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Just some support after a particularly hard few days. HPPD since 2011


justhere
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Hi,

I don't really know how to start. Here goes nothin'. I developed HPPD after an incredibly intense LSD trip in fall 2011. It was the first and last time I had ever done acid. If my memory serves me correctly I didn't notice the symptoms, such as bright road signs trailing a bit at night, until a few months later. I was 21. Pretty soon I had a lot of panic attacks and found it difficult to get to sleep (just like the night I thought I'd never come down from acid). I had lost the ability to hold an image in my head in kind of a stable manner-they just wiz around like little 'movies'. I saw visual snow and developed floaters as well. dp/dr didn't seem to happen often but it did occasionally. I don't remember how I coped (besides reading that Wikihow article) but in a matter of time I felt fine again and was able to accept the visual distortions. In fact I've gone years (or at least a span of many many months) without even thinking about HPPD. Until now. All of the sudden I am experiencing intense dp/dr and daytime visual noise seems more noticeable-not to mention looking at a computer screen feels a bit 'different' (lazy word choice  I know). What I think triggered all of this is I had been worrying about viewing the eclipse, afraid even with the glasses it could someone make my vision worse. I even remember Sunday thinking I shouldn't look at all just in case. Well I looked and then I immediately checked and of course now I've had a very intense week. I am afraid looking at the eclipse permanently made my HPPD worse. Some stress factors: I am moving in two days moving into a room in a new city and starting a new job and that's certainly anxiety inducing for me. Other notes: I started an ssri on Sunday and felt 'off' and I know it's the dp/dr feeling but it went away. I just wanted to put myself out there and see if anyone has any advice or words of encouragement. I don't do any recreational drugs tho I have been a weekend drinker for years-I'm currently cutting everything out. 

 

Thanks

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I think it's the stress of going to a new environment my dude, if you looked bare at the eclipse then your vision would get worse. I think it's just the stress you're feeling, also you're taking an ssri which in this community is a no go. Most people report bad reactions. Try going off the ssri and go natural

Edited by Originally
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Thanks for your suggestion. I guess my anxiety about the eclipse (and then trying to see if my vision was altered) + the ssri really did a number. I woke up today feeling intensely "altered" and still feel it and usually it goes away. I didn't think an ssri would have a reaction so quickly. I'm gonna keep on keeping on as they say and report back if anything changes. Thanks again

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Us humans have ups and downs.  I know people who don't use drugs who sometimes say "Man, I feel spaced out today".  It sounds like you're going through a stressful time.  A new job in a new city would produce a heap of adrenaline in anyone.  The stress will subside once you're into a routine. 

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Let me be more specific. I developed hppd six years ago. Visual snow, mostly at night or staring a blank walls, CEVs, car lights were blurry, floaters. I think it came on a few months after my one, pretty stressful, lsd trip. At first I was terriefied but in weeks I came to accept it and didn't notice it (I know I'm repeating myself) it never really went away all these years but I hardly noticed it and even embraced it through song writing. This Sunday I took an ssri I have taken before and four hours later felt "off" quite like a depersonalized state I've experienced a few times during panic attacks. I had also been worrying about my HPPD by looking at the eclipse (even though of course I wore the proper protective glasses) immediately after looking for three seconds I felt like one eye felt funny and kept checking if the static was more pronounced, constantly questioning my environment if it looked "right" (my baseline). I did this Tuesday as well and then took my second 10 mg Paxil (as I've taken them before). The next day, Wednesday, I kept checking my environment and it did seem a little trippier. I started feeling a little dreamy and tried to come down and tried to get to bed early only to wake at 2 from a horrible dream-my legs were shaking and I vomited. Thursday I woke up with an ache where my skull meets my neck and a fullness in my head and my eyes more sensitive to light (nausea now). I also felt drugged of in a constant dream state. Now three days later I'm still there: neck ache has as of now subsided but all my memories and prior life feel like a dream. People seem real still but nothing has any meaning and I can't feel anything and have to "fake it". Music does nothing, jokes etc. I'm working on acceptance and also adopting a healthy active lifestyle but the lack of affect and feeling like I have no self is horrifying. I just want to know if this has ever happened to any of you and if it has ever subsided and you felt like your old self (or at least resonated with your old life story)

 

thanks for for the support 

 

truly 

 

 

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I've never taken an ssri, but if I started taking a medication and not long after I vomited, I'd go back to the doctor and say "listen you quack, what's the deal?".  Man, it sounds like you're having a tough time.  I don't want to minimize what you're dealing with in any way.

As for the eclipse ... I have visuals 24/7.  Needless to say I fried my coconut back in the day.  I watched the eclipse from 9000+ feet in the rocky mountains.  My visuals aren't any worse for it.  I don't think the moon or the sun are to blame.  At least I hope so!

I know what I've said is probably not very helpful.  What helped me is staying as focused as possible.  That includes my profession, my hobbies, and my kids.  When I'm focused the visuals take a back seat.

Take care.  I hope things are working out for you.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On ‎27‎/‎08‎/‎2017 at 3:08 PM, justhere said:

I really appreciate the advice. Right now the worse part is the dp/dr-I can remember my life but it's like I have no relationship to it. It all feels fake. I've only experienced this during panic attacks and now it's been 24/7. It all feels unreal. 

Dude I can totally relate to everything you just said, I sort of feel like looking out into the world now is like seeing reflections rather than anything made of flesh. The problem is that in my experience no amount of dwelling on the "realness" of everything helps, if anything it just pushes me further into myself and the more I project my irrational delusions about it all onto it. That being said I'm yet to find a way to stop thinking about the symptoms. I wish you all the best, you are not alone.

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  • 2 weeks later...

DP still going strong. I had no idea an ssri, one that I had taken only half a year ago with no problems, could do this. If I view the DP as a symptom of anxiety/stress (I have been diagnosed with Pure O OCD) I feel like I can cope and work towards recovery. If the pill permanently put me in this state I don't know what to do. I have experienced episodic bouts of DP in the past-but never long lasting. I could care less about visuals etc. I've had that all for years and can basically tune it out. Ironically before I took the SSRI-I was worried about HPPD getting worse and kept monitoring my environment to check. This is one big clusterfuck. If it weren't for my undying sense humor I'd be lost. Thanks for all the replies BTW-good to reach out.

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Thanks. It just seems so frustratingly odd...I developed HPPD almost six years ago to the date. At the beginning I was beside myself in terror-but I was prescribed abilify and an ssri I can't remember and started to habituate. To be honest-maybe the rx at the time did nothing but since I had no dp/dr I just accepted my new normal. I stay on ssri off and on (for long stretches) over the years with no changes and even some anxiety relief. I go off Paxil in February as I feel I no longer need it. Summer was beyond stressful so I decide, quite begrudgingly to go on the 10 mg Paxil again. It's almost like I downregulated too many 5ht2a receptors and now my baseline is this dp state for good. Odd I've often gotten this after falling asleep at least three other times. This time it stuck and I don't know why. Well that's my sob story folks. End.

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