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2 Year HPPD Report !


dayum_son
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This magnificent disorder has been introduced to me around the end of 2017.

I took throughout my "psychonaut" part of life 4-5 tabs of LSD. These didn't trigger any HPPD. The disorder kicked in once I started microdosing. I have probably microdosed around 5 times, not more than once per week. Now, we could debate about how bad it was for my brain to microdose but the real issue was the weed + microdose mix.

Since microdosing boosts your brain to unimaginable levels (I have ADHD as well), it was difficult to sleep each day I'd microdose. To ease myself into sleep, I'd smoke a joint, usually from a strain that was 15-20% THC. After 2-3 microdose + weed mixes, I started to notice Visual Snow and small tracers when under the effect of THC. I thought it was cool and part of the microdose, didn't think much about it.

Between the 4th and 5th microdose, I noticed that the Visual Snow and tracers would not go away, they would be there 24/7. Again, didn't think much of it since, well, I was taking many drugs, partying, and quite often.

Last microdose, the visuals (no THC involved yet) started to freak me out and thought they just could not be normal since the dose of LSD I was ingesting was under the threshold dosage. But because I was an idiot back then, I still smoked the usual joint in the evening after the microdose. Visual Snow was VERY strong, it was broadband and pulsating as well. Since that day, I decided to stay sober. But the visuals stayed.

The symptoms at first worsened, partly because the visuals were getting objectively worse, partly because I was obviously obsessing over them. Then they have stabilized and never really changed in intensity, maybe slightly worse for some visuals and slightly better for others.

So what's going on with my vision as of today ? After-images, VS, bad night vision (well, bad daytime vision as well 😂), tracers though not very noticeable, among the other typical HPPD visual symptoms. The one that appeared much later than the other ones is what I'd call bouncy vision. It only happens when I'm calmly sitting reading a book or looking at my computer screen, suddenly my vision would bounce up and down rapidly just as if my eyes were looking up and down uncontrollably.

Visuals aside, how's it going psychologically wise ? Not too bad. Mind you, I never had huge anxiety or DP/DR, only mild anxiety during the first year or so. It took a good year to stop obsessing over the whole story and to get (partially) rid of the guilt. I still think about HPPD all day every day and will probably for the rest of my life since the visuals are distracting.

I consider myself lucky since I view my HPPD as pretty mild compared to reports from other members on this forum. I am also very resistant psychologically. I do not plan to seek medical help, doctors here usually just want to make a profit off the drugs they prescribe and do not really care about the patient's well being. I'm pretty sure most of the members here can relate to this.

I have to confess, I did use a moderate amount of drugs even when affected by HPPD, and I have to say, it usually comes back to baseline after a few days. Still, not a reason to abuse drugs or alcohol.

So what's next ? Party only a few times a year, no drugs except alcohol and cigarettes when out partying, get a reasonable amount of sleep, and go for a jog every now and then. I will look for a new job since the company I work for is making me go crazy and this actually increases my symptoms. Recently redeveloped OCD and hardcore ADHD because of the stress I endure in this place. The OCD + ADHD symptoms sort of vanished a few years ago but are now back stronger than ever. I should also start looking for a girlfriend since I spend most of my time alone. Even though I like this way of life, I realized it cannot be a good way to carry on with stuff.

There's still a long way to go, but I believe that with some good will as well as with future experiences in life, things can only go for the better. Even if one day the disorder leaves my brain, I will always stand beside this wonderful community that, quite frankly, didn't deserve all of this. I wouldn't wish HPPD to anyone, even on my worst enemies.

I wish everyone the best. Never give up !

 

P.S.: English is not my mother tongue and it's currently almost 3AM here, so do not mind ze somtims wierd inglish :p.

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