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A lost cause


bpl4269
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I am going to keep this post short and succinct. My life is a fallacy. I am a waste of money, time and resources. I desire nothing more than for my existence to cease. Yet, I do not have the heart, nor the courage to follow through with the act on my own accord. I simply feel as if I am waiting for death to sweep me off my feet, and take me to a tranquil place, where suffering of this magnitude cannot exist. I'm through with this life.

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Suicide is a permanent choice for a temporary problem. If you truly are at rock bottom there is no way but up my friend. There is absolutely no way you can know that your life will always be this bad. I truly believe you will be able to find some content or meaning to life. Depression often make it hard to put things in perspective so even if you feel that life is meaningless and a fallacy this isn´t the case. I would strongly recommend you to seek professional ASAP if you´re not able to handle your current situation and please contact me if you need to talk in the meantime.

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You might be correct that HPPD isn´t temporary. But there is no way knowing there won´t be a cure or that you won´t be able to be happy in the future. Some people are blind their whole lives, some have had DP all their life and others get HPPD. This is a cliche but life simply isn´t fair. Bad things happen to good people and vice versa. I´m not trying to downplay the massive burden that comes with this stuff and would rather lose a leg than deal with this every day. "Man´s search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl is a great book and should provide some perspective if you´re feeling depressed. Again, seek professional help if things spiral out of control.

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The whole enduring vs living thing largely depends on outlook. For some life is about endurance, others are lucky enough to "live". Some find solace in faith etc, but even if you don´t subscribe to higher powers, life can be quite enjoyable. Existence of any form of intelligent life on a rotating ball of stardust some random place in outer space is so ridiculously random that it probably shouldn´t be taken too seriously IMO.

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The whole enduring vs living thing largely depends on outlook. For some life is about endurance, others are lucky enough to "live". Some find solace in faith etc, but even if you don´t subscribe to higher powers, life can be quite enjoyable. Existence of any form of intelligent life on a rotating ball of stardust some random place in outer space is so ridiculously random that it probably shouldn´t be taken too seriously IMO.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. There are actually religious/mystical sects that believe life is very traumatic/difficult and one must simply endure it, and they spend their whole lives attaining a state in which we all hate very much - a dissociated state; one in which they don't really feel much emotion, whether negative or positive, and are simply viewers of 'reality'. I described this to my z-trainer recently that with my DP/DR I simply feel like a 'viewer', in fact, a 'viewer viewing himself from another perspective', sort of like watching myself in a movie, only in real time. This makes everything feel 'foreign' and 'unfamiliar', and generally just weird and not genuine. I also agree that things shouldn't be taken too seriously. Although I undoubtedly get disheartened (though I also have times of feeling happy due to being in love!), I never take things very seriously. For all we know life/reality is a dream conjured up by each of our interconnected consciousnesses, or hell, perhaps it's all in one individuals minds. Or perhaps any other religion is entirely correct about reality and life. Who knows. But for me, that lack of knowing just induces a very lighthearted mindset towards it all.

 

Secondly:

 

I am going to keep this post short and succinct. My life is a fallacy. I am a waste of money, time and resources. I desire nothing more than for my existence to cease. Yet, I do not have the heart, nor the courage to follow through with the act on my own accord. I simply feel as if I am waiting for death to sweep me off my feet, and take me to a tranquil place, where suffering of this magnitude cannot exist. I'm through with this life.

 

You gotta stay in there man. Believe me, I have it bad too, and not only with my HPPD. For the past some odd years my immediate family has been crumbling before my eyes. My younger brother has been severely ill his entire life, yet for the past 3-4+ years his health has gotten continuously worse; he has endured over a dozen surgeries and at the young age of 15 is on medications that are used for cancers, as well as high dose percocet. They may even switch him to something stronger such as morphine or fentanyl, because he has grown quite tolerant of percocets. This has caused us great financial troubles. I've moved about 8 times in my life, yet stayed in the same town my entire life because my mom wanted us to stay in this school district due to how good it is, as well as staying close to our friends. My parents are going to get separated when we move again in May, which may be a good thing as although I care for my dad, he is not the best dad and is a rather terrible husband. My mom has always been both the one who earns the money around here AND does everything for me and my brother regarding school and sports; since my brothers health has gotten worse, my mom is his nurse 24/7, helping him get dressed, helping him bathe, bringing him to tutors, GI specialists, surgeons, etc. all while figuring out ways to earn us money as my father sits around and does nothing. In fact, in these past three months I've earned more than my father at age 19 while dealing with extremely severe HPPD and being a full-time student and getting engaged (though still currently living at home). This doesn't even touch upon all the things I've went through in my (very happy) relationship with my fiance, getting past addiction and so forth. 

 

I don't really have much going for me right now outside of having my fiance, helping my family, and spending much more time than it would generally take someone without HPPD to attain my first degree. I don't have a social life any longer (not friends with any of my old friends, and I don't hang out with the ones I do stay in touch with due to their substance abuse in addition to the fact that I'd rather not go out and have a panic attack and break down and have everyone witness it); if it wasn't for being employed by a blogger/podcaster who enjoyed posts I made on various forums, I'd either (1) have NO income, or (2) struggle to work at WalMart (which hired me previously, though I went for this blogging gig which pays better anyhow, haha) while getting addicted to benzos and alcohol to keep my visuals and panic attacks at bay. Yet, despite all this, I'm not only hopeful that I will cure my HPPD.... I'm certain I will cure my HPPD. I will spend every last dollar, every ounce of energy, and every second of every day laying my symptoms to rest, permanently. After I do this, I'm on to aiding everyone else with HPPD/DP/DR, even if it means buying things for people, applying what I learn at z-health clinics and doing skype sessions; hmmm... like a 'Dallas Buyers Club' for HPPD, haha (that's actually a pretty cool idea, lol). 

 

I've said this before and I'll say it again - I'm not trying to make this about me. I just know there are some that go through the same things I go through, perhaps to an even greater extent, and it down right saddens me. I've seen missjess post asking about suicide rates of HPPDer's, also while feeling generally hopeless; Odisa exhausting a great amount of supplements and pharmaceuticals to abate symptoms, and so much more. Unfortunately, I've come to learn (I believe this is true, unless I saw something that was a lie) that most people who have Lyme and die, choose to end their own lives. I don't want that for anyone, and I don't want that for you despite having never met you once. There are literally thousands of treatments to look into; I've tried a lot of different things that haven't helped, yet I know for everything I've tried there is 2-3 things I haven't, along with 2-3 more things I'm potentially unaware of. If you're this desperate and disheartened at this point, I'd look into the Skilling Institute and write them and buy one of their products and/or some rife machines. They both have helped cure people of chronic Lyme. I may even get some of these technologies for HPPD symptoms; at least anxiety and panic attacks. Additionally, you could try the Bob Beck protocol which has literally cured people of HIV and AIDS, among other things, including neurological disorders. It was created by a very renown, extremely experienced and innovative Ph.D. physicist Bob Beck, who started developing very useful forms of 'electromedicine'. If you don't have the cash to buy the technologies, you can make them yourself. I'm friends with someone on Facebook who has created his technologies to increase his well-being and longevity, along with helping his close friends and family; he also teaches people (for free, I believe) how to make the devices. 

 

Stick in there man. I promise things will get better. 

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BigPapaChakra, I would like to take the time to say "U are a good kid with a big heart" even though ur family is unfortunately going through tough times financially, ur parents divorcing, ultimately ur brothers sickness and ur hppd. Wow that is compounded beyond my human mental horizon but I'm inspired by ur outlook with a optimistic constant view of seeing the good in everything and everyone. I do wish u the best in ur quest for searching in every crack and crevice for the cure of hppd. U are a very intelligent individual for 19 years of age I'm sure u heard that before. I really enjoy reading ur educational posts they are all great reads in fact I'm learning a lot from u and ur hyperlinks. I just wanted to take a minute in a well deserved acknowledgment from me to u "KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK" AAAAAND CONGRATULATIONS ON UR WOMEN IN UR HANDS OF MARRIAGE.. HPPD24YEARS!!

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BigPapaChakra, I would like to take the time to say "U are a good kid with a big heart" even though ur family is unfortunately going through tough times financially, ur parents divorcing, ultimately ur brothers sickness and ur hppd. Wow that is compounded beyond my human mental horizon but I'm inspired by ur outlook with a optimistic constant view of seeing the good in everything and everyone. I do wish u the best in ur quest for searching in every crack and crevice for the cure of hppd. U are a very intelligent individual for 19 years of age I'm sure u heard that before. I really enjoy reading ur educational posts they are all great reads in fact I'm learning a lot from u and ur hyperlinks. I just wanted to take a minute in a well deserved acknowledgment from me to u "KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK" AAAAAND CONGRATULATIONS ON UR WOMEN IN UR HANDS OF MARRIAGE.. HPPD24YEARS!!

 

Thanks, I appreciate the kind words. I suppose all the seemingly negative experiences in my life have forged a path to a heightened sense of positivity, as odd as that may sound. Perhaps I was born that way, perhaps it was my environment; perhaps both. That I don't know, but regardless all I want to do is help people, especially us HPPDer's. Once again, thanks fo the kind words  :)

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