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4 years and 6 months in


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Hey everyone, how has everyone been? just incase because i never stated it, i was formerly known as originally on here, but i’ve gone by zam for a long time now. anyways, i’ve had hppd since i was 16, got it summer of 2016. it feels like ages ago that i first noticed my symptoms. going to school and seeing patterns im the roads and lights remaining in my vision for minutes at a time. now lights stay for less than 30 seconds. i remember back then wanting to kill myself, filled with so much regret and anger at myself. feeling like life had lost all it’s meaning because i couldn’t look at the blue sky and just see that, a blue sky. instead seeing all my white blood cells and static covering everything. feeling like i wasn’t real, feeling like everyone around me wasn’t real. this uncanny feeling of everything being made of plastic. i now don’t suffer nearly as much as i did back then, and i am so thankful for that. but i now deal with what feels like schizophrenia (undiagnosed). hearing voices when i’m tired, mistaking figures for people with faces. to say the least life got harder even though my hppd got better. i don’t say all this to demotivate or say it’s impossible. i truly feel happy sometimes, but it’s so fleeting and far between that it almost doesn’t feel worth it. love you guys and thank you for being there for me when i was a 16 year old kid. 


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