A little more than a month in

[Tekodu]

Quick Update: Been a little more than a month total since developing HPPD and about 3 weeks since taking adderall and getting a pretty bad flareup. I feel like I'm pretty much back down to baseline and am honestly pretty confused as to where I'm at right now haha. I don't notice the visuals a whole lot anymore, but I can't really tell whether that's because the symptoms are fading or I'm just getting used to them. The only time I really notice symptoms are if my anxiety is in high gear, so I think it's more external things causing anxiety which then causes more noticeable visual symptoms, thus making my anxiety worse. I've also been trying to stay off this site and the HPPD subreddit since they cause my anxiety to really kick up as many others have said.

What's weird is that it feels like I don't really have visual snow anymore, like I can't really see precise graininess as much as this hard to describe annoying saturation, which is mainly noticeable outside. I'm grateful to be at the point where I'm questioning these things again lol, but I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac, so there's a chance I could be making shit seem worse in my head. I've also had a few episodes of pretty bad depression, but I think it could also be from still getting accustomed to having to deal with life and all my problems without just being able to go make myself feel better by smoking some weed or taking some adderall lol.

I've been totally sober, working out every day, and been on a pretty good diet (I actually lost 10 pounds in the past month, which I've been trying to start doing for a while!). Hoping everything recedes in a few months and I can just forget about this by the time university starts.

[scaredhuman]

Hi, it sounds like you're doing really well! From what I can see it seems as though your problem is more the anxiety around having these symptoms rather than actually having the symptoms themselves.

I've had pretty severe visuals for over 3 years now and I know for certain they are there all the time, except they don't bother me so much when I'm not thinking about them/distracted by or involved in something else. Sometimes I can go a whole day or even days without thinking about them.

Sorry to hear about your struggles with mental health. But you seem well on the track to recovery from HPPD, if you're already questioning whether the symptoms are there anymore after a month in then you'll be fine for sure! And it's awesome that you've been making really healthy life choices as a result of this, so maybe part of it could be a blessing in disguise.

One piece of advice is if it does fully go away, I'd highly suggest continuing to avoid drugs and especially not trying anything new, hallucinogens or anything that caused your HPPD in the first place. When I first got HPPD from acid 4 years ago, my symptoms faded away to being barely noticeable after a year and then taking magic mushrooms completely ruined it all and made my visuals so, so much worse than they ever were originally, and maybe permanently as they haven't changed at all since then. But if that does happen don't lose hope either cause I still manage okay.

So just be careful, because it's not worth it, keep making healthy choices and try not to focus too much on HPPD or you'll convince yourself you have symptoms that may not even exist. Try and get support for your depression and anxiety, surround yourself with people you care about, keep doing things you enjoy and try and keep moving on from HPPD so you can enjoy life!

[Tekodu]

@scaredhuman thanks man, I'm definitely doing pretty well. I've realized my visual problems are pretty insignificant and ignorable unless I'm getting extremely anxious.

The last few days have been pretty tough, however, as I made the mistake of getting wrapped up in the r/hppd subreddit and got filled with tons of negativity and worries that recovery is pretty much impossible, which in turn made me focus on the visuals more making me perceive them as even worse, thus producing more anxiety. The contrast between the positive and helpful community on this site and the existential negativity on Reddit is insane lol.

I'm definitely not going to be getting into drugs again and looking back on it it was never fulfilling anyways. It's almost like I was always chasing a feeling that I could never really get to with drugs and now I'm free to chase some real fulfillment with my work and studies. I've actually considered getting more involved with the neurology program at Indiana University, where I'm a freshman studying social psychology, to hopefully make some contributions to the understanding and treatment of this disorder, even if it means just getting tests ran on me haha.

I know recovery is still going to be a pretty long and tough path, but I'm really trying to turn this into a positive experience and hopefully come out of this even stronger and better than before.

Hope you're getting on well and see some improvements yourself!

[scaredhuman]

@Tekodu It's great that you're doing well. And even not having severe visuals, it tends to be the mental health problems that come with HPPD that are the worst for people so I feel you that your struggles are hard too.

It's crazy how much just reading negativity about HPPD can effect your experience with it. It shows that a lot of it comes down to the mindset we have and anxiety around it. Definitely avoid reading anything like that if you can. I used to obsessively trawl these forums and now I can go ages without even coming on here anymore as sometimes it helps to just try and forget about HPPD and get on with life. The more you focus on it the more it gets to you.

Yeah I mean it's just an artificial high anyway. There's so much more that you can get out of life. Getting HPPD made me interested in neuropsych and now I'm studying it so there are silver linings.

It's awesome to hear you're making it positive, and all the best to you with your recovery.