that " or "my life would be different if i never done that" and " now i have to live like that forever in endless mental suffering". which made me usually paranoid and feeling helpless .
By the end of August i had managed many negative thinks and emotions and i was going better,,maybe in some rare situations i could become depressed when i could notice something is not right with my vision
and that think would remember me all what i had suffered since February., Anyway i could still manage that,...Until the last weeks.
Here is now the important part for me and my questions , and i hope guys you still reading and bear with me.
So the last 3 months i started notice some changes in my vision that is disturbing me alot and making stressfull ,anxious and make me feel panic.
I notice during the day when am outside no matter where i look i see like 15 floaters in my field of vision ,they are everywhere and move like net when i move my eyes, it also heppen when i look at bright colours like
white or my screen ( i had to mention that in my whole life there was very reallly rare times i could notice it,and then was just ONE floater ,now there are liek 15.
The second think i notice is during the night when i am in dark place or outside i can see something like raining , i researched about this and they call it static-visual snow, ,it feels like raining thats the best i can describe. The other think i notice is if i look at the sky when is day and bright i can see something gleamering golden tiny stars moving fast arround and at no direction at all , just movement.
And the last difference i notice is that, always at night when i am on my room on the bed and watching TV or some movie ,and the room is dark, sometimes i feel like i saw a flash, and this happen almost everynight,,i feel like the whole room flashed ,,when is totally dark......
But still i tried to dont pay attention to thems and dont think about it and try to live with it.
But since the last 4 weeks until now that these effects grow stronger everyday and more noticeable ,to the point that i cant ignore thems, and end up frustrated and deppresed.
,even my floaters start disturbing me so much when i typing or reading... .. ((( I have to mentio
I went to ophthalmologist and he told me my vision is 20/20 and that my eyes are in great condition....
All these effects made me again anxious and paranoid ,they also made me have suicidal thoughts again, or thoughts of crisis and despair
, and tonight i had again panic attack which i dint had for the last 3-4 months.
I have to mention also that the last couple of weeks i smoke almost everyday about 3 marijuana joints because it make me calm down and dont think negative and about this stuff,.
My days are like that . I whake up early in the morning going to job, when i finish i come back home relax some hours , then at evening am going to gym exercing, and at night am playing some online games or watch a movie until i sleep .
So my question is,, what do you think do i have HPPD ????????????????????? ? if yes what Should i do in your opinion ??? Will i be forever like this ? Or am going to die or end in an asylum.
I will appreciate any answer guys really, i beg you if you have any opinion , suggestion or simmilar story please share it here.
P.S. i hope my post did not bore you guys ,also forgive me for my poor grammar.
