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New to the form and I would like some insight into my hppd

Alex C

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I'm new to this forum and have only spent a couple of hours reading through it.

I have had mental health problems as long as I remember but it has never been diagnosed. So it's not definite but the family doctor, past psychiatrists, and my school nurse have all thought that I suffer from anxiety and depression, and I believe so too.

all of my symptoms make me feel ver depressed and anxious, and like my life is hopeless and I can't live like everyone else.

i have used 25i-nbome twice, the first time was fine but the second time I had a very bad trip and I believed that I was dead.

its been almost 3 months now and I've been experiencing what seems to be symptoms of hppd.

My symptoms are:

In dark rooms or when my eyes are closed I see blue or red fractals at the centre of my vision, and I'm mildly lit rooms they travel over the walls,

Long lasting after images from bright objects,

the worst symptom is that whenever I look at carpets and sometimes other objects they seem to grow this psychedelic pattern into them, seeing this really scares me. I avoid it by not looking at the floor basically but if I do then it will make me really anxious and more prone to my symptoms for the rest of the day. Does anybody else see this? Because I've only ever read about one other person having it.

i see slight red lines over my keyboard on my phone screen

On plain walls I also see what seems to be like mild static.

when I am hungover I also have strong CEV's that basically take me back to the night before or I see a distant screen that shows what seems to be videos of me

I still have hope for this going away as a lot of the symptoms are only really there when I think about them. So I was wondering if others think this seems hopeful or not?

the fear of my symptoms never going away also scares me a lot and makes things a lot worse.

i am basically sober now, I don't even drink caffeine, but I do occasionally drink alcohol which I am trying to stop. I am on a diet and I go to the gym for a couple of hours daily.

i can have episodes where I feel a lot better and that it is going to go away, and I can sometimes have whole days when I don't think I see any visual disturbances, but small things like my mood being changed can bring it on again where I feel worried about the hallucinations all the time.

i am only 17 so I don't have access to any medication to help yet and it takes a long time to go through the children's mental health service.

i was wondering if people think my hppd will fade eventually, and if there is anything else I can do to further my recovery.

please don't give comments that are negative or make me feel like I will never be cured because it makes things a lot worse for myself.

thank you for any responses given!


Edited by Alex C
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Hi Alex.  I have what you describe when you look at carpets.  With me it happens when I look at anything with a fine grain (sand,  cement, textured ceilings, etc.).  I used to have intense CEVs which have cleared up but it took a long time.  Note, I dosed hundreds of times so it's not a surprise.  I'm not familiar with the chemical you've ingested but I'm assuming it's a psychedelic.  Your symptoms sure sound like hppd to me.  However, I'm not a doctor or an expert on the topic.  I've just had it for a long time.

You're doing the right thing by refraining from psychoactive substances.  Because you've only dosed a few times I think you have a better chance at recovering.  You're also taking care of your body which, for me, helped a lot.  Also, the fact that the symptoms fade at times sounds like an excellent sign.  My visuals are constant unless I'm focused on something like driving, work, or a hobby where I use my hands.

Above all, don't despair!  Even if your symptoms don't entirely go away you can live a wonderful and productive life.  Hang in there.

Edited by MadDoc
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