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Starting weed after years of abstinence and HPPD recovery


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Hello everyone.  Recently I have been struggling with the idea of incorporating small doses of cannabis in my regiment to help with anxiety and to stimulate creativity and introspection.  I have been fully sober for 2.5 years off hallucinogens, weed and alcohol.  I consider myself to have made a full recovery with respect to HPPD (still lingering visuals but they are not noticeable).  I am currently under a great deal of stress and think a little weed could help calm me down.  I currently take an SSRI and have with success for about 2.5 years.  I am in a position to get a medical marijuana card for my OCD and PTSD so I wouldn't have to worry about drug dealers.  

Let me know what you guys think.  I know there's risk of course but I'm also a risk taker and a curious person.  

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  • 2 weeks later...

I can't even Imagine fully recovering, then risking it all for a bit of weed. 

There are easier ways to reduce stress... Take up a hobby, exercise etc

If you are serious about using weed to de-stress and not just an excuse to basically say "i want to get a high again"... then at least try a CBD only strain. 

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7 hours ago, Jay1 said:

I can't even Imagine fully recovering, then risking it all for a bit of weed. 

There are easier ways to reduce stress... Take up a hobby, exercise etc

If you are serious about using weed to de-stress and not just an excuse to basically say "i want to get a high again"... then at least try a CBD only strain. 

part of it is about wanting to get high again and chasing a time when weed worked for me.  Thanks for your response. 

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I smoked on and off for the past few years, have had HPPD and pretty significant visuals for 20 years.  I didn't even THINK about smoking weed until like... 15 years in.  It definitely has the potential to trigger some high anxiety, depending on how you cope with that, i mean... it's your body, your choice.  Your mind too, lol.

I started toking again because I enjoyed gigging while stoned.  But never, ever, has it felt like it used to, where it would relax me.  Actually, there were many times i'd have full blown psychosis, this was helpful in certain situations (like editing, writing, or making music) but hardly any reason for me to pick it up. 

last month i had the gall to microdose psylicibin cubensis, lol, .2 grams and i had a full lift off.  now i'm back to abstaining from pot, haven't drank in years, and taking klonopin (hopefully short term)

saw my therapist today and we start EMDR next week, and she's wants me to try transcranial magnetic stimulation.  I will try both, given the tech of the TMS device listens to me when tell them to calibrate the machine appropriately so as to not excite my visio-cortex and make my hallucinations worse.   If i get the slightest feeling they aren't paying proper attention to my needs, i will walk the fuck out. 

pot won't kill you, most psychedelics won't kill you.  but just remember if you skate on the edge, you may fall, and if you cannot lift yourself up, noone else can if you're that far out.   I think many ppl with hppd got here from living on the edge of manageable synaptic pruning. 

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8 hours ago, CrowBennett said:

I smoked on and off for the past few years, have had HPPD and pretty significant visuals for 20 years.  I didn't even THINK about smoking weed until like... 15 years in.  It definitely has the potential to trigger some high anxiety, depending on how you cope with that, i mean... it's your body, your choice.  Your mind too, lol.

I started toking again because I enjoyed gigging while stoned.  But never, ever, has it felt like it used to, where it would relax me.  Actually, there were many times i'd have full blown psychosis, this was helpful in certain situations (like editing, writing, or making music) but hardly any reason for me to pick it up. 

last month i had the gall to microdose psylicibin cubensis, lol, .2 grams and i had a full lift off.  now i'm back to abstaining from pot, haven't drank in years, and taking klonopin (hopefully short term)

saw my therapist today and we start EMDR next week, and she's wants me to try transcranial magnetic stimulation.  I will try both, given the tech of the TMS device listens to me when tell them to calibrate the machine appropriately so as to not excite my visio-cortex and make my hallucinations worse.   If i get the slightest feeling they aren't paying proper attention to my needs, i will walk the fuck out. 

pot won't kill you, most psychedelics won't kill you.  but just remember if you skate on the edge, you may fall, and if you cannot lift yourself up, noone else can if you're that far out.   I think many ppl with hppd got here from living on the edge of manageable synaptic pruning. 

Thanks for your reply man.  I too have made the decision in the past after 8 years of abstinence from hallucinogens to start dosing again, it definitely threw me off for a while but I also fell into bad habit of overdoing it.  7 mushroom trips in 7 weeks, 1 DMT oral ingestion (with MAOI of course) and a quarter tab of acid.  I have a history of making impulsive decisions and I firmly believe that's why I contracted this disorder.  Such impulses led me to ingest 15 hits of LSD at age 18, just because.  Overall my symptoms now are extremely manageable and sobriety is definitely to thank for that.  I just feel like I'm in a rut and it's possible cannabis can lift me out.  

I wish you the best of luck with the TMS, let me know how it goes.  I think it's pretty cutting edge. 

Take Care

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On 3/5/2021 at 9:04 AM, cosmiccharlie said:

part of it is about wanting to get high again and chasing a time when weed worked for me.  Thanks for your response. 

First I want to thank you for your candid honesty, as this information makes all the difference in you receiving the best advice... Let me start with a little of my background before I jump into my advice/opinion, ok so I've been using cannabis medicinally practically everyday for over 20 years now, only taking a one year break while in prison, and my 1st HPPD "symptoms" started over 15 years ago... So for me personally the cannabis use has only ever helped my HPPD situation, but my intention with using cannabis was not and is not for getting "high" by any definition of the word. So my advice to you is to continue abstaining from cannabis use so that you have time to step aside from the situation and carefully reassess your intentions for why you TRULY want to use cannabis again. Lastly and possibly most importantly it is generally not a very good idea to ever chase down the past because unfortunately no matter how you try to do it, it just never works. Instead maybe try to take the positive essence of the past and use it to inspire a better and more positive future, essentially like a stepping stone to who and how you want to be... Much love to you on your new journey friend.....

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey everyone, 

I thought i would provide an update.  Since starting the experiment, I have ingested a low dose edible on three occasions. First 2.5mg THC, second 6mg, third 6mg.  Each spaced about 1 week apart.  

I think my body is telling me to stop as the visuals have intensified (I think) and there is a little DR/DP.  I'm not sure this was a very intelligent decision but at the time I felt desperate for some type of relief.  I think I am going to go back to full sobriety.  If anyone has any questions about what happened and the experiences I am willing to chat about them.  

I am also wondering if anyone has done what I have done; more or less emotionally recovered from HPPD and tried some THC with a relapse of visuals.  I am very nervous about how long I should expect this bump in the road to last.  Crazy year, I am a math PhD student with a baby and a wonderful wife with another baby on the way.  Hindsight is always 2020 but I could use some encouragement right now to help me make it through this period.  I don't know why I felt such a strong pull back to what has harmed me, I'm not stupid but maybe insane.  Thankfully I do not feel the need to continue with this as I have in the past digging a deeper hole of despair.   

I love you guys and with you the best,

Nick 

Remember: We are all loving awareness. 

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On 3/11/2021 at 3:06 PM, GarrisHart said:

First I want to thank you for your candid honesty, as this information makes all the difference in you receiving the best advice... Let me start with a little of my background before I jump into my advice/opinion, ok so I've been using cannabis medicinally practically everyday for over 20 years now, only taking a one year break while in prison, and my 1st HPPD "symptoms" started over 15 years ago... So for me personally the cannabis use has only ever helped my HPPD situation, but my intention with using cannabis was not and is not for getting "high" by any definition of the word. So my advice to you is to continue abstaining from cannabis use so that you have time to step aside from the situation and carefully reassess your intentions for why you TRULY want to use cannabis again. Lastly and possibly most importantly it is generally not a very good idea to ever chase down the past because unfortunately no matter how you try to do it, it just never works. Instead maybe try to take the positive essence of the past and use it to inspire a better and more positive future, essentially like a stepping stone to who and how you want to be... Much love to you on your new journey friend.....

 

Thank you Garris, I really appreciate your input and sharing your experience.  Life is a long and winding road, the more we help each other the better it is.  Take care my friend.  

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I smoked some dabs which I would often use with lsd. A bit of a high off of bud is usually fine- but I got sent back into my body when I was having a bad trip where my body got distorted mentally so it felt that way. my body felt wrong no matter what I did and my muscles were twitching while it looked like I was using a fish eye lense almost. I had to have my friend hold me and distract me till I wasn’t feeling crazy anymore. I didn’t remember how to act normal or talk in a conversation like usual either, like on tabs. I get anxiety and potentially have ptsd. It was NOT worth it. I’m now scared I’ll slip into it without being high and I get scared I’ll never pop back to normal if I fall Into that without being on anything. I feel like if I focus can tune into the same feeling and I worry I’ll get stuck that way. I get wanting to be high like before.... but it’s simply not the same. For me for sure at least. It’s...really scary. I felt on the brink of total madness trying to find ways to snap out of it but they’d usually only seem like they’d make it worse. Only a single hit of dab caused it all to crash down in full.

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