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Thank the gods I found out what is wrong with me!!!!

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I have always suffered from mental illness and to be frank an extremely inquisitive mind. I had an ingrained obsession from early childhood of looking directly at or focusing on what I could not bear to look at or understand. I cannot begin to articulate the inner world I deal with regularly since I was a child and how it grew and was twisted by trauma, mental health, and eventually drugs. I am so chemically sensitive to outside chems and my own brain chems, that I think this was inevitable and  I don't even regret it, I just am so so happy to understand what has been happening to me ever since my first trip at 17. Its been getting worse, but I always thought it had to do with my BPD. I would have never been able to understand how broken I was if this hadn't happened to me. I can't even begin to say how happy I am I finally faced my fear and googled this! I may have ditched my entire family and gone and lived in the woods for 3 days. It gave me time away from people and stress and a lot of time to think. The more I got away from people the less I hallucinated. Then I would have a PTSD trigger and it would come back. Or I would decide to take one hit of my bowl (it sucks because it still gives me the calming sensation.) and it would come back. Last week I was in-patient on the psych ward and I took Benzos for the first time and felt relief for the first time in years. The BFEP was the biggest indicator because I have had that one since after my fist trip. I know I am not making a lot of sense right now, but I am ecstatic and terrified! I am so grateful I clicked on this damn link and calmly breathed through reading the lines of text that are sliding sideways on the screen! Its going to be okay!

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