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Hi, long time lurker, sharing my story + questions


jdacosta
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I developped HPPD last year during a rave. Took way too much exctasy, 1 speed + 4 E total in 12 hours (I was a regular roller, something like 1x/2weeks so I started to need a little more for a good buzz(4E was overkill and stupid).

I'm a non-smoker, and I was new to the rave scene, popped my first chemical drug ever like 3 months before that overdose. So, no prior experience at all.

I dont really know what actually happened, when my 4th pill kicked in, it was like i wasn't touching the ground, i couldn't control my body but my mind was all present(I could hear my girlfriend screaming for help..). Then I started shaking from everywhere just like an epilepsy attack for 20 seconds. Then it stopped, and I felt fine or more like high as fuck

(like nothing ever happened) and I kept partying until the end.

Next morning, nothing special, usual hangover from the speed.

The day after, heard voices in my head while trying to sleep, happened only once.

Then, I was fine for a week, 0 effects, like nothing happened, and suddenly... panic attacks, anxiety attacks, static, visual, waking up in the middle of the night out or breath, feeling like im outside my body.

I couldnt drive, go to public place, watch TV, read books, etc.. worst period of my life

It tooks 4-5 months for the panic, anxiety, dr, halos to go away. Since September, I only have some visuals and they only get worse when I lack sleep or before my exam sessions, but its very bearable and I learned to live with it.

I get drunk maybe once a week and I dont have any problems, even when I drink a lot and have the worst hangovers the next morning.

That's about it for my story, I consider it a recovery since I can do everything I was doing before (except drugs :D)

And that brings me to my next question:

I'm still in the rave scene, EDM music means a lot to my life, and I still want to attend raves. I tried sober rave, and it was nice but the feeling wasnt the same. I dont want to take any speed or mdma (I might consider small dose of pure MDMA if anyone has experienced it).

I'm considering:

1. Going for caffeine pills, maybe 3x 200mg and party from 11:30pm to 10am

2. small dose of pure mdma (not sure about that)

3. green pills ( http://greenpartypills.com/ )

the safest bet for me would be the caffeine pills, but I dont think it would be enough.

the green pills sounds great, but I dont know if they'll make HPPD worse since they give same effect than speed/MDMA.

don't really wanna go mdma route, but if someone tried a small dose and only made HPPD not that much worse, I'd give it a shot since my symptoms arent that bad at all.

(Of course, I'm aware it's taking a huge risk and that I should never roll again, but if I get lots of replies saying very small dose of pure MDMA had no after effects, i'd give it a shot)

Need some advices on high cafeine intake, green pills, experience with small doses of pure MDMA

Thank you for reading :)

Jonathan

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I beg to differ. I've rolled a few times since I developed HPPD, 2 of those times my HPPD was much worse afterwards and once it wasn't affected. The times that made it worse I was taking speed based pills and the time it was left unaffected I was taking near pure MDMA.

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Speed is an awful drug... The anxiety and paranoia is severve when taking it with hppd. I'd honestly rather do lsd than speed... if a gun were held to my head.

If you really have to do drugs... I'd probably go with very small lines of coke throughout the rave and maybe a few beers to relax. Not the best advice i'll ever give on here.... But it seems like the one party drug that doesn't affect too many hppders.

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Thanks for telling your story. It seems like most people who recover never post about it. It's good to give people who are new to hppd hope that they can recover because almost all of the stories on here dont end so happily. The ones that do usually aren't posted.

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after speaking with friends and all, I'll just end up going on caffeine pills and I'll try to sleep the whole day before, not taking any chances.

giving more info on my "recovery":

At the begining, I thought I was epileptic (for the first 2-3 months) (because of my shaking at the rave, with no side-effects after), so everytime I had visuals problem, I was anxious of having an epilepsy attack, which caused even more visuals problem. After 1 EEG and 1 sleep deprived EEG, my results were not normal but they could see that I wasnt epileptic

A neurologist suggested me Risperidone, so I took risperdal for 2 weeks, I was a dead zombie, with no libido/emotions, and even if I was doing better with visuals, It caused more bad than good, but atleast, I wasnt affraid of being epileptic anymore

So I stopped taking it, and it's getting better with time since that day

I gym 5-6 times/week + multivitamins and fish oils everyday and I read a lot on self-help, self-esteem, self-confidence, social skills, etc

IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD, just accept it

that was the hardest part for me, why is it happening to me ?? It was only like my 9-10th time rolling, I go to university, gym daily, eat clean, had an healthy and active life, never stressed, total control on my life with career objectives

And suddenly... HPPD

Thought I was gonna end up with a jacked between 4 white walls

So, I just had to accept my state and start living with it and make it better

I started fighting my fears (going to public places, clubs, driving with sun and shadows, wattching tv with not much light and things were getting better with time

I didn't tell anyone except my girlfriend and some close friends, (told my parents everything was due to stress only)

Note that it's been 11 months since my ecstasy overdose

I'm almost back to normal, slight visuals when I wake up, or when I got to sleep, or when I'm in a room with a bright white light (tubes)

Also have couple of flashbacks when I'm stressed with midterms exams or when I lack sleep but i'm used to it

Seems like our natural reflex is to fear and stress about the visuals, just have to accept it and act like we're just lucky to experience these visual changes and learn to "appreciate" them

TLDR: go to the gym, eat clean, vitamins and fish-oils, read books on self-help, be patient

IT CANNOT GET WORSE, only gets better if you threat your body like it should be

if you have any questions/comments, feel free :)

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