Saber44 Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 Essentially, I feel like I would miss MDMA and psychedelics if I quit using them. They were what initially cured my depression and are old friends as well as tools for insight. I know that my HPPD will never improve unless I give them up but am hesitant to do so at the same time. Part of me feels like the hand I have been dealt is unfair I suppose. Why, after less than a dozen uses of psychedelics have I developed this disorder? I have acquaintences who have used psychedelics dozens or even hundreds of times with effects that only persist a day or so after they trip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ludwig80 Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 At first I missed them, or just being part of my group of friends doing them. I started doing drugs because I enjoyed the insight and I thought they would help me understand and become one with the world around me. Rubbish, all they taught me really was that my body is not invincible and to not take for granted the life I have now. It's important to realize that there's worse than things just not getting better, if you continue them, than things can easily get much worse and that should be larger concern. Find solace in other things - instruments and music is my outlet now. I can't recommend them enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merkan Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 Well, i have learned a lot about myself since i got HPPD, Why i felt the need to do drugs, why i pushed my friends away and especially why i behave(d) like i did. In the beginning i thought that it would be impossible to get threw life without psychs but in the end it all came down to filling a hole. A hole that had it roots with the lack of love. Dropping acid/shrooms/xtc etc. is easy but actually working for a meaningful life and walking the rough path to fulfillment that only applies to you is much more rewarding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jay1 Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 You say you know that you will not get better while using these drugs, this is true.... but... as Ludwig said.... the more important thing is that you could get worse, much, much worse. I'll assume, if you are still thinking of taking psychedelics, that you are not in an "every minute is a waking lsd hell" type of hppd? Do you really want the chance of getting severe hppd, just for another hit? Forget your friends being "lucky"... you don't know what is going on in their minds, they might be suffering from other side effects... alot of my friends who seemed to be immune to this stuff soon ended up with equally bad problem.. be it, they moved onto heroin/crack etc.. or ended up in prison or a mental hospital. It might end up that you are the lucky one who got early signs and managed to control it before you ruined your life. Try finding healthier ways to reach those levels of calmness and insight. I manage it through surfing and music... others here manage it through meditation or exercise. Good luck, Jay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cdfxsderer Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 "im going to meditate my ass off" -one of my very best friends meditiation can really help you get that inisight your looking for. and its free im sure youll enjoy it. but yeah taking psychedelics is the worst thing you can do i guarantee it will get worse. ive done MDMA about once a month for 3 months now and i can tell it gets worse everytime also its extremly hard to find pure mdma, most all MDMA is cut with meth, and meth is bad and you are very lucky you got to trip several times befor getting this. i got a full case after my first time frying Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pennyarcade Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 Dude no one here with HPPD is lucky, you are really going to have to address your mindset to get through this. I don't know the extent of your HPPD but thank fuck your not blind eh? And thank fuck you have the freedom to pursue drugs if you choose to. The drugs aren't going anywhere man just give them a break and see how you feel. "im going to meditate my ass off" -one of my very best friends meditiation can really help you get that inisight your looking for. and its free im sure youll enjoy it. but yeah taking psychedelics is the worst thing you can do i guarantee it will get worse. ive done MDMA about once a month for 3 months now and i can tell it gets worse everytime also its extremly hard to find pure mdma, most all MDMA is cut with meth, and meth is bad and you are very lucky you got to trip several times befor getting this. i got a full case after my first time frying Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saber44 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 Yeah, it could get much worse. At present my HPPD is a hinderance during the day. Static everywhere and my vision has gotten to the point where it is so blurry that it is difficult to see and read things. The worst of my symptoms manifest at night. Everything is obscured by static and I cant see more than a foot in front of me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saber44 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 True. I know alot of things will have to change regarding how I think about my situation before I am able to tackle this issue. I know now that any stimulant or psychedelic worsens my condition for at least a few days. I havent noticed any severe worsening of effects before my symptoms manifested themseles after using 2c-I. Lately I have been using 2cb sparingly and have noticed worsening symptoms the days after, but that seem to stabilize after a few days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pennyarcade Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 Are you self medicating yourself with these drugs ie doing it to escape the HPPD? Cos if you are you would be better of on Benzos and I don't recommend them lightly but you are fucking yourself over with these drugs man. If you can barely see and it gets worse after taking them you NEED to stop I don't know what more to tell you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saber44 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 No, not self-medicating. I dose responsibly (IE, 4 week breaks between MDMA). I only do psyches maybe every other week. I havent done psychedelics for 3-4 months prior to trying 2cb for the first time last week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pennyarcade Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 Thats not responsible lol... not at all. Try increasing the gap to 5 weeks and then 6 etc. You are not giving yourself a chance to even see where your baseline is i'm not surprised your vision is so fucked I bet if you gave it up for 3 months your vision would improve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pennyarcade Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 Sorry that last message was a bit cold. Just your best interests at heart I hope you get it figured out man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saber44 Posted May 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 S'all good. I was sober for 3-4 months before I gave up psychedelics as well. My vision didn't improve but also didn't worsen. I know in my heart I need to give everything up and not look back but MDMA and the rave culture is such a big part of my life. I know it's going to be tough Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Smith Posted June 3, 2011 Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 S'all good. I was sober for 3-4 months before I gave up psychedelics as well. My vision didn't improve but also didn't worsen. I know in my heart I need to give everything up and not look back but MDMA and the rave culture is such a big part of my life. I know it's going to be tough Just give it up. We've all had to. Would you like to get to the point where a SINGLE BEER will put you in a living hell for days? If you keep at it, one day you're gonna wake up and that static is gonna be the least of your worries man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saber44 Posted June 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 Yeah, I know I should. I need to find something else to make me happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Smith Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 Yeah, I know I should. I need to find something else to make me happy. Who am I to say anything man, I cant quit weed myself...it's the damn brain fog cycle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saber44 Posted June 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 I decided that I am sick of living with guilt and fear. I am sick of waking up, and looking in the mirror to see those sunken haunted eyes that yearn for sleep. I'm sick of spending money on things that will only bring me happiness fod a short time. I'm 18 years old and I feel like I'm 40. I haven't even started college yet. One last hurrah is in order with some friends and then I am taking a year break. If I don't see any improvement in a year...well...I'll see where I go from there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pennyarcade Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 Good for you mate. Try your best to stick it out 1 day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saber44 Posted June 10, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 Will do. I think I'll pick up exercise to fill the gap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Br0k3nS41nt Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 Crb, its super difficult for me to stay away from hallucinogens, especially when your main friend circle is a pretty heavy drug using group. I have not done proper hallucinogens since my initial shrooms trip which landed me here. That was 5 months ago, actually almost exactly to the date. I still smoke occasionally, with an increasing trend. Weed does not effect my HPPD as much in terms of an increase in baseline anymore, although when I smoke I trip balls, bad VS, bad movement, but that goes away. It is so difficult to stay away from harder drugs though, probably the shittiest aspect of this, when everyone around you is fucked out of their mind having a good time. Non-sober people, when you are "sober," are bummers to be around. I am not willing to smoke every time we go out yet and alcohol make me extremely dizzy even at the lowest doses. It is so alienating. I am now the designated trip sitter, driver, speaker in public, because they know I am sober. I don't mind and I still have fun, they are my friends, But, some days it just gets real hard to stay away from what looks fun, especially on some of my most difficult days. But its whatever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saber44 Posted June 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 Yeah I know. I can't go to parties sober. I get bummed out and bum people out as well. Totally sucks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Smith Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 Yeah I know. I can't go to parties sober. I get bummed out and bum people out as well. Totally sucks In a way man, but when I go to parties and drink and smoke I feel really foggy for 1-2 days after, and as the fog starts to clear, I start feeling happy, clear-headed, almost a bit manic, but thats just always how ive been... Eventually you just kinda get used to it, i pretend to drink a bit and laugh and get loud and noone seems to notice, including myself. if i were to drink and smoke though, Id forget everyones names whom i meet, i stutter, have trouble walking, etc...i see a blunt and I have a VERY hard time not hitting it,even though i know that it's fuckin me up in the long run and not as enjoyable as it once was...You just gotta see where youre at...give yourself some time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saber44 Posted June 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2011 How did you guys deal with your cravings? I''ve been getting back in to some old hobbies (reading, lightgloving, online gaming) which seems to help a bit. Whenever I start to get cravings I just try to find something else to do to keep me busy. I've found that looking in to a dark room where I can't see beyond a foot in front of me due to static and saying "One day I'll be able to see all this again" has proven effective as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucid206 Posted June 26, 2011 Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 that you are not in an "every minute is a waking lsd hell" type of hppd? Do you really want the chance of getting severe hppd, just for another hit? its all how you look at it man... many people with severe hppd are fine with it. do whats in ur heart, but use your brain first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saber44 Posted June 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2011 I've been sober 2 weeks tomorrow and have been walking/jogging 1.8 miles almost daily (the days I dont I play basketball with some friends for a couple of hours). I feel alot better about myself now that guilt has been lifted from my shoulders. I start college in the fall and I feel confident that I can do very well. I haven't noticed symptoms improving (in fact, just today I was noticing How I can see mini-fractals on certain shades of white with certain lighting conditions) but I am still hoping for the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now