Jump to content

I cant do this anymore...EVERYTHING is getting worse


bpl4269
 Share

Recommended Posts

I dont know where to begin. My lyme disease is coming back and not responding well to antibiotics. This is what I believe is causing my visuals to go haywire. My negative afterimages and nighttime trailing are absolutely horrendous (worsening every day), wobbling edges is becoming much more prominent, trailing of moving objects during the day is coming back, and my anxiety is through the roof because I just stopped taking klonopin after taking it every day for 3 weeks. Oh, on top of that I thought I had met a nice girl who I maybe had a future with who knew what hppd was and sympathised with me, but she stopped talking to me. Needless to say, Im crushed. I honestly cannot think of a reason why I shouldnt kill myself now and save myself from more needless suffering. How the fuck am I supposed to accept the fact that everything continues to worsen, even after months upon months of sobriety? Im going to try and tough it out for a bit longer until the 13th where I might get a script for keppra, but after that, who knows what the fuck im going to do. Ive lost so much progress both mentally and physically. Ironically this downturn began after I saw dr abraham. I need advice. Im fucking desperate. Im feeling hateful, self destructive, and fed up with life and people (including my family). Suicide has never felt like a more realistic possibility and that scares the hell out of me.

  • Upvote 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The problem is, ive taken three different antibiotics in the past month and a half in the hopes that it would help, but only one of them seemed to make any difference at all. That only lasted for about a week too. Now if I dont find something that works for my lyme, then I dont see why my visuals cant get indefinitely worse. That is a terrifying thing to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

also .. just to throw this out there.. dont give up hope that a change of doctor may not help as well. after years of having no luck identifying the source or a full body allergic reaction i have had on and off... i finally came accross an allergist who knew what he was doing and he was able to identify it as a severe form of dermatographism ... which just happens to be the first thing i told a doctor i thought it was 6 years ago :| .. and was told noo noo.. thats not it..

 

needless to say im hoping that having a true proper diagnosis and taking a balance of meds to specifically target that disorder.. maybe i'll get some relief from it . the problem is that 9 out of 10 doctors would never be able to make that diagnosis because its not a common disorder, and only specialists that have had experience with it would have went there that quick with the diagnosis. so i guess the point of this is, while you may not be finding the help you need now, dont stop yourself from trying.. because you will eventually find that one doctor who does know what they are doing who is willing to try to help. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

Hi bpl4269 how are u feeling now ? I'm going through a hard time at the moment I've had hppd for 2 years and just as I was on the road to recovery I have a uti and they've tried 3 different anti biotics which are making my visuals worse and my uti is still here so looks like I'll be taking more not only that I have really bad reactions to medication so I'm freaked out , do u have any reactions to medication ? Take care lianne

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey guys Id like to throw a bit of info your way. I know its tough and easier said than done, but I was browing some drug forums recently and found several people talking about how psychedleics improved their visualization and spatial memory. Now had they had a bad experience or unwanted cognitive change they would probably call it HPPD. But because they have a different outlook on these changes they view at as an improvement. We need to learn to accept what has happened.I believe strongly that psychedelics change your perception with every use whether you feel you have HPPD or not and how you handle it is dependant on your psychology. Initially I was horrified, but after awhile I was asking myself, why? Why does this scare me? Now I actually wonder weather or not I would accept a pill to reverse what these compounds have done for me. Its been a long hard journey but I don't remember what I was like before it. I don't know if I was a better person. Im not sure if my cognition would be "better" or if it would be just "different". We humans adapt to what we are dealt with and now that Im used to my mind and how it operates Im assuming reverting it back to how it was before could be yet another shock to the system. Who knows though. All I know is that I don't mind my current state of cognition and I utilize it to its fullest potential that its capable of. Im just trying to tell you that I did have suicidal and desperate time within the first few years of onset but it DOES get better. So hang tight! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey guys Id like to throw a bit of info your way. I know its tough and easier said than done, but I was browing some drug forums recently and found several people talking about how psychedleics improved their visualization and spatial memory. Now had they had a bad experience or unwanted cognitive change they would probably call it HPPD. But because they have a different outlook on these changes they view at as an improvement. We need to learn to accept what has happened.I believe strongly that psychedelics change your perception with every use whether you feel you have HPPD or not and how you handle it is dependant on your psychology. Initially I was horrified, but after awhile I was asking myself, why? Why does this scare me? Now I actually wonder weather or not I would accept a pill to reverse what these compounds have done for me. Its been a long hard journey but I don't remember what I was like before it. I don't know if I was a better person. Im not sure if my cognition would be "better" or if it would be just "different". We humans adapt to what we are dealt with and now that Im used to my mind and how it operates Im assuming reverting it back to how it was before could be yet another shock to the system. Who knows though. All I know is that I don't mind my current state of cognition and I utilize it to its fullest potential that its capable of. Im just trying to tell you that I did have suicidal and desperate time within the first few years of onset but it DOES get better. So hang tight!

Ok..... You try some psychedelics and report back to us on the "benifits".

It's hard to adapt to something that totally consumes you 24/7

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's so scary when it takes over ur life everyday the visuals changing and the anxiety the feeling of dispear and knowing u'd be better of dead cause then u'd have peace , everyday I cry and think why my vision of all things night time is unbearable and does anyone have migraines with aura and extreme virtigo? I excepted it when my visuals stabilised and I was happy but I'm back to square one if not worse after taking antibiotics my chemistry is so messed !!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Taking psychadelics to undo this damage is retarded.
As far as abx are concerened, I react quite horribly to doxcycline but can tolerate other abx.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.