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What's the point?


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I've been HPPD stricken for 15 long painful years.
Sometimes I wish I could have ended it all at onset and spared me over a decade and a half of pain and misery.

I remember being "normal" and seeing the world without any visual anamolies, without enduring the panic, the anxiety and fear and I miss it. I had 27 amazing years of life and for that I'm greatful but everyday isn't a challenge as much as it is torture and I'm sick and tired of waiting for a ride that may never come. I'm tired of waiting for a cure, even someone in the medical field that can offer some glimmer of hope, that reserch relevant to this nightmarish condition is being researched, something. After all this time, all we really have is Dr. Abraham and he is old, too old to really make much of a dent I feel. There was some interest from Harvard Mclean but that lead just peetered out. I don't know what advice to give anyone with hardcore DP/DR with visual distortions. It might go away, it might not but in the present there simply is not enough attention paid to this trainwreck of a mental state and for that I feel like giving up. I can't take the day in and day out torture and abuse. I've tried medications, I've tried pills but they either do nothing, numb me or exacerbate the symptoms, I've tried supplements, vitamins, herbs and nothing works. This is what it's like being a zombie straight out of "The Night Of The Living Dead" and why nobody believes this to be true is ineffable to me. There is too much evidence pointing to a pattern that there is a significant percentage of people suffering from this condition so why the hell isn't anyone doing anything about it?! Coming on here to bitch and moan is great but it gets old after a while just as HPPD gets old (real quick). Acceptance may be possible for some but not for all of us. This is just too much terror to take in without a break day in and day out and I'm getting to the point where I can't see myself another 15 years from now living this way. It's just cruel. The whole world seems to be going by and I'm stuck in a 15 year holding pattern. This is literally a jail sentence and I wish there was something more I could do to get people able to make a difference to notice us more but 1.3 million views to this website hasn't made a dent. No grants, no research, no headlines, no nothing. I miss some of the old faces I used to see back in the stormloader days. They are all gone. All of them. Some accepted it and just gave up coming on this board and some just checked out I'm sure. I just can't sustain myself, hold a job and survive this way. Even assuming something might come along to help us one day, I may be living in a cardboard box with a cup in hand hoping beyond hope that some kind, benevolent genius will figure out the mystery that is HPPD. No man, I won't live in destitution and subject myself to the horror of homelessness in the greatest country in the world (sarcasm) I'd sooner off myself. This is my big good bye everybody. No more posts, no more nothing. What's the point? Nobody gives a damn and we deserve this shit. We did it to ourselves at least that's what I'm told....

 

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Since I've acquired HPPD, I've: 


  • met a beautiful girl and gotten married
  • am 2 years done with a part time MBA program, finish in Dec.
  • received a promotion at my work
  • made memories that I will cherish forever
  • am expecting a baby boy in 3 months

I'm proof you can live a normal life again.

 

HPPD sucks, definitely. I hate to say this, but the best way to start feeling better is this easy - exercise every single day and eat healthy every single meal. Sugar makes HPPD worse, I'm convinced. That also means flour which converts to sugar. Don't wait on others to help you feel better, take charge of your situation. Run, meditate, exercise your brain, eat well!!! I can;t emphasize this enough, diet is a big factor in my symptoms. When i eat poorly, processed foods, sugars, soda, etc...my symptoms spike big time. I had the greatest bit of recovery when I ate healthy and exercised. I'm back at it, and it does wonders. I'm a firm believer that I can exercise my brain function back. 

Hang in there. I'm at 7 years right now. I know it's only half of your battle, but things are getting progressively better every day. Be healthy, be positive.

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I'm only going onto year 6 but sort of same situation. Someone to talk too helps a lot man.someone to relate to on any level.i found someone who has this and have texted them and every time there's a response, for some reason makes everything instantly better. My number is 812-216-0946 if you ever wanna give it a try. I know it helps me out a lot maybe them to, I have no idea sometimes responses are slim which is understandable.

There is potential to live a normal life.i know it's there,just a matter of finding it. Above poster is a perfect example.

Seriously hit me up if you need anything

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It's very difficult, a life sentence for some of us (18 years in).

 

Be thankful you got 27 years of normality.... I got the early stages of this shit when I was 15 and full meltdown at 17... I've not lived a day of my adult life knowing what normal is and drugs have also stripped me of most of my memories before.

 

BUT......

 

Life does go on, I am married, own my own business working form home, travelled the world and lived in a foreign country for 11 years. It is still dripped in anxiety and mental illness, but it is an interesting life, none the less.

 

Keep on fighting.

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This is becoming the theme of HPPD recovery : try to manage your state of mind in the face of the symptoms, hang in there, get help and support, and it is possible to recreate a life.  You will have a different way of seeing, and perhaps feeling, the world, but your brain can adapt, people are incredibly strong and resilient.  

 

If you contact me via PM, you can try a guided relaxation tape that I had made, see if it helps you with managing your feelings, anxiety. Hang in there!

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