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Showing results for tags 'depression suicide'.
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I have had HPPD since the 20th of October 2023 i got it from smoking weed but before that, I had a bad acid trip. My HPPD is very severe i have all the symptoms and I'm diagnosed with severe depression and i take zoloft which doesn't affect my hppd at all.but I've started doing clonazepam once a week but now i do it daily because if i don't have any i start shaking and craving it. clonazepam reduces my visuals a little bit but most importantly it allows me to not worry about hppd but I've gained a tolerance and now I'm dependant on something that doesn't help anymore.i attempted suicide 12 April 2024 by slitting my wrists and downing a shit load of liquor and clonazepam.my mom saw my self harm and then i got diagnosed with severe depression and now i have to go to therapy once a week.i didn't tell the psychiatrist i have hppd because I'm 13 and i would get in trouble.im planing on doing killing my self by mixing a lot of heroin and clonazepam.i still have a slight bit of hope i might end up alright. i don't want a lecture about getting hppd at the age of 13 i know i fucked up i beat my self up about it daily. what should i do so i don't kill my self i personally view it as a matter of time i don't think there's any saving me I've been suicidal since the age of like 9.(apologies for my bad English and sorry for my shit grammar and sorry for making yall hear this i know this is my problem but i just want to get it out i want someone to know i have hppd i feel alone)
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So about a week ago I decided that I had had enough of this bullshit, drank a bunch of wine and whiskey and took a bunch of kpins. cut myself in artistic way "smiley face with eyes crossed out" I got a bucket of charcoal goin and put it on bricks in my truck, hopped in and locked the doors and threw my note up on the dash. "carbon monoxide poisoning" I remember I had headphones in listening to music and I lost all senses except hearing. My legs went numb and then when I was on the brink of loosing consciousness I bailed out of my truck and stumbled inside with my heart rate through the roof. I woke up the next day with my HPPD a little worse but it subsided back to baseline. I've always suffered from depression and anxiety and always felt like my death would be a suicide even before HPPD. but the fact is I COULD NOT DO IT! so I guess I'm in this to the end or at least until it subsides hopefully. A lot of shit has been goin on in my life lately. My grandfather died then my cousin and then my uncle this morning and I ask God why not me? Sometimes I wish God would give my physical health to someone who deserves it like a child with cancer and let me drop dead. I failed half of my classes last semester and I feel like I can never be the engineer, husband and father I aspired to be. It just seems like life is fucked for me and nobody understands. I have a new girlfriend now and I have no idea how to explain HPPD to her without me seeming to be insane. I know my HPPD could be considered mild compared to some of you but my pre-existing anxiety and depression make it to where I don't want to endure any more of this. I guess the moral of the story is you only get one life and even though all of us have fucked up that one life there is still a drop of happiness that can be squeezed out of every day. The thing I hate the most is there is no external abnormality that shows you're inner pain/struggle. Anyways I'm 3/4 through a bottle of wine which I know I shouldn't do cuz it has a rebound effect on my HPPD but occasionally I need a break. I just wanted to vent to some people who actually understand. PS: Thanks for listening to me bitch and moan. You guys/gals are the only ones who really understand.
