hppd is a bitch sometimes

[JasonH]

I guess first things first, My names Jason and im pretty damn positive i have hppd.

a little background on me, i am 23. I still go out and do things sometimes, just not as much. i work at a lumber mill and usually keeps me distracted, and i am currently not on any medications and dont plan on being on any.

ill try to keep it short and sweet but i want to get involved in the community considering ive been reading posts on here for the past month and you all have helped me greatly with coming to terms with living with this condition. probably about a year ago i was on a acid binge dropping two times a weak as well as taking ecstasy once in a while, i would say my highest dosage would have been about 10g of shrooms and two tabs of acid at once and lemme tell you that was an experience. granted its something that ive never wanted to do again, my binge lasted approximately 3 months and ended december of 2017. life was great for me after that i never noticed any symptoms that i can recall until about two months ago where i got this terrible brain fog and horrible fatigue and that lasted about three weeks straight and somewhere in the middle of that i started getting trails in my vision, light became a lot more bright you could say, i dont see auras around people like others but when i look at like a light bulb it seems just a lot brighter with a fiery shaped halo around it, but i kinda see the beauty in it. i do see after images once in a while, usually when looking at a lit sceen for too long or a picture on a wall, not very distracting but at times it can just pull all my focus when i notice it. lately ive been feeling just an odd kinda, light headed/ disoriented feeling in my head (especially when standing up), and not to mention it can be a bitch and a half to focus on one thing for to long (like reading text on my phone or a computer; sorry for the long introduction ) the one thing that still trips me out a bit is when i make a fist of my hand i see just a 1 sec after image of my fingers that are somewhat translucent but i know thats just apart of the the trails in my vision that i see. visual snow is almost non existent, it pitch black theirs like a 5% visibly noticeable snow but definitely not something that grabs my attention. 

at first i thought i was going crazy, but i kinda had an idea what was behind it cause ive always been worried my reckless use of acid and such would come back to haunt me, and man it hit me like a brick wall covered in spikes. i had thoughts of suicide and sometimes what i see doesnt always click in my head cause it doesnt really seem like its real, but that has sorta gone away after a month of realizing i had it along with the immense fatigue and brain fog that was accompanied by mental confusion. all in all im struggling but im also coping at the same time, ive always been fairly good with being able to calm myself through breathing and meditation due to anger issues in the past (ironically i dont get angry anymore since the symptoms really kicked in), i only really had one panic attack and i was able to pull myself out of it within minutes so id say im fairly lucky cause that was an awful experience.

so probably the worst things are my heart rate always seems to spike and when it does i can usually calm down but it stays a bit higher than usual, and the disoriented sensation thats a constant but ive stopped drinking all together as soon as i figured it was hppd, i havent smoked weed 9 months (its weird i smoked after i quit acid, and my high never felt any different than it did before i did acid and shrooms). the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around was this is how my life is forever but i try not to focus on that and just accept it, and also why is it that my symptoms just started a month ago when i havent any drugs other than alcohol in over a year (i did take 1 ambien 5mg, about 2 months ago) maybe ive always just had it ever so mild and never realized it, but thats my story and im glad to have found this page with members who are just here to help others and to talk to, no one knows ive been dealing with this and i dont plan on telling anyone so for me being able to talk with you guys when i really need help with it or to help others would definitely help me get through some rough times ahead.

[JasonH]

i also want to know if anyone else kinda has gon through the same as me and tips and tricks, certain things to do to help with the condition

[MadDoc]

Hi Jason, it sounds like you have a good attitude.  That goes a long way in helping one be well.  You're also avoiding psychedelics and weed, that is another important step to getting well.  You mentioned how your heart rate spikes.  I dealt with that for a solid decade.  You're practicing meditation.  Stick with it!  I used to have panic attacks until my doctor sent me to meditation training at a local teaching hospital.  It's powerful medicine if you practice.  It takes time for the deeper benefits to kick in, but it leveled me out.  I practice daily anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes daily, rain or shine.  The other thing that helped me was throwing myself into life.  Going to school, raising kids, my profession, hobbies, etc.  Keep busy, keep focused, keep moving.  Perhaps it's worth mentioning, I've never taken prescription medication to treat hppd.  I realize medication helps many people in this forum so I'm not knocking it.  It just wasn't my path I guess.  That, and few doctors had ever heard of this disorder during 80s or 90s.

I'm an old guy who took a truck load of psychedelics when I was a kid.  I stopped when I turned 20 after 6 years of heavy use.  Life can be wonderful even with this disorder.  Don't let it define you.  Perhaps that's easy for me to say after all the decades I've had to get used to hppd.

You mentioned "life is forever".  It goes by in a flash.  Either that or it just seems that way as the decades tick by.  To me, it's gone by fast!

I hope what I've written is at least somewhat coherent.  Take care.

Edited November 17, 2018 by MadDoc
Foolish typing

[JasonH]

Thank you for the reply, sounds bad but know there are others going to similar things kinda help mellow me out at time knowing that you can still live a good life. I’d say the only thing that gets in the way for me is I feel like I zone out a lot and staying focused is impossible sometimes, also over the past few days my tracers have gotten worse and sometimes I start thinking like what if they keep getting so bad that it’ll leave me blind, idk if there’s been cases like that but that’s probably the one thing that I hope stops progressing. Before it was choppy sorta like a short after image but now is a smooth, blurred dragged/trace motion like when I move my arm up and down or set a glass down. I’m just hope I’m not passed the point of improvement seeing how it’s been a year since my last lsd trip and they only just recently started about a mo th ago. Any thoughts?

[jbalsa2]

Hi Jason,

By the sounds of what your describing, if you don't have hugely noticeable visual snow or static, I don't actually think your HPPD is LSD induced. LSD induced HPPD seems to have a very characterized set of symptoms. Now not to say that you don't have HPPD, but your symptoms sound more along the line of mushroom or mdma induced HPPD.

I can't totally say that this is good news, but from what i've read people with MDMA and mushroom induced HPPD have much higher recovery rates compared to those with LSD induced HPPD.

My advice - don't take any more drugs of any kind, and keep yourself busy - i'd be willing to bet with the severity of your symptoms, you could make a full recovery in *give or take* 2 years.

[JasonH]

I can tell (at night mostly) that right now the static is very mild and and sometimes it can be worse and other times not so bad, but even at its worst it doesn’t really unpair my vision, although along with the stupid ass tracers my eye sight had gotten quite blurry but my glasses prescription has stayed the same so I assume it’s just an effect of the hppd. Considering most of my day I’m tired and it’s very difficult to stay focused I hope it does go away, I know it’ll take time, it’s just the not being able to focus and always feeling like I’m like way deep into my Brain and thoughts making it hard to function. I appreciate all of the replies!