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20 years ago I thought I wouldn't make it another week


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I presume that this is the same HPPDonline that existed back then.  If so, wow! what a difference 20 years makes.  I remember logging on via dial up in my totally freaked out state looking for a "cure" for this issue. 

I was searching for a book called "The Happiness Purpose" by Eduard De Bono, couldn't find it anywhere.   My HPPD was triggered by a simple joint.   I was 20 years old and I ended up buying a copy of Dianetics at my cousins suggestion.  To those of you who know, you already know what I'm about to drop.  

I got into scientology from what they call the "drug route" and did my purification rundown.   Since there was/is no cure for HPPD, I decided against the "benzos for life" approach, and went full steam ahead into scientology.  I have a whole other story about that crap.    Suffice to say, SOME of it actually worked; albeit the things that did, were standard psychology stuff + a huge ANTI-medicine stance - which I was totally cool with. 

So why am I here again? well.  I had been reading about the amazing healing coming from Micro-dosing, and I figured i'd try it out.  Honestly took me years to get the nerve up.  I took .2 grams of dried psylicibin cubensis, and you'd have thought I ate a pound.  

And of course, afterwards, it kept going.  Things are already getting better,  and thank god I waited as long as I did.  I do feel I got some benefit out of the trip, but I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT.  The thing for me has been, over all these years,  acceptance.  I'm not gonna sugar coat it for all the newly diagnosed folks here, it took me many years and lots of mistakes.  HPPD can suck, but I was able to turn it around with mindfulness, and persistence, some routines like vitamins has helped.   Drugs have helped too, after leaving Scientology I found that some drugs have helped tremendously, but as others in the forum have very clearly stated, benzos, it's CRUCIAL to not become dependent because I have gone through withdrawal recently (2019) from 4mg of clonazepam daily, with no taper.  It was actually worse than what I am experiencing now after taking ingested cubensis 😮  yep, it can be bad. 

So I'm at that spot again, but this time, there's this whole community that is extremely positive, especially considering what it was back in 2000ish.  Wow, i don't even want to comment on what was going on then.  But I feel that HPPD will become a much more widely recognized thing in the future... Because... wait for it... Mushrooms are on track to be legal.  These things do have healing potential, and while I myself am not going to be able to experience that (in my mind i already did long ago) others will, and others will likely develop these symptoms.  

When you're tripping, it's a totally different state of consciousness, then ideally, you return to your normal operating state, IDEALLY.  With those of us with HPPD, we don't, and it takes sometimes months or even years for these sensations to dissipate.   But my understanding now is that because of that, it really puts me in a special state of mind in regard to being present.  I mean, I really don't know if I'd have had the ability to sit for hours and hours in meditation and get what I consider to be stable gains from it. 

Even as I tripped last week, I was able to quickly calm it all down and just experience it and get through it with no "BAD TRIP" at all.   I think the whole "BAD TRIP" thing is quite negative and doesn't serve me well in considering HPPD.  If it's a BAD TRIP, then you're going to have a bad time, if you have HPPD, you might think of it as "tripping" and not the combination of neurological effects occurring, and thus, your life becomes one big long "BAD TRIP".   I refuse to think of it that way.  I suggest anyone who is experiencing this condition newly, should also consider it that way as well.  

I recommend abstaining from stimulants and pretty much any recreational drug.   And go easy on the benzos, they are extremely helpful, especially if you have to socialize, but the withdrawals CAN make your initial symptoms 10x-100x worse,  So practice strict disciplines with that. 

I found it fascinating one of the members here theorizes that this may be in some way, in some cases, linked to bacteria in the guts.  After my recent trip, I can say that my stomach is definitely resetting itself and is extremely picky about what I put in my body.  Certain things taste different, and I can only eat so much.  

Another thing i'd recommend is limit the amount of information about HPPD you consume daily.  It's pretty easy to get totally entrenched in the subject matter and focusing on it sometimes makes it worse.  Also, one thing I learned to do is to "confront" the hallucinations from time to time, what this means is simply don't fight it, and let it get NASTY on you, and more often than not, it only get's so bad, and you can count that as a major success as it's not going to defeat you.   

As far as the suicidal stuff, yeah in the early days of this, that was my go to solution.  It was actually that train of thinking that got me into a dianetics center (also NOT RECOMMENDED), at a certain point, it will probably serve you better to ACCEPT this as something you will have to deal with.  Think of all the people with other life altering disabilities.  Think of brain injuries, sometimes brains get physically damaged and people live with all sorts of "features" like we have, PLUS they cannot walk, or cannot speak, or, or, or.  Think of how incredibly fortunate you are, remember that it can always be worse.  

I could go on for hours, but I figure an introduction was a good start.   I'm incredibly hopeful now more than ever because of the legalization of psychedelic mushrooms that HPPD will get some traction in the future.  And this community looks like it's already hit the ground running on awareness.  Which is another thing that has vastly improved in the last 20 years, compassion for people with different issues.   We're not just burnout druggies anymore it seems.  or PermaFried as it used to be called.  

To those that are new to this condition, I want to tell you that I personally believe in you.  You can continue to survive. 

❤️ 

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