Jacob Lesley Posted April 13, 2021 Report Share Posted April 13, 2021 Hello, I am 22 years old and have HPPD for 9 months now and I can’t take it no more. I need some relieve for my anxiety and depression. I am at day 7 with taking the SSRI Citalopram but woke up this night in full derealisation vision was tunnel vision mode and later started panicking and threw up from the tension because I never had it this bad. I still feel a bit weird But on the internet there is a link: https://www.ntvg.nl/artikelen/persisterende-waarnemingsstoornissen-na-het-gebruik-van-ecstasy/extended_abstract he recovered and we used almost the same substance I used MDMA and he used Ectasy so I thought why not try it and called my doctor he prescribed, it the same amount. Now I am scared because I see a lot of people saying their visuals got worse because of SSRI. Did the additional visuals go away when you stopped using SSRI or they did not stay didn’t they? Because I just want to get better thats all it has been hard enough last 9 months shall I continue or quit the SSRI? or is this just the side effect in the beginning and will get better when the weeks pass by? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacob Lesley Posted April 13, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2021 I really need help because I need to take another pill in 12 hours and need guidance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacob Lesley Posted April 13, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2021 Hope to hear from you guys soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hall89 Posted April 13, 2021 Report Share Posted April 13, 2021 I made a thread about this as well a few weeks ago, you can read it below. Since then i've been in contact with many that have jumped on SSRI without any changes to their vision, and there are more case reports in the litterature were the patients visual symptoms have decreased or gone in to remission while on an SSRI. So i don't think that you need to worry. Also, if your mental health improves the visuals will be easier to deal with. Bu the first 3-4 weeks on an SSRI can be tough because of the temporary side effects that many get, but these will subside, so hold on mate! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cosmiccharlie Posted April 13, 2021 Report Share Posted April 13, 2021 I have been on an SSRI for almost 3 years and it has mostly helped me recover. I think there was a a transient period in the beginning of visual symptoms getting slightly more pronounced but it subsided. Hope this helps, listen to your doctors, stay off drugs and stay positive; you are young and will recover. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cosmiccharlie Posted April 13, 2021 Report Share Posted April 13, 2021 Remember, SSRIs are changing the way your brain operates. They take time for the effects to be realized and for an equilibrium to be reached. I would recommend talking to your doctor about this, it sounds like you had a panic attack which can be the result of SSRI side effects. As far as permanence of additional symptoms is concerned, everyone is different but like I said, mine went away after a few weeks on them. How extensive was your drug use? How frequent, dosages? These factors are usually good predictors of recovery timeline and chances. For me, the SSRI enabled me to overcome the anxiety in the beginning of my second recovery and definitely provided benefit in many aspects of my life. They're not a cure all but they are certainly a useful tool. Unfortunately, they don't work for everyone. I would also recommend using them in conjunction with talk therapy, that's how you really see the benefit. Good luck my friend! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacob Lesley Posted April 13, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2021 Thankyou so much for the reaction! I thought I broke my brain because of the SSRI. These forums are really bad for my anxiety, I think the panic attack was triggered because people saying The SSRI and hppd gives you damage and went to bed a little anxious and woke up super in full panic mode at 3.30PM. My drugs use was not frequent and I barely used drugs. I used 5 times xtc or mdma in 4 year and the last time when the hppd started I had 3-4 licks of mdma and a whole lot of alcohol. My friends use way more drugs and higher doses. But I have no brain damage of SSRI? And it is not possible that hppd recovery is slowed down or worse? Because my visuals were more intense since the start of the SSRI I am still in anxious mode with derealisation 100% back I hope that goes away soon.. feel like a panic attack can start any second and my Tittinus is more intense and feeling in a buble but you think that goes away? so shall I proceed with the SSRI CITALOPRAM 20 MG a day? If you think it does not damage I want to go one You are really helping with reaching out thank you so much I thought I was losing it.... but will all be fine ofcourse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacob Lesley Posted April 13, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2021 I think it is probably the side effects that triggered it so that makes me worry a lot less Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacob Lesley Posted April 13, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2021 @cosmiccharlie @Hall89 sorry forget to tagg you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cosmiccharlie Posted April 13, 2021 Report Share Posted April 13, 2021 (edited) Hi Jacob, I will preface this with I AM NOT A DOCTOR and therefore can not make any truly informed recommendation. I can however tell you what worked for me and SSRIs did help and didn't produce any damage. I think ultimately time will be your best friend in terms of recovery. Your drug use is not very extensive which will work in your favor. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, some people are really sensitive to these substances, some contract the disorder from only weed. It seems to really depend on the individual. There are also people who can use drugs for years with no HPPD related consequences. I have a friend who has taken way more acid than me, granted my doses were pretty high a few times but it has had zero effect on him. Also, my frequency of consumption exceeded his which is probably what did me in. Anyway, you will get past this. My personal recommendation is to be completely honest with your doctor and try not to go down the rabbit hole of this forum and the internet too much. You'll only generate anxiety which exacerbates symptoms. I tell everyone on here the same thing which worked for me: Stop all drugs (even alcohol for a bit if you can) Get as much sleep as you can Exercise regularly even if it makes your symptoms worse Eat well Stay busy with work/ school/ hobby etc Try not to worry Learn to meditate if you can (this was really helpful for me) If you're open to it, start praying to God (it doesn't have to be any particular religion just ask for help on your knees everyday. I really believe it will come if we reach out) You will recover, you're young with only a moderate drug history. This is coming from a guy who ate 15 hits of good LSD in one night, if I can recover then so can you. I am also a mathematics PhD student at a reputable university, life does not end with this disorder. Take it as a hard lesson and believe me, when you recover, your appreciation for life becomes immense. Take Care, Nick Edited April 13, 2021 by cosmiccharlie typos 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacob Lesley Posted April 13, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2021 @cosmiccharlieOk thankyou so much for your time and your advise you saving my thoughts and anxiety with this posts. If it did not hurt you then I will continue with my SSRI and expect it to be a side effect! I mean I almost never used drugs and was so cautious when I used it I actually broke quarter ectasy pills in half because I didn’t want to mess with it I know I will recover and the SSRI will help me eventually now I just need to deal with extreme panic attacks and derealisation for the next week but I can handle it Thankyou!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hall89 Posted April 13, 2021 Report Share Posted April 13, 2021 With the anxiety you're having i would continue with them. And as Nick said, start training regurarly, because there really isn't anything more effective against anxiety. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacob Lesley Posted April 14, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 14, 2021 @Hall89 @cosmiccharlie The night went well but now I am extremely tired walking to the kitchen is already very exhausting and I feel a bit confused with sight and mind reading is also a bit hard is this also normal? Did you experience this fatigue? My anxiety is slowly coming back because of this.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cosmiccharlie Posted April 14, 2021 Report Share Posted April 14, 2021 Check out the side-effects of your med and remember that you have really just started it. If you are truly concerned I would talk to your doctor about what you're experiencing or even the pharmacist. You can call any pharmacy and ask to speak to the pharmacist, they will likely be able to answer some questions free of charge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cosmiccharlie Posted April 14, 2021 Report Share Posted April 14, 2021 If you speak to a medical professional and they are not concerned, I would just try not to think about what you're going through just accept it because it will likely pass in a few days or weeks as your equilibrium is reached. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacob Lesley Posted April 17, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2021 @cosmiccharlie @Hall89 thankyou for the reply! It is day 11 and I feel like a zombie and 100% detached from myself. I havent been able to go can’t outside because it is too frighting. I also feel stuck and claustrophobic in every room I am in it is horrofic Is this normal? If you think it still is the side effects I will proceed.. I hope it is a side effect... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cosmiccharlie Posted April 17, 2021 Report Share Posted April 17, 2021 I think you should talk to your doctor at this point. Like I said, I am not qualified to give medical advice I only know what has helped and hurt me. Try and stay calm, you will get through this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacob Lesley Posted May 2, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2021 @cosmiccharlie @Hall89Hi guys! really need your help I am mentally in a very bad space.. The SSRI made everything worse I quitted and it’s the 10th day and I am not back on my old level yet.. I don’t want to live like this forever it’s literally hell. I am literally becoming suicidal I can’t function can’t be around friends and can’t go to long because the symptoms making me overstimulated.. I just don’t want to live like this forever and I can accept it for maximum of 2 - 2,5 years from now but if I know that this will stay forever death is a certainty. Just know myself to well it’s full recovery or just death.. I just want to live without these problems that make you mentally in so much pain. Feel worthless and hopeless and I am doing everything right with the hppd tips.. living healthy, no alcohol, exercising and It is 9 and a half month later and It only got worse with the ssri Its worse as the start and it was already difficult functioning back then... I just feel like ending it please tell me I will make a full recovery I can’t handle anything else. The most frustrating thing is I never did drugs and was so careful with it microdosing everytime when my friends at 4 pills a night I barely ate 1. Please please tell me it will end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacob Lesley Posted May 2, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2021 Can’t go out* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cosmiccharlie Posted May 2, 2021 Report Share Posted May 2, 2021 Hi Jacob, You will recover just give it time. If you are off the SSRI for 10 days that's probably affecting the way you feel as well. Did you taper off or just stop? These meds are funny, they work well for some but not for others. It's important to remember it can take a few months for your mind to stabilize once you start or stop the medication. I highly recommend speaking to a doctor and telling them what you are telling us. There is a possibility of suicidal thoughts as a result of the SSRI so it's definitely possible that your situation is a result of this, I'm sure they can give you good advice. As far as feeling helpless, I've been there many times myself. Remember, this too shall pass. This is a difficult time in your life but remember that you will recover if you keep doing the right thing. One step at a time, one hour one moment. I like to think hard times are like climbing a mountain, it can seem endless, miserable and hopeless. But, put one foot in front of the other and over time you eventually reach the summit and can finally remember why you kept going. Recovering from this disorder is extraordinarily difficult but remember that if you are alive, you are human and posses intrinsic value. You will find your value again just believe that you will. Take Care, Nick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacob Lesley Posted May 2, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2021 @cosmiccharlie @Hall89I have already talked to an Psychologist made it worse because he said you need to accept it forever. That thought made it worse because it is not an option for me I see a lot of people here talking about accepting it I can do it for a temporary time not forever it is not for me. I rather quit if that is the case also giving me a lot of rest in my head with that thought. And I am also very very suprised that in anno 2021 most doctors have no idea how to help it they can replace hearts and do all kinds of miraculous stuff but fixing somebody’s dots in their eyesight and have trails is impossible. Sorry just a little frustration but getting through the day is just not like ok to do it is mentally so painful like you walking with a painful concussion 365 without brakes and no perspective when it is recovering or if. I am just 22 and just want to live like a student as the rest of my friends. I want to drink alcohol and get hangovers, going on trips with them and make stupid mistakes like every 20-30 age. Want to go to school and work and just get laid hahaha but know it is impossible I can’t live with this! Maybe some people can but it is not for me...... look at my other post up here to get the full story! thankyou guys you are really cool and I hope you react to me because I don’t want to end like the 22 year old who past away because of small drug use. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacob Lesley Posted May 2, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2021 @cosmiccharlieThankyou for your reaction I appreciate it so much! If I knew you in real life you would be my friend for sure and visit you often! Just wanted to let you know how I appreciate it. Did you fully recover and be able to drink again and be yourself And not even thinking about the symptoms is this possible just fully recovered and forget you had hppd? I mean time to time think back and thought that period was a nightmare but I am just 1000% recovered and after just forget it again? If this is the truth the real truth I will go on and fight my way out of it! That is worth fighting for and it will make me 10000x stronger if I get out of this the only position that is a the only long term benefit! Iknow not a lot of things can faze me if I survive but I need to know if you 10000% recovered Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cosmiccharlie Posted May 2, 2021 Report Share Posted May 2, 2021 I have made a full recovery on more than one occasion. For me, this looked like: feeling like my old self, able to function, intelligent, outgoing... However, for me there were some lingering visuals but they became like background noise. I barely noticed them and they didn't cause any anxiety or interfere with my life in anyway. Remember, I excessively tripped (15 hits of good acid in one night for example). so long term effects are not surprising. My visuals will likely never go away. You are very young, the mind will recover just keep doing what you're doing. For me, with all my struggles I am now a productive member of society, in graduate school and getting a PhD in math. I also have a family, successful marriage and active social life. You will get all of these things and much more if you want as long as you stay positive, and not lose hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cosmiccharlie Posted May 2, 2021 Report Share Posted May 2, 2021 you can find my story here: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacob Lesley Posted May 2, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 2, 2021 @cosmiccharliemaybe a stupid question, but are you able to drink again? I want to live like a student again.. never do drugs again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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