How do I move forward with this?

[Seasons546]

Well first of all, I am thankful that I found this forum. It's been over a year now since the experiences that caused my hppd. I have had no idea what exactly was going on. I did copious amounts of research over alexithymia, schizoid personality disorder, depression, and many other things.

The winter of 2010, I took some very powerful acid. I wasn't in a solid place mentally, and it was kind of spur of the moment. It was entirely foolish, but I just wish I didn't have to pay for it every day. During the trip I experienced one set emotion: panic. No matter what I did I felt exactly the same. No music sounded good, nothing.

I was never okay after the trip. I felt anxious, and empty. I continued to smoke cannabis until about a year ago, which didn't help at all. During this past winter I just had thought loops constantly. The same thoughts over and aover all day and night. I couldn't stop. There was a three day period of time where I felt exactly like I did on the trip. I basically just slept fourteen hours a day and eventually it did pass. I experience visual snow, sometimes things move, and visuals similar to this (http://en.wikipedia....sualization.gif), but colorless.

I can't become engaged in anything I do because I'm always watching myself, analyzing myself. I always feel like I'm split into two people, one who's living and one who's watching. I feel as if I've totally lost who I was.

I've started to drink a significant amount of coffee, but abstain from all other drugs. The coffee really helps, honestly. I don't feel normal, but I can make jokes again, and just talk to people in general. It makes the visuals really intense though. I worry it's detrimental in the long run.

So, how does everyone else deal?

Also, I'd like to say again just how grateful I am I've found somewhere I can talk about this. I've never told anyone before now.

[gill]

The perception of watching yourself, as if being split, as I mentioned in another thread, is Depersonalization. You're not actually 'going crazy', but it can feel like it. It's mostly related to over-stimulation. How long it lasts depends on how people treat themselves, and other unknown factors. But, I used to visit the DP site for awhile, and many people say they have gotten much better, but takes a lot of patience. It's not hopeless though.

[aztec99]

Dpselfhelp.com might help you.

[DeeJaySwayD]

I have had all these symptoms with severe visual disturbances (trails, halos, starbursting, static, movement, fade to black, awful peripheral, change of colors, nightblindness)...i also have 4 possibly 5 personalities. I was diagnosed in 2005 i think, but probably had it long before then. I cant say what exact chemical or combo did it...DOC, DOI and amphetamines combined made me seek answers though. I find that xanax comes wirh an addiction but it calms the mental and visual static without taking my prophetic and clairvoyant nature away completely, since i was almost (according to the dsm!) Completely schizophrenic., borderline personality disorder still exists strong with ptsd and acute, chronic anxiety but i live a good life. Depersonilization only when i really lose my mind or someone else steals my face, i have used my mpd to the advantage of always being able to see whats going on in my head, like i do not flashout or blackout from headgames or dope, only severe concussions, which i have also had about 7 of.

I have adjusted, but i have bad social skillz sometimes and am socially shy on purpose sometimes due to it. Driving at night is bad since staring at taillights causes trails sometimes covering 80% + of my visual feild. I also become dyslexic when i combine xanax and thc. I still party on occasion, more amphetamines and benzos than acid these days, but i can handle my own.

Im shot out but i think since i view more, i can only learn more, gain more new perspectives and be smarter.

My wrist is tattooed with ''don't drop bombs, drop acid.'' and the other with ''coincidence or providence.''

[mgrade]

Very interesting DeeJaySway........I hold good things in my heart for you and hope only the best for you.

Don't use illegal drugs anymore.

MPD is of interest to me. It seems to me that if you are conscious of the existence of the different personalities, that that is a good step towards coming to terms with your disorders.

It is very hard for me to understand having many different personalities but IMO they must be facits of you (the complexity), or judgements/superego within your self.

I think that it all boils down to trauma. You being hypervigilant. Paranoia. I think you must not worry about anything, nothing. You should not put yourself in social situations that will bring you stress.

You have to realize that in the end, this is all in your one existence. You may have these personalities but they are all coming from your one body.

I don't think you are clairvoyant. But i do think that you could be a prophet.

As long as you realize there is reality beyond all the distortions, and you can see some semblance of it, you are on the right road.

[DeeJaySwayD]

Its amazing to find people who can relate and support.

I def havent lost touch with reality, lol, id like to sometimes as it is stressful. And your correct, i have a horrible time handeling it, it makes me have an bad attitude and a mean tone of voice according to my household, but i mean no harm or negativity atvall, just been through too much ish.