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Here's my ppd story ( sorry for grammar )


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Hello to all. Im writing here but this is probably the only place that I could relate to tbh.. i have been living with ppd since the age of 13 with no prior use of drugs. It could've been longer but I didn't really "notice" it til then.. but I always remember when I was 4.. at night before bed I saw like a weird transparent pretzel shape thing in the dark growing in my vision then disappearing, and I'd always see swarms of like little dots and I'd play with it with my eyes until I fell asleep.


Those never bothered me and I either got used to it or it stopped happening.. but I didn't notice anything of that sort until I was 13. That's when I started noticing visual snow, starbursts, wallpaper like patterns in my peripheral, flashing lights, halos, closed eye visuals, colors with unknown shapes and patterns.. they didn't all come at once but after seeing the VS I noticed more and more as I kept focusing on them. I was also having weird eye problems like shiny specs of light flashing everywhere .. so I thought hmm maybe I'm going blind? I didn't know what the hell to think.. but I thought I was on to something.. I told my mom about the things I'd seen and she was really concerned. She took me to multiple doctors and I even got an MRI but they didn't find anything abnormal in my brain.. so they referred me to a mental help specialist. 


My mom decided not to take me there though. She said they were trying to tell me I'm crazy and she told me whatever it is that I have going on I had to find a way to deal with it. At first, I was miserable. So miserable I'd stay home from school and cry all day. I'd shower 3 times a day because I found that the visuals weren't so bad if I watched the water. At school, I'd leave class to go to the guidance counselor and cry because I couldn't take it sometimes. It was literally tearing me apart. 


Now that I'm 21 it doesn't really bother me as much ad before. I kind of got used to it, but sometimes it's annoying. Like when I'm trying to watch tv and I can't because all the colors on the screen really start to fuck with my sensory and my whole vision field is covered in light visual madness. Also, at night when I want to sleep I keep lights in because when it's dark, my vision just starts going green.. literally. Thsts the most annoying thing because it doesn't stop unless I expose my eyes to some bright light.. and every morning when I wake up, all the visuals are vivid for about 3 mins then it's back to the regular "behind the scenes" state.. 


There is a few positives tho.. I remember on Valentine's Day I took a nap, and when I woke up I saw what looked like hearts in my peripheral vision but it faded shortly after. Also, sometimes when I smoke really dank weed or smoke dabs, I could subconsciously manifest almost faint pictures of cartoons I loved like hey Arnold and the power puff girls specifically. When I told people this though no one believed me, so i just stopped talking about it and now here I am.. with ppl who might understand what I'm going through. I'm glad I've found you all

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  • 1 month later...

I feel like the replies he wanted weren't the ones he got, he was expecting sympathy but got advice. I feel you dude and if you read this, just know when I don't sleep, I imagine noises when I try to sleep. So visual to auditory, big difference but I relate. 

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