By Marco S
My name is Marco, I am a 21 year old student living in Mexico. I'd like to tell you my story, my toughts towards HPPD and the lessons I've learnt from this experience.
I developed HPPD on January 2021. I was throught a bad emotional moment, due to the pandemic and a broken relationship. Since august 2020 I had decided to try LSD so I did it with a couple of friends. I did it twice, both times in parties and drinking alcohol. having as a result pretty mild experiences. I've never really been into drugs: I'd tried weed before, a couple of times, also in social situations, but I was never a regular consumer. Then on October me and one of my best friends had mushrooms, which were actually very strong. I did not enjoy it at all, but nothing bad happened after that time.
Then, at the beginning of this year, I bought acid and made the decision to have an LSD trip for the first time without alcohol or any other distraction. In fact I don't know if it was LSD or something else -based on the research I've been into these recent months it could've been N-BOME.- and had a horryfing bad trip, with lots of negativity and hopeless thoughts. The upcoming day everything changed. I almost had no sleep after the trip, as I was heading home from a holiday, and all the hallucination symptons remained more that two days. I almost had a panich attack and I had to tell my parents the situation as I thought I really needed to see a doctor or go to the hospital. Fortunately I was able to calm down and had some sleep after 36 hours.
Since then I'm on this journey. I talked with some of my friends about my syptoms but everyone told me the same: they were normal, LSD may have some flashbacks and that it was nothing I should worry about. But the weeks passed and I was not feeling any better, but the opposite. Since my university classes are online now due the pandemic, I got a job on a hostal near the beach in Mexico. My plan was to travel the country as the school allowed me to take the remote classes wherever I was. My departure was scheduled one week after the LSD trip, so I almost decided to cancel it and to stay home. But finally I decided to travel anyway and here's wher I am right now.
I must say some of my symptoms have improved a little since this started. But some have worsen at moments. Generaly I feel better than two months ago. February and March were definitely the worst period for me. I barely could not concentrate on my classes and tasks. I was drinking a lot, so I felt bad all day long. I had terrible headaches and pain in the eyes. My visuals were strong and the braing fog affected the way I talked and some of my daily activities. I decided to implement some changes on my lifestylle and they have helped me to feel better. I quited coffee and alcohol, and of course any kind of drugs. I have as much sleep as I can and I am trying also to eat healthier and to drink lots of water. It was hard for me to work out at the beginning but now I attempt to take a run three or four days a week.
Anyway I don't feel capable to do some of the stuff I enjoyed the most before this started. I used to read a lot and now it is hard for me to concentrate, and it is painful actually to read. I used to play chess, to participate in forums. I wrote for a newspaper and had a radio show. I am aware that some of this activities are hard for me now because I've lost some confidence on myself. And also anxiety makes it way worse. I've realized that when I've been capable to lower my anxiety everything feels so much better.
Traveling has been fun, but I haven't feel able to enjoy it a hundred percent. Now I am coming back home so I will experience again how it feels to have a routine and be more calmed as I won't have to work anymore and I'll have some time to rest, eat healthier and work out. I am not closed to the idea of seeing a doctor, but honestly with everything I've read about the condition I am not hopeful either. HPPD has taught me a lot about patience. I don't know if I'm ever gonna fully recover from this, but the only way I'll find out is with time. Taking one step at a time and working everday for my wellness and health.
My hope is far to be over. I am a resiliant person and I've faced pretty hard challenges during my life. I try to see HPPD as another challenge life had for me. Of course it makes life so much harder, but also it feels right to notice I've been four months now with this, and yet I've managed to keep studiyng an International Relations bachelor in one of he most demanding universities in my country, to work in some of the most beautiful and touristic places in the world, made dozens of great friends from all over the world, worked as a High School english teacher, and discovered amazing spots with amazing people, enjoying the craziest adventures.
Of course it hurts, of course it's hard, unconfortable, demanding, painful and discouraging. But I am not letting HPPD ruin my plans, goals, objectives and dreams. I'll force myself to be a more empathetic, healthy, honest and transparent human being. And also to help others and understand other people's problems. I really have to thank everyone on this forum. It has helped me a lot to understand more about this condition, the way I can live with this, and a source of inspiration and aid in some of my lowest moments.
Greetings to everyone, if you have some recommendations, tips, or you just want to have a conversation feel free to send me a message, I'd love to meet you all.
Hi there. I've had HPPD since I was about 19... so going on 16 years now. I won't get into all the details but what I'm wondering is if anyone has resolved, or read about someone who resolved their Blue Field Entoptic Phenomenon (BFEP)? This is probably one of my most annoying symptoms and is prevalent on any large bright surface. Central vision and peripheral.
Any feedback would be much appreciated.
I have engaged in many many binge drinking episodes over the last decade or so and began to suffer panic attacks during withdrawal as a result. Hypersensitive receptors? Maybe.
I developed HPPD with comorbid DP/DR in 2005 so have a feeling that all of the negative psychological symptoms are linked to this neurological disorder.
I have tried SSRIs which did naught to help my psychological problems whilst increasing my visual symptoms and am currently on lamictal (100mg) for five weeks which doesn't seem to be demonstrating much efficacy thus far.
I have been reading about the damage binge drinking can cause to our NMDA/R and am wondering if the NMDA/R might also be linked to my HPPD/DP/DR.
I also suffer from trichotillomania if that is relevant at all.
Would TMS be useful if the NMDA is implicated in what ails me? TMS on the PFC of perhaps another area of the brain?
I know positive thinking/acceptance/exercise etc. are very useful at helping on live with this conditions but really think I need the expertise of a neurologist/psychiatrist to truly make somewhat of a recovery from these disorders.
Thanks for all of your help and thank you for reading.
Im totally aware I do this but now my kids ( well, my youngest kid! ) has noticed and this has turned into family ' lets poke fun at Dad' thing - if only they knew the cause!! Hah! :-$
So, anyway, I have a really weird thing, and I quantify if my thinking, if I touch things 'they will be ok and won't start moving again', i.e., start tripping again! I mean, when I'm in the car, I regularly flick/tap the windscreen with my nail on my middle finger, sitting at home I do the same on tables if I'm walking past a wall to the wall, even lying in bed, ill often reach out and trap the wall, also to make sure its all still 'there'!!! My daughter says I often tap my self too, usually on the forehead, I mean, wtf!!! LOL
Sometime I STILL have that sinking feeling when you are falling deep into trip, that horrible feeling in your mouth too, and wake up sweating and tap the wall to make sure everything is all right!
Crazy I know, and note, I'm 27 years into living with HPPD so am pretty long in the tooth, and honestly, since joining this forum, completely at terms with it knowing I am not insane, or crazy, or on an endless trip ( even tho I think I am to an extent ) or the only guy in the world to have had 'this' happen to him!
Anyway, just one of my MANY brain bending quirks I have after many years of abuse! Double note, 8 years drug ( coke ) free, 20 years Acid and 'E' free. Still enjoy alcohol, and caffeine, and I must confess, taking Vallium on a few long haul flights recently was pure bliss, although also reminded me of some dark times during the 'downers years'!!!
Anyway, anyway. maybe its just me, thought id throw it our there anyways!