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Ibogaine destroyed my life


Solveig
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In November 2011, I used an African root bark in an attempt to cure the depersonalizations and derealization I had developed one month earlier. I had no idea what was happening to my brain at the time I developed dp/dr. I had been reading about ibogaine as a treatment for depression for a few months prior to developing dp/dr, and had considered it for that purpose as well as a predisposition for addiction which I feared succumbing to after a long battle as a teenager. Two months leading up to the dp/dr, I had been undergoing extreme stress and lack of sleep. One day it just hit me, like flipping a switch, and I was never the same again. I decided to attempt to solve my problems by flying to Mexico to use ibogaine. Rather than experiencing any of the intended effects, the experience resulted in what I feel to be severe and traumatic brain damage. Traumatic does not begin to describe the magnitude of this experience. It put me into a permanent state of hell. My symptoms were a feeling that my brain was being tasered, a sense that a high voltage of electricity was jolting through the neurons and synapses, an urge I could barely resist the urge to find the nearest precipice to jump off because my brain felt as if it were on fire. I felt as though I wanted to jump out of my skin or run screaming through the streets out of terror and in an attempt to make the fire in my brain stop. Anything to make it stop. My vision was jumpy, the colors were weird shades of green and yellow, it seemed as though I was looking out at the world from the inside of a murky algae filled fishbowl, and I felt very drunk from the sensation of ataxia. At night, my eyes saw spider webs as well as the rest of those symptoms.

Although the extreme visuals and drunk sensation toned down somewhat, the rest persisted for approximately seven months until I was prescribed Lamictal in July 2012. I had gone through a laundry list of medications that worsened my symptoms, but the Lamictal offered the first glimmer of hope. I could feel a tiny reduction in the insane frenetic energy in my brain, and that has continued with each dosage increase. I'm now at 725 mg with a target dose of 800 mg. It has been an unfathomable nightmare, and Lamictal truly saved my life; however it has not by any means cured me. I still live with intense dp/dr, but the experience is bearable. At night or when I am tired, the sense I am on a hallucinogenic drug rears it's ugly head. My brain often feels jumbled, and the sense of connectedness to my loved ones is compromised. It's an existence I would never wish on anyone, but I keep going because I have three children that need a mother in their life, and because I refuse to give up hope that I may get better. The hope that someday I might feel a modicum of joy in my life is something I refuse to give up on.

I posted on dpselfhelp for awhile and found it helped to connect with people who we're going through dp/dr as well. I also wanted to warn people against the possibility of brain damage from using ibogaine because there were some people considering using it for the same purpose I did. One young woman did choose to use it and ended up with many of the same symptoms I did. She corresponded with me for awhile but then suddenly stopped. I felt great concern she might have harmed herself or tried to end her life as she was considering that. I hope she did not give up and retained hope. There is always hope. I did know the feeling of suicidal ideation though. For many months, I felt a overwhelming urge to choose to end my life as well. I resisted because I knew I could not do that to my children.

I had never heard of hppd, but eventually learned about it and knew instantly that was what I was experiencing. Before that, the only thing I could relate to, other than an extreme version of dp/dr, were the symptoms commonly associated with some traumatic brain injuries. I met a guy who had fallen off some high scaffolding while doing construction work. He spent some time in a coma, and his family had been told that he likely would never come out of it, but he miraculously did. Needless to say, his life has never been the same. He lives in a daily hell from his brain injury. When he described his symptoms, I could relate to so many of them.

In reading many posts on this website, I feel a sense of connectedness to all of you, and I am very encouraged that we are fighting this fight together with so many who have also refused to give up hope. I'm also hoping to get some advice and feedback on treatments that have worked for people with similar symptoms to my own. I'm wondering about the possibility of getting alleviation from symptoms by trying Sinemet and/or Keppra as I've read some positive things about those drugs on this site. Any feedback would be very welcome. Thanks for taking the time to read my post, and I wish all of you healing and the hope of someday reclaiming our lives.

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ibogaine man.. you dont mess with that stuff unless you have someone exceptionally well versed in its use to guide you. miracle cure for addiction it may be it's not a fix all and i would never use it to help dp/dr .. it's like a mental flush but if its not done right will just leave you worse. that and it needs to be done in concert with a proper support system to help long term with addiction. 

 

as for ibogaine and depression there hasnt been enough legitimate research for me to think of it as any kind of cure let alone treatment. the effects are far too strong to "treat" with and unlike addiction the mechanisms behind depression never just turn off.. i know addiction doesnt ever really either but with that ibogaine almost makes your brain forget those connections that feed the addiction

 

either way please stay away from that again unless you have someone with years of addiction treatment experience behind them to administer it. too risky otherwise

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Yes, I learned the hard way not to mess with ibogaine. I did find what I thought to be legitimate providers though. I went to Awakening in the Dream House in San Pancho, Mexico. You can find their website online. They came well recommended. I think they truly care and are trying to do good things for people but are ultimately playing Russian roulette with people's brains. I know they have good success with addictions treatment, but recommending ibogaine for mental or emotional conditions is a dicey game, and they blatantly do so on their website. The receptivity I had from them when the treatment went seriously downhill was absolutely awful. I can't imagine treating people who had a disastrous reaction to ibogaine the way they treated me. It was like they wanted to wash their hands of me as soon as they heard me say things were not good. I contacted everyone I could find online that knew anything about ibogaine and tried to get some help, but no one wanted to talk to me. It felt like ibogaine was some kind of cult or religion and because I was reporting a negative experience, I was being ostracized by the people most in the position to help me. I tried to contact Kenneth Alper, and was shut down very quickly. I spoke to an East coast ibogaine provider who told me he had never heard of a reaction like mine. Everyone I spoke to said my experience had to have been related to something else, that it couldn't have been ibogaine. It was like trying to speak out against some kind of deity that all these people worshipped and refused to believe could harm anyone. I was even told that I just needed to better embrace the experience and even that I should use it again because the only way to undo the damage was to undergo the treatment a second time. I walked away feeling so defeated and saddened that the very people who had offered to accompany me on this "healing" journey had totally rejected me when I needed help more than ever before. They treated me like I was contaminated goods. It's really sad when people who tout themselves to be spiritual helpers are rejecting your experience and refusing to help. Needless to say, I moved on to other avenues of healing and support.

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I read your story on another board (dpselfhelp I think). It was, and is, very moving. I feel truly sorry for you. I can definitely relate to the sensation of jolts in the brain and the feeling of being under the influence of some drug.

Onedayillsailagain, an active and compassionate member here, once tried ibogaine post-HPPD as well, perhaps he'll chime in :-)

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i know it's a completely left field suggestion, but i'd honestly say salvia would have a better effect on us to treat dp/dr then ibogaine// if only because salvia will make any dp/dr feel like an afterthought for 5 minutes while reality truly collapses.. and when you come back you're grateful for the tiny in comparison bit of dp/dr .. as crazy as that sounds i mean it in all seriousness.. not done like a party drug but in a controlled setting similar to ibogaine therapy and even mdma therapy it can function to undo some of the mental loops that trap people in depression

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Wow.  That was a bad trip, pardon the pun.  Never understood that people gravitate to drugs as a 'spiritual' thing, but there is sure a lot of it.  Can't imagine being treated like a leper because you didn't share their wonderful experience.

 

How long have you been on Lamictal?

 

What are your symptoms now that you are on this med?

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so many people that get attracted to spirituality give the talk about compassion, open mind, love, non-judgmentalism, blah blah, but when push comes to shove are actually smug, self-riteous, petty minded, cliquey, judgemental arseholes.  How many people have gone to india to find themselves, and come back having found a pretentious sanctimonious prick?

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One should not disparage old cultures that has been using these things for their practice during hundreds of years. Shamans and yogis are not reckless and have proper understanding while kids from the west are too naive about it, that´s why they might end up in trouble.

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I'm very sorry to read of your experience.. How much did you take, and in what form?

I don't have much too add unfortunately. My experience was a bad trip as well, however it was post-HPPD/DP and I never felt it made anything worse in the long run.
It was out of desperation, and I knew little to nothing about pharmacology at the time. Iboga is a strong dissociative however (NMDAR antagonism + KOR agonism is the perfect dissociative cocktail).
I did experience a few days of worsened symptoms, although they subsided back to baseline. I only took a threshold "flood" dose myself.

I would go further in to my experience, but unfortunately much like yourself, substance (ab)use has lead to worsening of my condition and as such also memory. Though that was cocaine.
Perhaps you may find my experience somewhere on these forums with the search function.. I barely remember ever doing it.

Interestingly, what both cocaine and Iboga have in common, is increased KOR/dynorphin activation/gene expression, as do other common drugs of abuse that are reported to worsen HPPD/DP, despite having different MoA's.

Are you currently taking any supplements/nootropics/medications aside from Lamotrigine? The Lamotrigine hypothesis is based off of the theory that NMDA antagonism causes the glutamate available in the brain to bind more at other glutamatergic receptors (for the glutamatergic NMDA is blocked), thus inducing dissociation (although there is no literature for glutamatergic agonistic dissociation documented, e.g. AMPA agonism hasn't been associated with said symptoms). Lamotrigine IIRC inhibits glutamate itself, thus making less available for these non-NMDA receptors, supposedly improving symptoms via this mechanism. The problem however with this method, is that you simultaneously leave less glutamate available for the NMDA receptor (glutamate also being an endogenous ligand aside from NMDA itself). Reduced NMDA activation is exactly what causes dissociative, cognitive, etc. symptoms in the first place, thus it sort of equals out any benefits gained (assuming the Lamotrigine theory is true to begin with).

I suggest you try NMDA agonists. Currently available NMDA (partial and/or glycine site) agonists are Glycine, Sarcosine, D-Serine, D-cycloserine, D-Aspartic Acid. Discuss this with your doctor if you're interested and see if you can try one of those alongside Lamotrigine. Glutamate is a neurotransmitter that binds at many different receptors; inhibiting it is very non-specific whereas receptor modulation can pinpoint what works or doesn't.

Anyway, hope that helps. Sorry if it's not clearly explained; foggy mind and all that. I wish you the very best and a speedy recovery.
Odisa.

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Thank you for all your responses.

Visual: I've been on Lamictal since July 2012, so it's been about a year and a half now. I started at 25 mg and have slowly been going up ever since. I'm now at 725 mg, and the plan is to keep going because it's only helped and hasn't produced any negative side effects beyond dizziness after I take my nightly dose. My symptoms now are intense dp, some halos, especially under fluorescent lights or when I stare at the same thing for awhile, anxiety, and depression. The halos can make it really hard to sit down and talk to someone face to face for very long without looking away because the person starts to look white-washed, as if the halo starts to take over their face almost, and my vision starts to jolt or bounce around. It's really unnerving. Fluorescent lights are really killer no matter what, especially when they start flickering, which fluorescent lights have a tendency to do. When I'm tired or the medication isn't working as well due to hormone fluctuation (Lamictal loses efficacy with higher levels of estrogen) then some of the brain taser sensation starts to set in and I feel really out of it, like TV static is going on inside my brain, and I feel a sort of electric hum throughout my body. When I take my meds at the same time every night and get enough rest, the Lamictal does a pretty good job of toning down the feeling that I'm on a hallucinogenic drug, but life is still disorienting, depersonalized, and without joy or a sense of normalcy. I know there has to be something more to help, but I'm so scared to try more meds because it was hellacious trying to find something that worked. It's like my brain is so sensitized that most any chemical I put in my body has a powerful (and usually negative) effect. I've read some of your (and Merkan's) posts about Sinemet and was wondering what you think. Do you still take it? Does it cause sleep problems? That's another concern I have about trying new meds because I don't sleep well as it is. Bottom line though is that I will take the plunge to try something, but I would like to do it with as much information as possible. I know we all react differently to drugs, and certainly I seem to have extreme reactions, but anecdotal information is better than none, especially since we all have (or have had) hppd and this makes our brains a bit different than the rest as far as med tolerance. If not for this website, I wouldn't have known to avoid antipsychotic drugs.

Onedayillsailagain: I was given both Iboga and ibogaine. I have the dosage written down somewhere but can't remember it right now. Thank you for the chemistry information. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about that in order to better understand what happened. The other supplements I take are CoQ10, fish oil, a high dose b-complex, cal/mag, and some herbal sleep concoction to help me sleep, which I've had a hell of a time doing lately. My APRN has prescribed Seroquel for sleep, but after reading about how hppd and antipsychotics don't mix well, I've decided to forgo that route. I had someone suggest amitriptyline the other day for sleep. Does anyone have experience with that? Thank you for suggesting the NMDA agonists. I will definitely look into adding that to my supplement regimen. Any input or suggestions are much welcomed.

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Well, it sounds like a seizure-disorder type of thing.  No doubt you have read Dr A describing HPPD as a constant pre-seizure state.  The basis of his drug trial was using dopamine to allow the brain regain control of itself.  It you try Sinemet, just start with 1/2 pill and see what that does, and stay on your anti-seizure med.  One member recently tried 3 pills at once which is an overdose and maximized side effects.

 

Sinemet at high doses can reduce sleep and can increase anxiety.  This is a complaint of people with advanced Parkinson's disease.  However their are being treated for movement disorder and the dose is ~10 pills a day.  I too have sleep problems.  Initially Sinemet helped but now it doesn't seem to make a difference whether I take it or not.  My usual dose now is 1/2 pill, 2 times a day.  At this timeframe, the problem isn't falling asleep, its staying asleep.

 

The halo thing sounds unusual, like the person white-washes away.  When your vision starts to bounce around, are your eyes actually moving?

 

I ask about symptoms because there seem to be ones likely associated with dopamine and ones that are not.  Fuzzy and halo things tend to be.  And eye movement often is.

 

The main concern is the whole zapping/seizure-type thing.  I've heard of people getting off of SSRIs complaining about brain zaps ... but your state after Ibogaine is far greater.  Since Ibogaine affect the serotonin receptor 5-HT2A just as LSD does, perhaps that is the main problem.  Clearly the 'Awakening' clinic personel are poorly trained.

 

What medications have your tried?  SSRIs?

 

Know a lady with seizure problems and she takes Dilantin.  She too suffers shifts with hormones.  Takes gabapentin as an adjust as well.  Herbal formulas with wild yam may help.  And taurine (~2g) can help with water too.

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Visual: I have not read Dr. Abraham's material but have read about him through many of the posts on this site. It's very interesting to me that he has described hppd as being in a constant pre-seizure state because that is exactly how I've described it to people.

Do you still find the Sinemet to be useful? I recall reading that you feel like some of the progress made with Sinemet has been permanent. Is that why you take so little?

As for the halos I experience, when I initially look at someone, they appear normal (aside from the feeling of looking out of a fishbowl due to dp/dr), but when I must maintain eye contact or need to continue looking at someone, it's almost as if they become too bright to look at. When I say white-washed, I mean that it's as if they are beginning to fade into white light. I guess I've never thought about the possibility that my eyes might actually be moving around when I have jumpy vision. It does feel as if they are shaking, but I always attributed it to a perception distortion.

I do think there might be something to the dopamine theory. I can't handle caffeine, but it does temporarily seem to add a little more clarity. Soon after I returned home from Mexico, I was prescribed a very small dose of Subutex by a psychiatrist I was seeing at that time. He thought it would be helpful after reading Mauricio Sierra's book on dp. It did seem to clear up my vision for a few days and also knocked me out at night, which was what I desperately needed at the time, but it stopped doing anything useful very soon after I started taking it. It was very uncomfortable getting off of, and, ultimately, I hated the drug. I recently had surgery and was prescribed hydrocodone and dilaudid. That was the first bit of relief I really had as far as my mood. Then again, most people do tend to like caffeine and narcotics, so maybe there is no correlation at all.

The drugs I've tried so far are (in chronological order): Xanax, which was given to me during the ibogaine experience as well as after, Zoloft, Gabapentin, Wellbutrin, Propranolol, Klonopin, Ambien, Subutex, Latuda, and Lamictal. I currently have a prescription for Keppra, Ativan, and Seroquel but have not tried any of those drugs yet. Prior to ibogaine, I had taken Prozac and Serzone as a teenager and Zoloft for a brief time in the spring before ibogaine. I did experience "brain zaps" when I weaned myself of of Zoloft, and that was another description I used when trying to explain how it felt after ibogaine, but, like you said, it was much worse. The brain zaps from Zoloft were a walk in the park in comparison. Every drug I took post-ibogaine caused an increase in problems until I started Lamictal.

Thank you for your advice and suggestions. I'll ask my APRN about Sinemet. Do you know anything about amitriptyline for sleep and if that interacts okay with hppd? That was something recently suggested to me for sleep. I really need some decent sleep. I feel like I'm starting to fall apart physically without it, and I certainly need it for any hope of a mental recovery.

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Most meds you adapt to and then they are not so effective ... or getting off of them is hard.  That is usually a problem with benzos.  Since I don't need as much Sinemet for visual problems, I figure it has helped fix things.  And still take it.

 

How did you do with Wellbutrin?  (that one can be rough at normal dosages)

 

How was Gabapentin?

 

I've used amitriptyline 10mg without nasty problems.  It reduces sharpness and contrast a little.  It's predisesor imipramine helps sleep better but can start to bother me like Keppra.  Seem to tolerate tri-cyclics better than SSRIs, which is consistant with 'dopamine' people such as PD.  Tamazipam has been the best for sleep, but for the most part don't take anything to help unless it gets bad.  Ambien seems better for falling to sleep rather than staying asleep.

 

Do you experience movement of stationary objects such as patterns causing movement?  Or is it just the white out thing?

 

You've tried a lot of things - that is good because you have a doc who is willing to work with you, and it can be somewhat diagnostic.  Some people have success with Keppra.  It can be very sedative to help you sleep.  For me, a little goes a long way and it ends up destabilizing emotions if I continue.  Since you have script for Keppra, try a small piece before bed.  I've got 750mg tabs and can take 1/4 pill before bed and it can be very helpful for sleep.

 

You can also try melatonin at bedtime.  There is age specific dosing, but you could try 3mg before bed and see.  It is readily available in USA.

 

Ironically, with seizure disorders and brain injuries, it is very important to sleep - even a small nap in the middle of the day.  Yet sleep is difficult to get with these conditions.

 

Here is a reference to 'pre-seizure'.  There is no medical word for 'pre-seizure', but coherence is technically what is happening - http://dana.org/News/Details.aspx?id=43275

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Wellbutrin seemed to help very slightly, but came with other side effects that made it intolerable.  I tried Wellbutrin within the first few weeks after ibogaine at a very low dose.  I'm not sure anything could have put much of a dent in what was going on at that time.  I was still "tripping," so to speak.  I tried Zoloft before Wellbutrin, and that was a major mistake.  It was the first drug I took immediately upon returning home from Mexico.  I tried Zoloft because it had worked well before I used ibogaine, but I weaned off within a few months because I felt guilty about taking pharmaceutical drugs - a misguided attitude I've long since abandoned.  Needless to say, the Zoloft was a nightmare (I'm guessing due to it being an SSRI), but I had no idea at the time that SSRIs were usually a bad combo with hppd.

 

Gabapentin was the third drug I tried, and it was not good.  It further disoriented me.  But as I said, I'm not sure there was anything that could have helped at that time.  My brain was on fire with electrical energy, so throwing a psychotropic drug into that was just generally a bad idea.  Maybe Lamictal would have helped, but I'll never know.

 

I'll look into your suggestions about sleep.  As you said, sleep is such a critical component of recovery but hard to get with an hppd brain.  Maybe I'll try Keppra first, since it's what I have on hand at the moment.  I did try melatonin, and it wasn't effective.  I've gotten some relaxation from a passionflower, skullcap, hops, california poppy, and chamomile mix, but the problem is stayig asleep.  Valerian makes me feel hangover drunk, so I stay away from that.  I want to stay away from anything habit forming, if possible.  I don't want to be dependent on any more drugs than necessary.

 

Patterns aren't currently a big problem.  The ibogaine "trip" never produced patterns in the way I experienced them with LSD or psylocibin.  The initial visuals with ibogaine were a frentic hum of greenish yellow scribbly light, like everything was electrified, and they could only be seen in dim or dark light.  When I would close my eyes, it was much worse.  I constantly feltl this sensation of electricy pulsing through my synapses, like the circuit breaker in my brain had been fried. Currently, it's mostly a lighting issue for me.  There's usally a low-grade vibration to my vision as well.  On my better days, nice soft indoor light is fine, but flourescent light and bright sunlight are killer.  My best days are when it's overcast. 

 

I'm really grateful for your advice and suggestions because it sounds like you've tried many treatments and have a lot of experiences to draw from.  What initially set off hppd for you?  How long have you dealt with it?  Do you feel like you have satisfactory quality of life now? 

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Mine was caused by a 'toxic building'.  Some kind of chemical in the petroleum/rubber solvent class.  It is nearly 7 years now.  "Satisfactory quality of life now?" - well, that is more about attitude of acceptance.  Visuals are not that big a deal for me.  Have to exercise tight mental control on emotions, otherwise sudden mood changes can be terrible.  Fatigue is a big one ... after about 3 or 4 hours, productivity crashes so I just putter.  The two meds I take help, but the don't fix it all.  A least there is a half day :)

 

Sounds like Keppra is your next step.  Vitamin B-6 is recommend to take with it.  Side effects are why I don't continue with Wellbutrin.  However, it was very helpful otherwise.

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Hey solveig!! I sent u a message on dpselfhelp....I believe the girl ur referring to is me :) im still alive...just barely..

I'm still trying to learn of ways to reverse the damage that iboga done to me also :( I should be getting my supplements tomorrow !! Sarcosine will be arriving and mayb NAC. I also took 800mg of piracetam today but I didn't rlly notice anything from it. I made my situation worse by drinking alcohol a few nights ago so feeling horrible lately and am desperate for a solution.

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Hi Missjess!  I'm so relieved to hear from you.  Yes, I received the message and will reply right away.  Hang in there; things do get better with the right treatments.  It's so important for people like you and me to continue to share our story so that others may have a well-informed awareness of the possible risks.  In my experience with the staff at Awakening in the Dream House and others experienced with providing ibogaine, there is a great resistance in acknowledging possibly horrific outcomes from using ibogaine and even more resistance to helping those negatively affected.  I maintained contact with Awakening in the Dream House in an effort to get help and received very little in the way of support.  This is not good, and I wonder how many others have been damaged by ibogaine that may not be posting their experience online.  Maybe some have even been institutionalized or succumbed to suicide.  I know ibogaine has helped many, but it's crucial to inform people of the potential damage involved with treatment.  I went to a reputable facility, did much research, and described my symptoms to the staff with as much clarity as possible, yet this resulted in tremendous brain damage.  Even with great prudence, a negative outcome is a potentiality, and that can't be ignored.  It is my belief that because of the cult-like attitude surrounding ibogaine, as well as a strong push for legalization among ibogaine advocates, sweeping negative outcomes under the rug is often the chosen method of dealing with the potentially negative fallout for ibogaine's reputation.  Ibogaine has been healing for many, but it is ethically responsible to disclose all possible outcomes.

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Great and I look forward to ur response!!

Yep I have been doing the same and I even posted on Eboka forum...most ppl there are brushing it off and asking me am I sure iboga caused his bla bla bla telling me it could be a worsening of my dp when I know for a fact it is not!!! I'm with u I will post on as many places as possible to get awareness out! I have to try so hard to not want to kill myself. Having just a couple of glasses of alcohol a few nights ago has just made my dissociation like 5 times as bad and it's rlly giving me urges to want to fuki hang myself

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I just sent you a message through dpselfhelp.  I'm so glad you contacted me; it's really relieving to know you're still out there fighting the battle, and it's also given me the motivation and courage to keep telling my story and start focusing on informing ibogaine providers of the possible reactions to treatment.  So many websites are touting ibogaine as being a "miracle plant," and making it out to sound as if it will solve all your problems by "resetting" your brain chemistry.  How irresponsible!!  This is the same kind of propaganda that drew me to ibogaine in the first place.  I really should have known better; magical cure-alls are a fallacy and should be approached with great skepticism, but the unfortunate thing is that people who are emotionally or mentally struggling are very vulnerable to promises of "magical" cures.

 

I've posted on the Eboka forum as well, and my story was met with some degree of disbelief and negativity.  It seems ibogaine supporters are incredibly resistant to acknowledging the possibility that ibogaine can indeed destroy a brain.  The most negative reactions I've received have even indicated that it was my fault for experiencing what I did because somehow I was resistant to the treatment or not embracing the magical healing powers out of some defect within my personality or character.  Reacting as if there is something intrinsically wrong with me or that I have an inability to face my "issues" is totally absurd because ibogaine is sold as a treatment for people who are struggling psychologically.  Placing blame on victims is a cruel and inappropriate reaction to suffering.  Some people have suggested to me that feeling better is about attitude; I call bullshit.  Positive attitude goes a long way in many circumstances, but it's not enough to turn off a damaged brain constantly torturing you with unrelenting frenetic electrical energy and a never-ending hallucinogenic trip from hell.  There are circumstances in which all the positive attitude in the world cannot heal.  That isn't to say that a positive attitude can't help because I know that it takes a degree of positivity to maintain hope and keep going.  I try to infuse my daily life with every bit of positive energy within me, but, for me, it's demoralizing when people say that attitude will make the difference in quality of life.

 

Let me know how it goes with the nootropics.  I tried some and have considered trying more, but it took going through so many awful experiences with drugs and supplements before I found Lamictal that it scares the shit out of me to try new things. Right now, I'm having an awful time trying to sleep at night and have been prescribed a couple different drugs to help with that, after using many herbal supplements that haven't helped, but I'm terrified to put them in my body.  I even had a nightmare last night that I had tried one of the drugs, and it fucked me up horribly.  It sucks to be in a position of needing so much help but having such a delicate brain that help is practically impossible to find due to intolerable reaction to so many treatments.

 

Let's keep communicating and also making our stories known so that others at least know the possibility of brain damage they may face in choosing to use ibogaine.  I hope the ibogaine community eventually starts acknowledging outcomes like ours and tries to help people who struggle after treatment; maybe we can be the ones to make a difference.  I would do just about anything to prevent someone from another experience like ours.

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I truly feel for you two, Missjess and Sloveig. Well, I feel for everyone at this forum but your two experiences resonate with mine in a deep way. I've had what I believe to be HPPD for the better part of 2 years (as of the 22nd of this month) since I was 17 and it has largely crippled me mentally. It doesn't help that NO ONE that I know understands what I go through. On top of all this my family has been put through a lot with my younger brothers extensive debilitating illnesses that have left us with no funds for anything and moving multiple times a year from home to home (i.e. it's therefore hard for me to get treatments with no money and a constantly different location of living). My fiance has been through a lot in her life but even she can't understand what I've been going through and it really hurts me because I love her so much and I have this perhaps illogical fear of losing her due to my HPPD since there are many times recently that I just can't pull through and do things we could enjoy together. Stay in there, I wish the best for the both of you.

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BigPapaChakra:  I'm so sorry you've had to go through this experience as well.  It is mentally crippling, and I really understand how difficult it feels that no one understands.  Missjess and I talked about that and how we often don't bother trying to explain because no one has a reference point to even begin to comprehend this kind of mental anguish, and it can be even more painful to reach out and not get the kind of empathetic understanding you need.  I have tried to talk to my family about my struggle post-ibogaine, and some of them empathize, but, as time goes by, people seem to forget, and it's not something I want to continually bring up.  I think it's hard for people to recognize that this is something I deal with every second of every day.  Missjess aptly described this experience as being a horror show.  It's a nightmare of the worst kind that never seems to end. 

 

I also understand what it's like to be in a close relationship with someone who doesn't grasp the magnitude of what's going on inside your brain.  I am no longer involved, but I remember it felt so isolating to be going through this non-stop torment, and, even though my significant other wanted to understand, there was just no way he could.  When you're in this much mental suffering, it means so much to have someone understand, but it's asking a lot to have someone grasp the unfathomable.  I know that before ibogaine, I wouldn't have been able to comprehend anything like this.  No way.  This is a whole different dimension of existence.  There is nothing to compare it to.  I would never wish this experience on anyone, but there have been times I've wanted for someone to know what it's like inside my brain for even just a day, so that someone could understand.  This is a tremendously isolating experience, and it really helps to have true understanding and support.  I'm really grateful for this website and for everyone who has the courage to reach out to someone going through these kinds of experiences.  My thoughts are with you, and I wish the best for you as well.

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Yeah, I feel exactly the same way. It's been increasingly debilitating for me as of the past few months, too. When I first started experiencing symptoms it manifested as simple lingering anxiety and occasional spontaneous panic attacks which I previously had not experienced, in addition to a heightened sense of visual snow since I've oddly had since childhood. I continued to smoke weed as to try and maintain a social life (all my friends smoked weed at least occasionally) but every time I smoked I felt as though I was about to start tripping out - I felt the DP/DR symptoms most of us describe and I got minor psychedelic-like visuals akin to a low dose of acid. I would end up calling my mom letting her know I felt really odd and to make me tea or something (lol) and then get dropped off at home and just have this terrible migraine with flashes of light and colors and extreme fear. Soon thereafter I started dating my fiance, stopped smoking, and started focusing on my diet and researching a lot of different things. Long story short, some things started to help me quite a bit, but overall I progressively have come to feel worse.

 

I have thus far found a few things that have helped me, namely the TULIP stack, red and near infrared light from LEDs, incandescent bulbs, and infrared heat lamps, ketone generation via Upgraded MCT Oil and coconut oil, and nowadays CES and l-theanine. Overall, though, I'm much worse since the beginning but I have hope that all the extensive 'bio-hacking' I'm about to be doing will serve me well. I firmly believe my life depends on it. This has been the most debilitating thing I could ever imagine experiencing besides for the illnesses my brother has but those are physical, not mental and emotional. Overall I'm tremendously optimistic after doing a lot of research I have done and seeing how 'plastic' the entire human organism is (i.e. there have been studies showing regeneration of finger tips and bone and brain regions, let alone entire organs in animals) yet I often find myself regretting my decisions: I was an AP student in high school, on the football and wrestling team (which unfortunately led to brain damage, too, through multiple severe concussions), and then I allowed my partially developed prefrontal cortex control my life and start abusing dozens of substances thinking just because I read erowid and some clinical studies I know what's good. If I never made the deicisions I made one specific drug fueled sleep deprived weekend, I think all my previous drug use in addition to my concussions still wouldn't have causd any of my HPPD... it was all from one stupid weekend. Coincidentally I was too shy to ask my fiance out the night before (Valentine's Day; following day was a concert where I was laced with PCP or embalming fluid) and if I did I probably would've slept at her friends house with her that night and met up with my friends late the next night before the concert and never done half as many of the drugs that I believe caused my HPPD... oh well.

 

As you said, I'm also grateful to this website as you all are the only people who could grasp what I say and feel. My mom is the only one who truly tries to empathize with me and I can see how heart broken she has been as of late dealing with all of our stress outside of my HPPD. Yet despite her best efforts, she can never imagine how I feel and how I perceive reality on a daily basis.  

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Embalming fluid?... what will they think of next.

 

It is sobering to reflect on one's mistakes, but like is never experienced without some.  Were you knocked out during football/wrestling?  What happened to your brother?

 

Since you are not doing drugs and do healthy things, do you think it might be continuous stress that is making things worse right now?

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I truly feel for you two, Missjess and Sloveig. Well, I feel for everyone at this forum but your two experiences resonate with mine in a deep way. I've had what I believe to be HPPD for the better part of 2 years (as of the 22nd of this month) since I was 17 and it has largely crippled me mentally. It doesn't help that NO ONE that I know understands what I go through. On top of all this my family has been put through a lot with my younger brothers extensive debilitating illnesses that have left us with no funds for anything and moving multiple times a year from home to home (i.e. it's therefore hard for me to get treatments with no money and a constantly different location of living). My fiance has been through a lot in her life but even she can't understand what I've been going through and it really hurts me because I love her so much and I have this perhaps illogical fear of losing her due to my HPPD since there are many times recently that I just can't pull through and do things we could enjoy together. Stay in there, I wish the best for the both of you.

 

Hi BigPapaChakra

 

I really felt sad afer reading what u weote about not having enough money and having to move from place to place :( if theres anything I can do dont hesitate to send me a message

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