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Hello fellow inmates,

 

This August will mark the 28th anniversay of my hppd event. I can't gloss it over, it's been tough. Although I knew a few students in college who had persisting halos, trails and strobe motions visuals - my problem is different. The Facebook page for this site currently has an example of the floaters and flashes, sparks and static that I see every day. For the most part, my life has been good. But, my hppd has been a big contributer to serious bouts of depression and anxiety. It has impacted my life in significantly negative ways. Luckily, when I am doing well, the floaters and flashes don't bother me much. I cope with them. If I am stressed and depressed? they bother me much more.

 

Finally, in 2012, I discovered that my condition had a medical term and that my symptoms were not unique. All the doctors and therapists I had discussed this with had never heard of a permanent visual side effects from LSD. About five years into my hppd, I was lucky to have a neurologist who took me serioulsy and ordered a Visual field test, PET and MRI. He claimed that there may be some slight abnormality in my optic cyasm - the junction where the two optic nerves meet and then enter the brain. They can diagnose this by a delay in the signals from the eyes to the visual centers of the brain. I've recently looked into other visual problems that are related to the optic nerve and one -- optic nerve atrophy - it rather interesting. Although the condition causes faded and washed out vision, this related information seemed relevant to me: "The optic nerve can also be damaged by shock, various toxic substances, radiation, and trauma." Of course, the "various toxic substances" caught my eye. So, I started thinking that perhaps blotter acid (toxic substances) with a questionable additive do some optic nerve damage? This is just a theory. But, I think it's worth considering. Has anyone else come up with a neuroligical explaination?

 

I am so grateful for this forum. I look forward to connecting.

 

Hope to connect with all of you soon.

 

-Dante

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Hi,

 

I have been prescribed anticonvulsants, neurontin, klonopin, xanax, valium. I've been on anti-depressants. Wow, I'm sure I'm leaving some out. It was all in the effort to get out of this situation. I've learned that exercise and a good diet work much better. How you think about it is key. Sometimes I am able to simply forgive myself and accept what I cannot change. That's the only way to deal with this if you want to live a happy life. Sure, it won't be perfect, but whose life is? Knowing I'm not alone is comforting in a big way for me.

 

The main reason I came to this site is my depression. I am having a rough time, and theories about how its caused is just avoiding this fact. I don't blame people on this site for not responding to my introduction, because I focus on things that just can't be proven and certainly don't offer hope that things will get better. I just need to know Im not alone, and I am searching for any advice on how to cope.

 

-Dante

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Well, you are not alone.  While you have learned to accept the problem, enjoy and live life, you are still suffering and that is what 'ordinary' people don't understand.  So this site is a place to 'share' this stuff.

 

It is also healthy to keep a look out for things that might help.  Seems that the first few year a person can feel desperate for a solution.  Most people don't have HPPD 28 years but plenty do.

 

Depression and anxiety are comorbid with HPPD.  It isn't always just a reaction - something that you can simple fix with an attitude adjustment.  For some there are minor neurological changes that are hard to deal with.

 

What are the anti-depressants you've been taking?

 

It helps to keep a log of how you respond to meds.  Anticonvulsants can help depression but are usually sedative/groggy.  Neurontin has been useful for some treatment resistant depression.  How did you respond to it?

 

Another key is to try different classes of meds.  Your list is meds for seizure and/or anxiety.  One class that helps me and a few others are dopamine increasing meds.

 

Do you have 'body' symptoms?    pain, restlessness, numbness, tremor, etc...

 

There are a lot of questions but it helps to understand what you are experiencing and what you pharmacological responses are.

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Thanks for your reply. My symptoms appear to have increased a lot lately -- but I don't know if I should chalk that up to anxiety and depression. I don't have any physical symptoms other than the times I've experienced panic attacks.

 

I am not taking anything right now. Haven't been on anti-depressants since I tried Wellbutrin about four years ago and that just made me sleepy (which is not a common side effect, apparently it gives most people extra energy).  Neuontin was a disaster. I couldn't think clearly on that stuff and it seemed to make my depression worse. I did respond well to Prozac -- but that was over 20 years ago. More recently, I made the mistake of staying on Xanax and then Valium for about four years. It helped me at first, but then affected my memory very badly. I tapered myself off (with little help from my psychiatrist - who was arrested last September for doling out prescriptions with little or no consultation!).

 

Worst part of the situation - lost my job of 10 years back in 2011 and have been at a crappy low paying job near my apartment. My self-esteem was damaged by a bully boss and now it continues to reside in the gutter. I have no choice but to pull myself out. This is the only place where people can relate to my problem. I was hoping to receive some more welcomes, but I guess you need to talk about cures to have anyone really want to engage.

 

Don't want to sound alarmist, but I'm pretty miserable. My girlfriend of five years is running out of patience. And I just found out I need 25K in dental work because my past crap dentists put crowns and bridges on that were not tight enough to protect my teeth. And, on top of that -- I have tendonitis in both arms due to my print shop job. I know this is unrelated to my hppd, but it's adding to my anxiety and depression. Really thinking I should get on an anti-depressant again.

 

I know that the only solution is a positive outlook. I am trying -- but not hard enough.

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Well, the job is a big factor. But the symptoms -- it's hard to ignore or convince myself that they are not worse than before. Is the anxiety causing it to be worse, or is the condition flaring up and causing my anxiety which feeds off my bad mood?  I can't really say for sure. Devoting all my energy to getting a new job.  But it's really hard. Feel like I have post traumatic job loss disorder. I feel like I destroyed my career and have little confidence in myself to get back to my previous level of professional activity.  But I just keep telling myself -- it's all how you look at things. I can choose to focus on other things than my hppd. I'm trying.

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I should also mention - Visual - that I started thinking about depresonalization. Never really related to the description of the symptoms. But, after you asked about other physical symptoms I realized that I haven't felt like myself in a while. The feeling of watching activity around you but -- as if you were watching a movie or someone else's dream -- is familiar to me.  Perhaps I've had it all along -- but chalked it up to depression or being burned out and tired. And lack of concentration has also been part of that feeling of isolation and detachement. Need to work this out.

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Its hard to know for sure what is all going on.  The small brain alteration with HPPD often affects the areas involved with anxiety.  So it feeds anxiety and fears feed anxiety.  You can work with the fear side directly but the other is trickier and may need meds to help.

 

Depression is very similar to anxiety.  Although it feels different, the same areas of the brain are affected.

 

As for the job, its easy to get esteem tied up in it.  But if you had a crappy boss, its his fault not yours.  What type of work did you do?

 

Your response to Wellbutrin is instructive ... though complicated to explain why.  Did it affect your visuals at all?  What was your dose?

 

Most people with HPPD don't do well with SSRIs, antipsychotics (anti-dopamine), or SNRIs.  However some do.  If Prozac helped then maybe you need it to get out of the rut.

 

Some of the positive meds for HPPDers have been Klonopin, Keppra, and Sinemet.  Only a few have tried Sinemet but your response to Wellbutrin might indicate it would be good to try.  Also the strobe motion thing.  Do you have to doc who will prescribe without a hassle?

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  • 2 weeks later...

I worked in publishing and I'm not sure i will return -- depends on what I find out there. Starting a major job search now. It's hard, but I have no choice but to push ahead.

 

Don't remember the Wellbutrin making the visuals worse or better. I was constantly tired and foggy headed on that medication, so I stopped very soon after I began -- about 2 weeks in.  I don't have a new psychiatrist yet. My old one had his license to prescribe meds suspended due to charges that he was handing out scripts without adequate consultation. Not in my case - I always made sure I got my 45 minutes with him.

 

I would be open to another medication. A small dosage of Klonopin has helped me in the past -- if it's just for a short time. The other drugs you suggest, I am not familiar with. Will do some research on those.

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