I guess it’s about time I just accept it

[RandyW.03]

Since I was 14 I had an interest in taking psychedelics but they were like a holy grail find, until my best friend at the time offered me some acid as his brother was the local weed dealer and had acquired some pretty good quality lsd.  Of course being an idiot and only ever hearing the benefits of psychedelics I indulged/ made the worst decision of my life. GOD PLEASE FORGIVE ME.  My first trip was not the trigger of my hppd but was the beginning of such path.  It was amazing it was beautiful and I must say pretty much cured all depression I had and the depression was pretty chronic back then, having a family history of suicide I believe I got a good majority of those genes.  After the first trip I was an enthusiast as you may call it, taking any chance I could to trip/breakthrough.  Got so caught up in it a breakthrough was pretty much every trip like I had trained myself to do such and knew when it was going to happen, and it did a lot.  Fast forward 5 years I’m now 19 years of age, believed that I was quite smart and very quick as I work, intern, and go to college(still do though don’t know how much longer I can handle this stress and the hppd) 2022 was yet another year of countless trips and I seriously mean countless,  eventually I got pretty bored of lsd and a friend of mine had acquired some shrooms, penis envy to be exact, and I bought him out with intentions of many blastoffs to come. They did btw xD.  Anyway this isn’t a laughing matter, I tripped probably 100 more times throughout the year and life was actually amazing hadn’t cried in probably 3 years as I said psychedelics did pretty much erase any depression or negative thoughts, they really allowed to enjoy the gift that life is and I still kinda do, they gave me a greater connection to god, like and insane connection to what I call god, as if I could feel my prayers being answered one at a time,  then I got 2 tabs from a kid I used to go to school with, they were sent over from Sweden and the chemist is quite well known, as he should be these tabs were unlike anything else I had ever taken in my life, he really put some love into them, anyway that trip was most likely what started my hppd as every night after that I would have vivid visuals with my eyes closed, at the time I enjoyed them and they didn’t scare me at all in fact I pretty much took it as a blessing/another prayer answered

“the ability to see badass visuals without getting high, fuck yeah”

Anyway even though I had this new, “ability” as I thought of it I continued to take the shrooms I had bought earlier in the year,  until one day not too long ago maybe 3-4 weeks, memory has really started fading.  I woke up feeling quite “different” horrible in fact. Worst headache I have ever had, as-well as left leg was completely numb. Though the numbness quickly faded the headache, well still have it today.  Immediately I tried to ignore whatever this was and proceeded to get ready for work as normal.  I noticed my toes were in pain like an internal pain, like I wanted to cut them off type shit,  though I proceeded on, took a uncomfortable shower, uncomfortably got dressed and attempted to drive to work.  Once I got to work things elevated, not knowing of hppd at the time I took myself to local clinic as my job allows me to get free treatment(which is fucking dog shit and I’ll never go back there). The doctors there took blood and urine and put me on anxiety meds, they don’t work.  So I get an appointment with family doctor and same thing blows me off as anxious, though I know I’m not anxious or I hadn’t suffered from such the day, week or years leading up to this.  So doctors have been no help for me, though I do recommend getting checked for any other medical condition as they will exacerbate symptoms of hppd, it’s been maybe 4 weeks I have been dealing with this and I thought it was getting better nearly ignorable until, last night.  Don’t get me wrong I haven’t been able to sleep much at all but last night was pretty bad, and the lack of sleep caused my symptoms to worsen A LOT, this morning woke feeling every symptom as strong as the first day, and new ones.  Made another appointment and got vitals and blood checked again to ensure I’m not dying, but of course that only suppresses the anxiety a little.  Currently I’m trying to catch up on sleep but a new symptom has arisen, auditory hallucinations, pretty much scarring me out of bed.  So you’re up to date on me I’ll do my best to update as much as I can though if it subsides I’m getting very far away from the letters “hppd”.

Symptoms

Headache, cev, insomnia, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, rare floater, tinnitus, auditory hallucinations(just started), weird bowel activity, eyes strained and an overall feeling of being uncomfortable. 
 

Any questions will be answered hastily.

[cosmiccharlie]

Hey,

     Glad you found us and I'm sorry about your situation, I'm sure it's very stressful.  Try and remain calm and take it a day at a time.  Most of us have been exactly where you are today and have made some form of recovery.  I know it can be scary, exhausting, overwhelming...there's a long list.  The most important thing you can do is to stop taking hallucinogens and smoking pot if you still are.  There are stages of recovery and abstinence from these substances is crucial to allow the process to begin.  You'll be okay, you're still you even if you don't feel like it.  You made a mistake and will learn from it.  Trust me, the feeling of making it through what you're experiencing now is truly wonderful.  To get there you just have to get through today.  Try not to focus on your symptoms or the disorder i.e. going down internet rabbit holes.  Anxiety is strongly coupled to HPPD as you probably know, doing what you can to minimize anxiety and stress will make things more manageable.  For me and many others, living a healthy lifestyle after developing HPPD enabled recovery to begin.  The list below worked for me.  

• Stop all drugs, even alcohol for a while.
• Take it one day at a time, try not to think about the past or future just be here now. 
• Keep yourself busy with healthy, productive things; hobbies, work, etc...
• Exercise even if it makes your symptoms worse
• Do the best you can to not focus on HPPD; minimize time spent online looking into it and time thinking about it (this tends to generate anxiety which is not helpful for us) 
• Try learning to meditate, even if it's just for a minute or two.  We all have the ability to go inward for strength and healing.  For example, you can spend 30 seconds or a minute sitting and noticing your breath and thinking the following: 

1. when I breath in I notice I am breathing in
2.  when I breath out I notice that I am breathing out and I smile because I am alive. 

It's that simple!

• Try and get as much sleep as you can.  
• If you're open to it, pray to God in whatever way you think is appropriate.  You don't even have to believe in anything, just ask for help.  

 

If you'd like to talk on WhatsApp DM me.  

Hang in there,

Nick 

[cosmiccharlie]

This is my first post on the forum, you can make it! 

[RandyW.03]

5 hours ago, cosmiccharlie said:

This is my first post on the forum, you can make it! 

Yea I’ve been lurking for awhile, you and jay seem to be the two most active and attentive, I tripped quite a few times and am worried that this maybe my baseline which is pretty unbearable, anyway the auditory hallucinations have stopped today and I’ve gotten some sleep finally. I have no temptation to do any drugs at all quit weed after years and years of HEAVY use, thought I was getting better and then yesterday symptoms were back worse than ever.  Appreciate the support it means the world.

[cosmiccharlie]

On 1/27/2023 at 7:16 PM, RandyW.03 said:

Yea I’ve been lurking for awhile, you and jay seem to be the two most active and attentive, I tripped quite a few times and am worried that this maybe my baseline which is pretty unbearable, anyway the auditory hallucinations have stopped today and I’ve gotten some sleep finally. I have no temptation to do any drugs at all quit weed after years and years of HEAVY use, thought I was getting better and then yesterday symptoms were back worse than ever.  Appreciate the support it means the world.

Hang in there man.  If you'd like to chat on the phone we can arrange that.