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The trip that never ends


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 17 years ago, I took a very large dose of LSD, was told it was LSD 25. I intended on taking two or three hits, liquid vile being dripped on my tongue, when the man holding the vile *accidentally* squirted the entire vile in my mouth. LSD was pouring down my chin, all over my legs....I felt immediate doom. 
I was not new to using acid, and use to get puddled every so often, taking smaller doses even more frequently. 

I was at a large rave, hardcore techno, the DJ became the Devil. I started having breathing issues, I couldn't get a deep breath, and suddenly I couldn't walk by myself. I was unable to move my arms, legs, and was drooling. I had a sinking feeling, did not know the difference between love and hate, good and bad, reality and whatever I was currently going through. I was convinced that I had the answer to life at my fingertips, and that I had seen in to the universe and beyond. 

I asked my friends to take me to the hospital, but they refused, put me in the back seat of the car and went back to the rave. The hallucinations were over the next day, but I still had disorientation and a body high for about two weeks. 

A year later I randomly had what I later learned was my first panic attack. Since then, I have had a severe panic disorder, agoraphobia, and some minor depression. Before that final trip, I never once experienced any mental health, I was fairly normal. Now my daily life is challenged. When my panic attacks come on I get very similar feelings to the trip I had. I am very sensitive to light, I see tracers, I deal with disassociation from the world, and everything looks like I am looking at it through a camera.

I learned tonight about   HPPD  and it really makes sense that this could be my issue. 
I try to explain to drs my history with how the LSD affected me, but they always seem to shrug it off, say I need counseling to work through my issues to stop my triggers, but I am convinced I am not triggered by anything. 

Any advice on how to handle this? Coping skills? Info to provide to medical professionals so they actually believe me? 

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Hi, welcome to the forum. As a fellow long termer, I know the feeling of finally finding out about HPPD and having a name for the disorder... It's quite liberating.

I'm sure you've built up a good set of coping mechanisms of your own, but  a few things you might not be aware of:

Avoid caffeine, avoid SSRIs and anti psycotic meds (doctors are quick to hand these), avoid fast/junk food, try to exercise, clonazepam is the most used treatment here (though treat with caution, additive), other meds that have worked for some - keppra, lamitcal

re: doctors - this is a good starting place for literature - https://www.theravive.com/therapedia/hallucinogen-persisting-perception-disorder-dsm--5-292.89-(f16.983)

All the best, Jay

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Welcome, I found this forum after having persistent visuals for all of my adult life.   I hadn't realized that my condition had a name until recently and it was freeing  to discover I wasn't the only person in the world who had residual symptoms from using psychedelics.  I also took some very large doses when I was in my late teens but I think hppd had set in when I first started taking lsd in my early teens.  Now I'm a late middle aged guy who has visual anomolies pretty much all the time.  That being said, life has been wonderful even with hppd. As for coping, meditation practice has been a huge help.  Also, staying focused makes my visuals far less prominent.

There are a bunch of bright people who post here and a wealth of information.  It took me a while to read just a fraction of the posts but it was time well spent.

Edited by MadDoc
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