Deema

What happened to me? Severe symptoms after mushrooms persisting for over a year

I've posted my story on threads before but the short version is that earlier in December 2020, I had a 5 gram dose of psilocybin mushrooms. I had an intense experience, beautiful and parts were traumatic towards the end. I came out of it fine, however, I believe somehow that trip ‘primed' my brain, because two months later an accidental micro dose of 0.1 grams was enough to trigger the onset.

Approximately 5 to 6 hours after the micro dose, I experienced a seizure-like event which caused me to fall and lose consciousness. I do not remember the exact details following this, but recall having a severe panic/derealization sensation, causing me to alienate myself from those that I love thereafter. These symptoms continued to progress over the coming months into total insomnia lasting three months whereby I slept on average 1-2 hours during that entireperiod. Some of my symptoms include but are not limited to: 

- During first month: frequent urination and abnormal stools, extremely bad internal head tremors and pressure, body twitching, heart palpitations, loss of appetite, passing out on floor, total insomnia.
- Severely altered perception both visually and sense of being within reality 

- Loss of balance and coordination from altered perception, often can’t balance my head up, laying down also feels really distorted.

- Chronic insomnia and abnormal sleep, cannot feel sleepy. Insomnia lasting weeks with no sleep.
- When I close my eyes, they feel wide open inside as though I can ‘see through’ my closed eye lids
- Face feels very numb and transparent. 
- I lose all awareness of body, self and surroundings and boundaries with eyes closed 
- Severe head pressure and uncomfortable sensations
- Internal head tremors. Head shakes because of this, ear on pillow I can hear everything much louder.
- Burning sensations across head
- Out of body experiences like dpdr, and eventually a total loss of default state
- Constant oscillating high pitch tinnitus and static tinnitus

- intense terror anxiety 

- Severe agitation from this severe disconnect and not being able to rest into the moment or rest my eyes anything. When my agitation gets really bad I have no control over my body, no regulation 

Several of my previous psychiatrists, including my current, have established that it is very unlikely I suffer from psychosis alone but that my condition may have overlap- while depersonalization-derealization disorder has been considered it does not capture many of the main aspects of my lived experience; HPPD is the diagnosis I’ve received from several psychiatrists jointly but still does not capture my unique case. Neurofeedback (Brain Therapy Centre, Kent Town) has also found persisting aberrant brain activity. 

Details of symptoms:

I struggle to describe the current state I am living in, and much of the distress has been around crisis of authenticity where I feel like I am not believed.

I will now try to describe my lived experience. I acknowledge that my descriptions may be difficult to parse and I’ve tried my best to convey my states of being in spite of their highly unusual nature.  

My reality is distorted with my eyes open and closed. With my eyes closed, I perceive a hyper dimensional void headspace, my face feels dissolved, and experience very psychedelic closed eye visuals etc. 
I don’t retain any memory or impression of my environment or my spatial placement and orientation within it.  Is is not as though I'm staring straight into a screen in front of me but that there is nothing staring anymore, there is just void and no sense of where my eyes are looking from. This state is permanent and severely alters the way I perceive reality with my eyes open too. 

I have lost the ability to feel the default waking state with my eyes open. My reality is dissolved to the point I can no longer see anything I look at the way it would normally appear, it feels as though I can see reality but I’m not looking at it. I cannot rest my eyes on anything. I can’t feel that rested state when I close my eyes, my perception is such that it no longer feels like my awareness sits behind my face. I often struggle to balance my head or rest my eyes on anything. This is extremely physically uncomfortable.

I cannot feel sleepy and cannot drift off to sleep when I close my eyes. There is no shift between my sleep or wake state. It feels like I’m stuck in-between states, disconnected from my default states and their cycles. These sensations are extremely physically uncomfortable, with tinnitus, compulsive blinking, head pressure and severe internal head tremors being constantly experienced.

I have not fallen asleep normally for over a year. I lay there all night trapped in this void space with sometimes vivid visuals all around and ‘through’ me. 
I am awake for weeks and will have moments where I will slip into dream-like thinking. This was later revealed to be the way that I “sleep” during a sleep study. I am hardly able to function and I do not feel my current state is viable long-term.

There is a fellow with the same experience that has reached out to me online, who describes his experiences the exact same as me. Their condition was was also triggered by a micro dose one month following a high dose mushroom journey and has persisted for a year with little change.

 Any thoughts? 

I attempted to end my life in January using a euthanasia drug but I was found roughly 20 hours later and ressusicated from a 5 day coma. 

My heart is too shattered, and it’s unbelievable that a whole year of daily exercise, sobriety, eating and focusing my all on my healing did nothing. 

I do not feel my current state is livable and I will not be here for much longer. It is my greatest hope that in continuing to share my story, at least one person will be spared from the trauma I’ve experienced. Sending hope and wishing safe journeys upon those who choose to take these trips