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UPDATE: 7 Years On


wooshka
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Hi all,

I was a part of this community many years ago as a wee lad when my symptoms first began to settle. I thought I'd login to post an update as to the current mental state I'm in, what recovery (as good as can be) is like, and what you can expect if you're relatively new to HPPD.
I first had HPPD symptoms after taking a one-time dose of mushrooms, I believe around 2 grams; the initial trip went fine, in-fact it was quite a lot of fun. After coming down, I didn't feel normal.. I felt strange, odd, different, but couldn't pinpoint what it was. It was like something had clicked, snapped, broken, or unhinged and my feeling and grasp of reality was stirred too far up the side of the pan and began to spill over the edges. I believe this was depersonalization, or derealization, to this day I can't pinpoint which one exactly because it waxed and waned. Nevertheless, in the span of a few days, visual symptoms began. These ranged from mild visual snow, trails behind lights, ghosting, flashing purple lights which would dance and radiate over streets in the night, a melting or waving effect to some surfaces, slow rotations etc. All very abnormal for my young self. These symptoms stayed gradual and stayed persistent for quite some time.

I only realized what was wrong after my brother had similar effects after he dabbled in mushrooms, but his went away, and so did his friends. That's when they told me what they think it could be: HPPD! I was gobsmacked, I was scareeeeeeeeeeeeeed. I was worried that I was brain damaged forever, and it all felt very doom and gloom. I came to HPPDonline, and read. I read a LOT. I obsessed over getting this terrible shit to go away, to leave, to evaporate from me, to disperse at once before I hung up the phone. Reading positive stories was the only thing that helped, the only thing other than family and friends. I took a lot of downers such as valium, clonzepam, klonopin to ease the anxiety, but in hindsight, all these did was make my DP/DR worse afterwards. Now, my HPPD symptoms were nowhere near as bad as some stories that have been through this forums - so this is all very subjective to me and my experience. I tip my hat to David S for continuing this service, for he has helped many many people, and most likely saved lives by projecting this issue into the world.

These symptoms stayed and bothered me for 6 years give or take, when gradually I became tired of worrying, tired of stressing, tired of guillotining myself over what has happened. Now here we are, in 2020, my symptoms are present, but ONLY if I concentrate on them, only if I allow them to bother me. Sure, I do notice them, no they don't scare me any longer, but I have accepted them for what they are. I've used a lot of tactics, such as "omg I'm a wizard that can see forces that aren't there!!" or, "it could be worse" or, "you can atleast still see", what I'm getting at is, it could be a lot worse than what it is now, to any degree. But it will subside (or at-least appear to, whether or not you stop noticing it, or there is a remission of symptoms) things will get better, mentally and physically, for you, for people helping you, and for the whole thing. It will take time, some symptoms will vanish, some may not. But you will be ok. You WILL feel relatively normal again, there will be moments where you absolutely forget everything about HPPD. And these moments will happen sporadically, some may last longer than others, but for me, time is the only thing that has helped. Don't do anymore drugs, take it easy on alcohol, try not to express your concerns to people that don't understand, you may worry them, scare them, or just annoy them. Take a break from HPPDonline, take a break from reading and fake it until you make it. Which you will :)

Lots of love,

J.

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