miketusa

Ive dropped L about six or eight times since onset. Eaten shrooms about four times. Smoked DMT around five times. I smoke weed every day. I was unable to drink for a time, now I drink every day.

We're all different. I kind of just stopped worrying about. Dealt with the anxiety though meditation and good game trips. 

Never felt better, never been happier. It is my belief that there is hope for everyone. 

Symptoms that still persist are consistent visual abnormalities, and tinnitus after a loud show.

It made my symptoms worse at first. Sent me into downward spirals of fear and paranoia. But being the stubborn ass I am I stuck to my guns and kept on smoking. Now that I have built up a tolerance, and gotten used to, and aware of the way I'm thinking when I get high it's generally a non issue.

Sturgill Simpson - It Ain't All Flowers

One fantastic album.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EGCwKp1Xss

Pushing through social phobia is probably the most important step to grabbing back your life. The first 3 years of hppd, I was almost housebound, i was so anxious.... But slowly started to push myself into social situations and it got better... Still not great, but better.

This the damn truth! I spent the first year and a half inside my house staring at computer screens and waiting to die. I literally had to have a good friend of mine follow me around for months reassuring me that I was fine in most every situation I began to feel apprehensive about. I still fall into that ugly groove of social insecurity sometimes, though. Thank god for the few truly understanding people.

Do you feel like your cognitive function increased with the decrease of your anxiety?  My cognitive skills seem fucked compared to how they once were.  That plus DP/DR, anxiety, and brain fog (which I attribute to my cognitive skills being fucked) makes this shit a nightmare.  The visuals don't really bother me. 

 

Also, how long did you have HPPD prior to eating the acid and recovering?  It was really like a flick of a switch and you were better?  Ha sorry for asking alot of questions... just intrigued.  Anyways, congrats dude!! Can't say I'll do the same, but I do strongly believe that meditation and generally being more spiritual can do wonders. 

Yes I absolutely do. I definitely have more clarity. I can remember most things better. And it really was like the flick of a switch. About year, and a few months. Prior to that I was fairly sober most of the time. But my anxiety was getting worse and worse and I felt like utter shit. I ended up just saying fuck it. 

My HPPD hasn't gone away completely. I have pretty gnarly visuals somedays. But I've worked through the anxiety attached to those symptoms and now they are insignificant. I don't know how much cognitive damage I've done, if any. I'm sure I've done at least a little. I'd say I'm like 80% "recovered". But, life goes on. And I got back in the drivers seat, and stopped being so scared of myself. 


What I'm about to say will likely be met with some slight trepidation. I started eating LSD again. With more or less, a "guide" or "guru". Old head, part of the "family". He worked me through it. And once I got through it. And saw the beauty in myself, and the world again. And realized no matter what happens here, to me, its all going to be okay my anxieties literally vanished. One second I had them, and the next I did not.

And since then I've been on a spiritual path, so to speak. I meditate. I spend a lot of time outside, just smiling. I read a lot more. I feel fantastic. There hasn't been a day thats gone by in the last six months that I've been worried how HPPD will affect or is affecting me. It's insignificant. It's been marginalized.

And now I begin to wonder where the sickness really begins. How much of it is us? How much of it needs to be treated by pharmaceuticals? Im not advocating the use of psychedelics for treatment in this situation. I'm merely stating that maybe its more a psychosomatic issue than previously thought. Obviously things like visual abnormalities prove some changes have occurred some where in the brain.

I enjoy Marc Maron a great deal, thanks for the interesting share!

I've smoked DMT three times post HPPD. No discernable effects on my condition. Nothing seems to make it any worse or better for me these days. Long periods of sobriety, or long weekends of getting fucked up. I dont think DMT is a cure for anything. It is quite an interesting thing, though.

Quite an interesting letter. I myself have never done ahyuasca. I have a friend who has, and had nothing but good things to say about it. I guess the greatest risk is the pontential of worsening your condition. . .I think if you feel like its something that could pontentially help, and youre in a position to try this, then go for it.

Seems like an interesting adventure if nothing else.

I agree 100% on that.

 

Your body is very good at giving you warning signs and big huge fucking red alerts.

 

I got a warning sign after a few goes on the LSD and ignored it, so my body hit me with the big one. Now even a whiff of weed makes me trip like crazy and swear never to touch it again.

 

It's a good mechanism. Hellish to us, but in the grand scheme of things, makes total sense.

But in my case I experienced the weed thing, and was able to overcome it. So where does that leave people like me? I feel like the wound itself has healed and what im left with our scars. The visuals and minor symptoms I still experience.

For me, tripping means being on a hallucinogen. I don't connect it to any other drug or experience... People have taken the word into mainstream language... But, for me at least, it is purely associated with hallucinogens.

 

If I had to break that mindset down, it would be 3 part

 

Sensory - all the usual visual suspects, plus auditory hallucinations

 

DP/DR - The disconnect from reality you mention, including the expansion/contraction of time.

 

Thought process - Looking into every corner of your mind. Sub concious thoughts bubbling to the surface.

For me tripping also exudes a very real physical presence. The muscle tightening, the fluidity you feel. .  . almost like liquid, at least thats how it feels for me. . . and then it sort of mingles with the excited anxiety or ecstasy like feelings. I don't know. Its a very hard thing to put to words.

Well, for HPPD definition you can start with wiki http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hallucinogen_persisting_perception_disorder

 

Your signature includes several of the criteria: 1. Star-bursting 2.Visual Snow 3.Tinnitus 4.Blue Dots in Vision 5.After images 6.Trails

 

Perhaps defining tripping might be useful:

Most commonly it means "Under the influence of drugs" which the above are the result of.

Then there is "get high on a psychedelic drug" - but then how do you define high

 

But the root word trip often means going somewhere.  Perhaps that is better in context to the above questions/statements.

Would feeling drunk qualify?

How about DR - feeling disconnected from the world around ... the world feeling weird?

How about CEVs and OEVs?

It seems that feeling-disconnected-from-reality seems to be at the heart of tripping.

 

While this may seem to be knit-picking, it is important to understand or further refine what HPPD really is.

 

 

 

As far as feeling that one "has sustained no unwanted side effects".  There is what is obvious (more or less immediate) and the unobvious (long-term).  Radiation poisoning may or may not have immediate effects.  But radiation damage to the DNA can show up years later.  The same with smoking tobacco.  Which cigarette gave the guy cancer 20 years later?

 

It is interesting that recent acid reduced HPPD.  Perhaps you should try a MAOI.

I would agree that feeling disconnected-from-reality is the hallmark symptom of "tripping." It's hard to say how I "feel" exactly. I know one thing, going back into that world, and staring it down really, really helped me feel more comfortable with my HPPD. Did I have the greatest experience of my life? No, not quite. I was a pretty standard acid experience. But. i do feel overall more at peace with it. It is what it is. I just had to go back in there a few times. It felt weird leaving things the way they were. Scared as fuck of any drug.

Which leads me to further question the correlation between the dp/ dr everyone feels and PTSD. Also, I tend not to worry about the future. It's a terribly crippling characteristic. But, who knows? Maybe in a couple weeks my brain will implode with CEVS and Ill think I'm an orange. And then I'll pace around in circles muttering "Orange you glad I'm not an banana." in a very soft room. 

Anyways, I am unfamiliar with the typical MAOI pharmaceuticals, have you tried any yourself Visual? What would you recommend I start with? 

I don't see this as any less likely to help than visiting a spiritual healer in Brazil, Jess.

 

A chemical brain injury - what do you even mean by that? It's so vague that it is an essentially pointless term. Everything is chemical. 

 

If you mean a lack of or misappropriation of neurotransmitters (is that what HPPD is?!) - well neurofeedback has been shown to improve the symptoms of Parkinson's.

 

Oh, and have you seen this thread? http://hppdonline.com/index.php?/topic/3665-temporary-visual-snow-treatment/ - how can watching a video for a couple of minutes temporarily correct a chemical brain injury? 

Regarding that video. Has anyone tried watching it daily over the course of a few months? Or is that a silly idea? Im no scientist. 

Weird, I can't say that it feels like I'm still tripping, it did for the first month or so, but eventually once DP/DR disappeared, all those "Mind" illusions disappeared and only static on the visual field remained.

From what I remember tripping had a lot of "Trippy effects" (YOU DON'T SAY) and I can say now that I don't experience any of that at all.

For example altered time perception, patterns, "enhancing of distance", morphing of objects, and Ultra HD vision.

For me HPPD seems like the opposite of a trip, like being drunk vs being hungover. You maybe speak some truth about HPPD being the illusion of still tripping, but then HPPD is a psychological disorder, while Visual Snow is a physiological disorder, one can be cured the other can not.

Because if HPPD is described as "Still feeling like you're tripping" then I don't have HPPD.

Same. If HPPD is still tripping, then count me out. It definitely felt that way for a couple of weeks after onset. I have dropped acid, real acid, tested and everything a few times in the past few months. Very low doses twice, and then a medium dose the third time. My HPPD seemed to improve marginally for several hours after all three trips. And I have sustained no unwanted side effects. Which leads me to the belief that I have healed as much as I am going to. There seems to be an extreme distinction between the dp/dr and the more perceptual abnormalities. Not news. However, it does appear possible that while my visual abnormalities persist, the part of this disorder that rendered me unable to partake in recreational drug use seems to have utterly dissipated over the course of the last year. But I take it slow, slow for me. Please don't comment on the foolish decision to take more psychedelics. I'm am more than aware of the dangers! But I do feel the need to share all and any experiences related to it. Im a bit of a reckless guinea-pig, i must admit. Or drug addict, whichever you prefer. Anyways, as I seem alone in these experiences, i would implore that everyone continue on the sober path. 

As to what symptoms arose, or increased in severity. . . I can't remember exactly. For a while I would drink and I would have insane visual snow the next day. Definitely after images, and star bursting. Both of which have fluctuated in intensity ever since. I drink now. Among other things. None of which seems to bother my symptoms much these days. Though, I doubt I will rid myself of these symptoms. But, for you, perhaps there is some hope! Its a fickle illness. Honestly, the symptoms sound quite similar to the ones I experienced, and continue to. Just walk a tight line, and try not to to let it consume your every waking hour.

Does Mdma make your symptoms worse?

I took a very low dose of some subpar molly. Just felt extremely elated for the night. Next day I had the blues a bit. No worsening of symptoms, though. My HPPD seems to be somewhat resistive to worsening. That is, that my drug interactions have returned to what I consider normal. Not the extreme sensitivity that has become a hallmark of this disorder. Which has allowed me to continue smoking cannabis. Personally, I attribute this to my use of gabapentin. But I can not be sure. Perhaps time has played more of a roll than I previously thought. Hopefully, I can continue to tread lightly in this sort of twilight zone of hppd without much more damage to myself.

I have been doing this a lot and its getting annoying 

No I don't agree. PTSD is the greater evil hear. If HPPD was on par with physical blindness then you might have a case. But I would gladly trade DP/DR , Horrific flashbacks, insomnia, and living in a perpetual state of fear, which are all associated with PTSD for some visual distortions, that's if they can guarantee that MDMA would heal my PTSD

For sure! As someone who has recovered from most of the PTSD like symptoms of HPPD. Living with visual distortions is a cake walk in comparison to where I was. It's simply a reminder that I'm a little different.

I saw that on Reddit as well. Certainly interesting. 

I am ready and willing to do whatever or be a part of whatever. I can't help but feel that people aren't being vocal enough about their opinions on this seemingly dramatic proposal. As it will inevitably affect all of us. 

I wish more people seemed willing to take the next steps. 

I personally like Society for the Study Of Perceptual Disorders

I forget the word. But doctors often use a word to describe the act of prescribing medication for disorders it was not intended for. This is what generally keeps doctors from prescribing things like keppra. It's not necessarily that the drug is unsafe. It's just that they do not want to be the first doctor in their practice prescribing some confessed drug abuser things like lamictal and keppra. So they key is finding someone a bit more open minded. Easier said than done. In the end it's up to you to let the doctors know, that you know what you need. But do it in a way that makes them feel helpful. Doctors have feelings too. Anyway my doc told me I didn't have hppd. That i should sue whomever "spiked" my drink with LSD(that's the lie I went with)and also that I may be feeling the way that I am because of a subconscious disappointment in myself. Specifically that i didn't go to college. Then she asked if I was sexually active and recommended I get blood work done. Basically telling me that the topic was no longer up for discussion. No joke. I got up and left.

Interesting. Truly.

MDMA has hallucinogen properties. 

 

You're back here after some of your symptoms returned. You really think use of drugs has nothing to do with that?

 

Just stay away from all drugs. It's the ONLY sensible choice.

I'm inclined to agree.

just go with what feels right i guess, i still use drugs and find i know what does and doesnt sit well with me, alot of/ most people on here say mdma makes it worse, but for me thats just not true. i wouldnt recommend going all out though, not just for the sake of your hppd but also because its stupid haha

I took a very small, small dose of molly at the last show I went to. I try to limit myself to a few beers and weed. Ironically the only problems I have after all that is an increase in my tinnitus as the show got very loud. In fact that night I felt fantastic. Unfortunately a speaker I was standing near shot some loud guitar feedback directly into my brain via my ear canal. It's been two days. Hopefully it goes away, as its a little more annoying now. Still, bearable. I generally tell people that I would never touch psychedelics again. And that much is mostly true. But it's not every day someone carries around extremely pure low doses of MDMA in their pocket. So I decided, given the circumstances I would indulge. Probably won't again. Just a nice break from having to militantly swear everything off.