Lobotomizer

FFS.

What does this mean? Sorry not very hip to internet lingo

I had panic attacks that literally sent me running into busy intersections to escape their horror. With the panic attacks came acute LSD symptoms. Even though I was in a perpetual state of "light trip" when I had the panic attacks it was like full blown LSD peak. My body would be melting into the sidewalk, peoples voices somehow sounded distant while paradoxically "inside my head". The trees, bushes and the wind would be sadistically whispering gibberish. This would often last a full thirty minutes until I would feel "ok". I was a sixteen year old kid with no one to turn to. No one knew I was suffering. Couldn't tell my family. When these flashbacks would happen I would spend the rest of the day crying and contemplating suicide completely shooken up from the expereince. I had it bad man. That was almost 20 years ago. I can tell you that I got better. Like it never happened.

Wow, that's interesting. Perhaps your mind is built to deal with trauma differently. I feel it may be necessary to study PTSD/shellshock victims I.E., war vets to get some answers to whats happening to us as everyone seems to cope with trauma differently.

I have a friend who is a US marine vet. He served in Iraq three tours and witnessed death and has had his life threatened on numerous occasions. He came back chipper and was laughing about it, in a twisted morbid way (defense mech?) he claimed he had no issues. Four years later, he cant sleep, hes throwing up at night and havibg flashbacks and nightmares. He saw a doctor and was diagnosed with PTSD. He hides these issues well and doesn't talk about them much but hes clearly disturbed. So I believe that we all may deal with these things differently. But of course perhaps your case truly is completely different but if you are experiencing anxiety now it doesn't necessarily mean that you experienced trauma during acute influence of the substances. your trauma may have been experienced after. Just speculation.

It went away my friend, that is after four long years. I had it so severly that everything took on a "plastic" feel. Or things seemed to have a manufactured feel, if you will. At times I would have complete ego loss while out of no where..as in I wouldn't recognize my own hands. I think cannabis worsens this feeling, so definatly don't indulge in that. I believe meditation can help with dp/dr quite a bit. I must admit that I also used alcohol when things got unbearable but I cant recommend that to anyone. Also, as you probably know many people have DP/DR without having prior drug use, thus it may be comorbid with your hppd and may be treated simultaneously. In other words...treat the HPPD and the DP/DR will follow or visa versa. Hope this helps.

Its so difficult to measure. As most people if not all I have spoke to about HPPD say that they have lasting effects from prior use of psychedelics. If the benefits of psych use don't out way persisiting visual effects then don't use them AT ALL as I can almost guarantee they will get more intense with continued use.

I know many of you may read my above post and assume "stupid" or "irresponsible" regarding the continued drug use. Well I can assure you that Im not stupid and Im open to "irrespnsible" but I have recovered to a very significant degree. I live life to its fullest and feel as though HPPD never took place in my life. That being said, I feel that Im a lot more careful and safe with my frequency of use, dosage, and substances.

Also I would like to add that the following things have helped since the initial onset of HPPD:

-Spiritual practices, energy work, meditation. I don't believe in a god in the classic sense, but I believe that there is some sort of devine order in the cosmos and I feel that focusing on this has helped IMMENSLY. Also avoid people that tell you different as I don't believe that atheistic points of view will help such a condition as feeling so helpless and hopeless, it would be conducive to call on a bit of divine intervention for recovery.

-Working out/excersice this helps the body create endorphins which wwill give you the emotional strength to battle your condition. I recommend heavy weights and heavy cardio. Makes me feel like Im walking on a cloud all day.

-Stop watching anything that me evoke unpleasant thoughts or emotions. No news, no horror movies. These things made me feel more hopeless.

-School/academics- exercising the brain. The more you use the brain the more neuropathways you will create the stronger your emotional state will get. Challenge yourself with mathematics and language arts. I have found that challenging my brain with mathematics has helped me sleep more soundly at night better than any physical exercise ever could.  

-Stay AWAY FROM CANNABIS. I don't know why but it seems that cannabinoids may be extrememly harmful to many peoples emotional state and can worsen symptoms of HPPD exponentially. If you absolutely need something to calm down when things get too rough an occasional drink or two is what I used with success.

I hope my subjective experiences may help some of you guys. I would like to give something to the community as I didn't have much support or help through my horrific four years of hell.

I experienced much of what you did starting about twenty years ago. It lasted four years. I posted my experience in this forum tonight if youre interested. I had everything you described accept I had it "less together" it seems. I was quite suicidal from the DP/DR I was feeling. Im by no way trying to say you've had it easier, you just seem more collected in your posts. Good luck I have a good feeling you will get better soon and become an importanat asset to the community. Im now 85% better. I would like to say 100% but I have to admit that I do have visual snow, albeit negligible.

Im interested because of these subjective experiences. It would be helpful and intriguing to see a poll/survey or a rating scale regarding how bad symptoms are. I.e., Minor visual snow to full blown peak LSD trip. I have never met anyone that was immersed in a "full trip" for longer than the acute influence of the substance and if you are experiencing this I would love to hear from you. I may be able to share with you some suggestions that helped me with in my experience. Most of these disturbances seem to be a result of trauma and anxiety and when the anxiety subsides the visual disturbances either A) seem to bother us less or B .don't exist.

In November 2011, I used an African root bark in an attempt to cure the depersonalizations and derealization I had developed one month earlier. I had no idea what was happening to my brain at the time I developed dp/dr. I had been reading about ibogaine as a treatment for depression for a few months prior to developing dp/dr, and had considered it for that purpose as well as a predisposition for addiction which I feared succumbing to after a long battle as a teenager. Two months leading up to the dp/dr, I had been undergoing extreme stress and lack of sleep. One day it just hit me, like flipping a switch, and I was never the same again. I decided to attempt to solve my problems by flying to Mexico to use ibogaine. Rather than experiencing any of the intended effects, the experience resulted in what I feel to be severe and traumatic brain damage. Traumatic does not begin to describe the magnitude of this experience. It put me into a permanent state of hell. My symptoms were a feeling that my brain was being tasered, a sense that a high voltage of electricity was jolting through the neurons and synapses, an urge I could barely resist the urge to find the nearest precipice to jump off because my brain felt as if it were on fire. I felt as though I wanted to jump out of my skin or run screaming through the streets out of terror and in an attempt to make the fire in my brain stop. Anything to make it stop. My vision was jumpy, the colors were weird shades of green and yellow, it seemed as though I was looking out at the world from the inside of a murky algae filled fishbowl, and I felt very drunk from the sensation of ataxia. At night, my eyes saw spider webs as well as the rest of those symptoms.

Although the extreme visuals and drunk sensation toned down somewhat, the rest persisted for approximately seven months until I was prescribed Lamictal in July 2012. I had gone through a laundry list of medications that worsened my symptoms, but the Lamictal offered the first glimmer of hope. I could feel a tiny reduction in the insane frenetic energy in my brain, and that has continued with each dosage increase. I'm now at 725 mg with a target dose of 800 mg. It has been an unfathomable nightmare, and Lamictal truly saved my life; however it has not by any means cured me. I still live with intense dp/dr, but the experience is bearable. At night or when I am tired, the sense I am on a hallucinogenic drug rears it's ugly head. My brain often feels jumbled, and the sense of connectedness to my loved ones is compromised. It's an existence I would never wish on anyone, but I keep going because I have three children that need a mother in their life, and because I refuse to give up hope that I may get better. The hope that someday I might feel a modicum of joy in my life is something I refuse to give up on.

I posted on dpselfhelp for awhile and found it helped to connect with people who we're going through dp/dr as well. I also wanted to warn people against the possibility of brain damage from using ibogaine because there were some people considering using it for the same purpose I did. One young woman did choose to use it and ended up with many of the same symptoms I did. She corresponded with me for awhile but then suddenly stopped. I felt great concern she might have harmed herself or tried to end her life as she was considering that. I hope she did not give up and retained hope. There is always hope. I did know the feeling of suicidal ideation though. For many months, I felt a overwhelming urge to choose to end my life as well. I resisted because I knew I could not do that to my children.

I had never heard of hppd, but eventually learned about it and knew instantly that was what I was experiencing. Before that, the only thing I could relate to, other than an extreme version of dp/dr, were the symptoms commonly associated with some traumatic brain injuries. I met a guy who had fallen off some high scaffolding while doing construction work. He spent some time in a coma, and his family had been told that he likely would never come out of it, but he miraculously did. Needless to say, his life has never been the same. He lives in a daily hell from his brain injury. When he described his symptoms, I could relate to so many of them.

In reading many posts on this website, I feel a sense of connectedness to all of you, and I am very encouraged that we are fighting this fight together with so many who have also refused to give up hope. I'm also hoping to get some advice and feedback on treatments that have worked for people with similar symptoms to my own. I'm wondering about the possibility of getting alleviation from symptoms by trying Sinemet and/or Keppra as I've read some positive things about those drugs on this site. Any feedback would be very welcome. Thanks for taking the time to read my post, and I wish all of you healing and the hope of someday reclaiming our lives.

 

Hopefully, I can give you a glimmer of hope. I spent four years feeling suicidal from my hppd symptoms...I was in complete horror...I was sure that it never would end...realistically it gets better...you CAN EXPERIENCE JOY AND HAPPINESS. The brain is resilient!!! Look, we cant unlearn what we have esperienced. The brain stores this info but it DOES ADAPT. I priomise you will be happy again..I saw no light in my darkness for a miserable four years. YOu have no choice because of your children , and I think that's a great thing as you will get better. May I suggest meditation? Many studies show that meditation increases brain function and even neuronal growth. I don't believe however that most of what we are experiencing on these boards is "brain damage" in the physical sense. But emotional damage. EMotions can be healed.

HI Tigress. Im wondering to what degree are your symptoms. Are you experiencing full blown patterns on surfaces ? Full on tracers form your hands that you can actually count ? I.e., not streaks from your hands but multiple layered tracers in vivid quality? As if you are on a peak acid trip? Also do your symptoms wax and wane through the years? Have they subsided much? Thanks in advance.

Hello everyone, Im going to try and keep from rambling as much as possible but I have sooooo much to say and don't know how to fit it all into one thread and keep it from being "too much to swallow" so I will touch on as much as possible and if you have any questions feel free to ask as I hop what Ive gone through may help some of you and I would also like to learn

Ok so first of al I have been a member before....long ago when the forum had a dark blue and boxier scheme, I remember one of the more interesting posters was a guy named "Lucid". Hi Lucid if youre still posting. Anyway I have no memory of my account info so I had to start a new one.

So Ive been using psychedelics for 20 plus years and the only thing I know for sure is that they have the ability to hurt some of us and help some as well. They are a powerful tool and not to be taken lightly. That being said Ive gone through some horrific trips and have gone through HPPD (I still have it). I have stopped using psychedelics for a large chunk of the last four years and started using again albeit treading carefully. I was much more irresponsible with my dosage, set and setting prior to the onset of my problems as a result of these drugs.

So back in in 94 I discovered LSD and used it extremely frequently until 96. Initially it was a lot of fun and I got my kicks from visiting the psychedelic realms, however one bad trip lead to the next four years being hell and misery. This was my onset of HPPD, perhaps? Looking back at this event with a more collected state of mind I really believe that the onset of my HPPD was within the first few doses of LSD, in fact I believe this to be the case with anyone that uses psychedelics, however I may be wrong, its just speculative at this point. I believe I noticed mine as a result of PTSD like symptoms from extreme trauma. Ive asked a lot of my friends who tolerate psychedelics well about there visual symptoms and most will agree that they have visual snow, slight trailing etc, etc. I believe that I noticed mine due to spiritual and emotional trauma. In the same way war vets become delusional and believe things are happening that really aren't our HPPD perhaps gets exacerbated by the root cause of emotional trauma.

So for the next four years the only thing I could do to make myself feel better was to drink booze as I was in a constant state of agony. I feared that my food could be laced with LSD. I feared that I was stuck in a "plastic" world. (dp/dr I believe) and I was just so depressed as a result. I did any kind of research I could to try and find answers to my current state and I found a few suggestions along the way that where more in the "hair of the dog" school of thought. Well, fast forward four years and I figured things have slowly gotten better mentally but I knew I was still traumatized from my one high dose LSD experience, but I figured Id give a low dose of mushrooms a shot...I figured they were different than LSD. Well I was mostly wrong as they were very similar and initially I felt uncomfortable but it began leveling out and I rode the feeling out. Anyway when I came down from the experience I felt "cleansed". From that day forward I made a fairly rapid recovery, at least emotionally. I didn't even notice my visual disturbances. I felt "cured". I believe this to be a result of the mushrooms helping me come to terms with everything. That these drugs wont "hurt" me. As my main fear was being dosed again unexpectedly, or losing my mind. Now Im not suggesting that anyone follow my path but this is what worked for me. When I returned from the mushroom trip I felt probably 60% better than before and rapidly rached about 85% recovery within the next week. After this point I used mushrooms at varying dosages over the next 12 years. Not only did I use varying dosages but I had many experiences ranging from uncomfortable and just plain bad to spiritual and life changing. In fact I had one experience that resulted me in quitting two addictive substances (alcohol and tobacco) immediately after the experience. This lasted a good three years and then I returned to my bad behaviors. I have not noticed any increase in visual disturbances from mushrooms however I did use one RC (25c-nbome) recently that seems to have slightly exacerbated it for me. Ive used LSD on occasion since and have also seen a slight exacerbation but nothing very notable. My emotional state is stable.  

I do have to warn about cannabis. I find cannabis very uncomfortable to this day, Ive never really enjoyed after my bad experience with LSD but even before then it was a bit "wierd" for me so I believe that if you are not comfortable using cannabis that may be a warning sign that more powerful psychedelics may effect your emotional state and HPPD. I believe people who are neurotic or worry a lot about more trivial things than others are succeptable as well. Ive noticed more easy going people seem to have less issues using psychs.

The bottom line is everything is constantly changing our brain chemistry. Remember this, you will never return to a state prior to tripping because its impossible. I feel we must accept this. These powerful drugs just showed us how much our brains can change after one experience. You cant unlearn what you've experienced but you can come to terms with it and you can find contentment and happiness beyond your wildest dreams, just as you could before you had your drug experiences. I thought this was impossible but I did it. I was the most fucked up person I knew from drugs between 96-2000. But now I feel normal. I still get angry, I still feel sadness and I become joyful but I have control again. It just takes time and passion to get better.

Currently I use psychedelics a few times a year without many problems. Ill report back here as perhaps I could be your guinea pig of sorts and you guys can learn from me and I will learn from you as well.

-Regards