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Hope Lost


bpl4269
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I know I have been fairly inactive lately on this web page. In fact, I don't believe I have logged on in a few months. Well, that's beside the point. Things have gotten increasingly more intense visual wise. My dp had almost gone until I took a cbd supplement derived from medical cannabis, which brought it back full force. I am at a present state of acceptance for the most part, but it is saddening that this has become my daily existence. I feel handicapped to an extent. Yet the only difference is that no one can visually recognize my handicap and empathise. So I am treated with the same disrespect as any other employee at my job, and my parents never cut me a break. In short, life is miserable. I have lost hope. My lyme disease continues to exacerbate my hpod, and I am dependent on clonazepam. I am also taking lamotrigine which has done nothing. I have tried levetiracetam as well, to no avail. I am at a loss. Death seems to be the only logical path. I don't know what to do or where to turn anymore. My life is a wreck.

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Dude.

Be a little positive. Life continues and we all feel sometimes miserable, but there are great things life offers you.. and chanches are you will get better.. i also am sometimes very negative and done with everything. Though there is always something that keeps me going..

Just accept hppd in your life and do what other people do, why not?

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If you step back from the illness..... Is there anything you could change in your life that might bring you some peace or happiness? Travel? A new job? A new skill?

 

I know how bad this shit gets, but if you can just grasp onto one thing, it can help  (for instance, at my worst moments, I decided to just sit and learn everything I could about playing music.. guitar, piano, bass, drums.. anything i could get my hands on).... Did it help my hppd, no.... But it did help my mindset.

 

Keep fighting

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At the present moment I don't even care about the visuals. They no longer make me anxious in the slightest. The dp is what is eating me alive from the inside out. It makes the depression run far too deep. It makes me despise the thought of waking up in the morning. I am also extremely disappointed in myself for going the clonazepam route. It's all just a cluster fuck of issues culminating into the miserable existence I currently refer to as my "life." Though this is surely not living. It is simply existing.

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Keep at it man and try to do at least a few aerobic exercises a day to get those endorphins going. It might not help with visuals but it helps with stress, depression, and DP. Don`t give up. It could take weeks, months, or years but everything is always temporary!

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I'm gonna leave the forum for a while... But want to try and leave on a fairly positive post.

 

I've been on here for quite a few years now and have heard stories from nearly everyone here that had the illness for long term (over 3 months, say). Nearly everyone has a breakthrough after a few years,,, it just clicks. That is not to say life will be perfect after that, or easy.... But it will become manageable and you WILL start to live again. My 1st year, I wanted to die... I felt like my mind was toxic... Nothing made sense and everything hurt. But the mist did clear, life did go on and improve.

 

You have to fight this with the same determination as you would fight cancer... If your current state of mind is stopping you from doing something, then gather up all your strength and do it anyway.... Start simple, make small talk with a stranger, go into public places that would normally freak you out, keep building your confidence.... chat to the girl you like, try to play the sport you love or the music you love.... If hppd is saying no, then shake yourself and say yes... go travelling, go to school, if you hate your job, change it, if you hate your town, change it.

 

Always keep fighting

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Hey bpl, I know in your current state you may look and this and it may not mean a lot due to having heard it, but stick in there. I know exactly what you're going through as overall, in the past couple years my HPPD has gotten a lot worse. Things are looking up for me now, but that's because I'm hopeful for what the future holds for me due to all the things I'm experimenting with; not necessarily because all my symptoms have magically vanished.

 

Your words really resonate with me because up until recently NO ONE even really understood to the slightest what I go through. In fact, they never knew that I felt absolutely insane all the time. My family believes I speak fairly intelligently and since I want to go into premed and have been doing all this research and so forth they look at me at my young age and always say I'm intelligent, yet I try to express that I'm doing everything because of my HPPD, so I can rid myself of this atrocious disorder and then try to help others. Only my mom really gets it as of late, because when I experimented with high dose niacinamide I experienced extreme depression for the first time, along with being completely unfunctional. I mean that my HPPD got so bad I couldn't even feed myself because the DP/DR was too much. I would look at my hands and feel so tripped out I just couldn't even bring the fork to my mouth. I really believe that the high dose of niacinamide caused me some temporary delirium or something, along with my regular HPPD, on top of adding depression. I was so depressed I started crying about things that were completely illogical (though some of it was logical). I've never experienced depression so this was additionally frightening. All I did was cry thinking about what my fiance would think if she saw me.

 

It's been beyond difficult to go to class. I'm working on my associates degree and I've had to drop classes right after they started (so, fortunately getting out of failing a class, though I didn't receive credit); I may even be dropping this speech class this week as it gets extremely difficult to function under any stressor, despite how insignificant it is. Luckily, I've got a lot of tricks up my sleeve to help me, such as CES and z-health, yet that will all take time to make progress and I have things at my plate now. This isn't even including the fact that I'm engaged to my best friend, a girl who has been my neighbor, a classmate, and so forth for years before we dated, yet she doesn't really understand HPPD. 

 

I wasn't trying to make this about me in any sense, but give you my experience which may be relative to yours. I felt what I described roughly a month ago, and although my HPPD is much worse than when I first figured I had it, it's much, much better than last month when I didn't leave my bed for about a week. You're hitting a rough patch, but you'll get through it. If I were you, when you have the energy and capabilities, I'd make it a priority to describe your situation in great detail to everyone around you. They have to know otherwise if there is a really bad day and you just can't function, they'll be aware of why and won't expect you to do more.

 

Also, I try to stay positive because I figure there are so many new compounds coming out on almost a monthly basis that eventually I see something coming around that simply eradicates HPPD for most. We're making progress my leaps and bounds in diseases such as Alzheimer's, MS, TBI, etc. so it's just a matter of time that something can directly help HPPD. Anyhow, I feel as though most people overlook a lot of treatments that aren't a medication, I suggest you look into (when you have the time, energy, and if you want to actually do any of it, the money):

  • z-health (I highly recommend this, it's helped me a lot in only 6 days!)
  • neurofeedback
  • HBOT (since you have Lyme you can most definitely get a doctor to recommend HBOT and then seek out a local facility, in fact, it may help with Lyme, too)
  • Lastly, I recommend looking into Dr. Peat; I don't want to become a huge devout Peat advocate but he's by far the most intelligent man I've come across and he has so many simple recommendations that help so many people, for instance, raw carrot salads or cascara sagrada; he answers emails personally, too, and I've had over 40 email conversations with him. His recommendations are sound.

I truly wish you the best!

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Well you might wanna punch my face in for saying this right now, but I do think you have reason to be optimistic. If your reaction to the visuals are neutral even if they´re getting worse (this is the case for me, no idea why they keep getting worse almost two years after onset) you´ll probably be fine once you manage to lower/eliminate DP/DR. As I´m sure you know, this is one aspect of the disorder many people rid themselves of, though it may take some time. Seeking help for obsessive thinking, socializing if possible and focusing of studies have helped IME. It also seems to me, but I have no scientific material to back this observation up with, that most of the recovery stories over at DPSELFHELP are from people who got this mess induced by drugs. Remember that there are parts of you that accepts this world no matter how fake it (or your sense of self) seems :)

 

Anyways, vent whenever you feel like it and use Jay´s and Big Papa´s inspirational posts for motivation! 

 

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