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Sleeping is scary


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Just waking up from another scary night. Idk why didn't post this before maybe it was because it didn't happen every night like it is now, maybe I tried to ignore. This is BY FAR MY WORST SYMPTOM, and it happens every night. I go to bed and fall asleep nothing strange but when I wake up, I'm in hell. I wake up and no matter what I'm scared as fuck and i can't think straight, I start thinking about killing myself, my brain convinces me that my symptoms are so bad that there is no reason to live. Now I know it's not something along the lines of waking up from a nightmare and forgetting it but still being in a panicky state. I don't have nightmares just dreams that are so vivid that when I wake up I think that my dreams had actually happened. My dreams were like that from day 1 of hppd and this scary wake up thing did to but it went away. But since I relapsed on pot a week ago, it's been non stop. I don't take anything for sleep if that helps. Sorry for making it so long but can anyone relate, I need advice or something cause this is horrible.

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It should go away, when I relapse I get sleep paralysis at least once a week for a few weeks and usually the first week is real bad. I got sleep paralysis 4 times in a night earlier this week and one time I woke up I didn't know where I was and tried calling my brother out, who doesn't even live with me lol, but I couldn't even speak, it was just a real raspy whisper. But this goes away after a few weeks after a relapse for me. Really all you can do is ride it out and use it as a lesson not to do it next time. I've done relapsed to many times to count but they are getting worse each time and I have gotten a lot better, so hopefully my last relapse is my last relapse lol I really don't want to go through the aftereffects, it's not worth it for a day or 2 of fun.

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This happened when i developed anxiety about a month after developing the visual part of hppd. I guess it finally got to me. It eventually tapered off slowly but surely. these days,  im actually surprised that the first thing i think of upon waking isnt hppd. 

 

However, i dont know why but for some reason, if i try to take a nap (and on my stomach[not too sure about this part]) i wake up feeling really shitty, mildly anxious, and get some really fast heartbeats that shake my body but only occurs for like 5-10seconds after waking up from the nap. 

 

dont be too hard on yourself. remember that anxiety can play a big role in hppd and you are beating yourself up too much for relapsing even subconsciously. You should try to divert that energy into hope!

 

one thing that helped me was i would re-read my posts and think... why the fuck do i sound so anxious, i mean i took drugs to achieve these hallucinatory effects and now im scared shitless of them? must be some logical reason for this behavior.... hmm anxiety is a real bitch huh.. at the end of the day its just a distorted perception, it doesnt logically make sense that i would become suicidal just to avoid these phenomenon. that anxiety must be really tapping into my subconscious ... and then id try imagine my state of mind pre-hppd and just go from there and just distract myself by playing games/tv/movies... i also found it helpful to stay away from the forums somedays. as much of a support it is, its also a place of reminder that something is wrong with me but it kind of synergized with others. like how having pimples in middle school only becomes a problem when you're actually at school in an environment of other self-concious people.. 

 

apologies if this sounds stupid

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