disguyhere Posted August 28, 2013 Report Share Posted August 28, 2013 fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck .. going through a serious deep pit of depression today and I can't seem to reign it in. I'm used to dealing with daily drops into depression and suicidal thoughts and just letting them pass, but for some reason today seems different. I just can't turn off the fucking pain. I wish I could pin this all on hppd but things in my life are just bubbling to a head.. all the good the bad and the ugly ugly past rolling into one ball of god damn this fucking sucks. 3 more weeks and i can take a vacation, get away from a computer, and try to reset myself. 3 weeks left I have to make it day by day and not let this feeling overwhelm me. and it feels liek its going to be the hardest 3 weeks of my life. I normally keep a running total of the reasons why to stick around vs the reasons to let go and take a knife to my wrists. the sad thing is even though my life seems to be going better, the list of reasons to stick around is depleting more and more.. i think the only thing keeping me leaning towards the stick around side anymore is my puppy. no matter how bad it gets for me I cant think of leaving him alone without me. he wont even eat his food or drink water if I'm not around, let alone move from a spot in front of the door where he waits for me all day.. even that though is losing its weight in the war against the depression. I know i need to see a shrink. i know i need to get certain things out before they eat me alive from within.. but just admitting to someone these things will break me completely and totally and I havent been able to speak of them to more then 4 people total since i was 10.. i dont know how to do it now, 23 years later.. fuccccccck... i wish i had someone i could call to come watch me and stop me doing something stupid, but now i have to rely on myself to do that :\ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghormeh Sabzi Posted August 28, 2013 Report Share Posted August 28, 2013 Hang in there for better days. There's not always a lot we can do to help but we're here to listen and sometimes getting it off your chest does help somewhat. There's some good advice contained in a previous, related thread: http://hppdonline.com/index.php?/topic/2143-suicidal-thoughts/ Sometimes it can be difficult to talk to people you know or people face-to-face. Maybe it might be worth calling a number where you can remain anonymous and get things out of your system? Samaritans in the UK and known to provide a good service for that sort of thing and you can call them from anywhere (I don't know where you are located). There might be similar services located closer to home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
disguyhere Posted August 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2013 not even admitting things to others.. more admitting them to myself.. speaking things makes them more real. not like holding them back does any good :\ .. but some things when dug up have a way of coming out to more people then you want it to no matter how hard you try. plus of the 4 people who I've ever talked to about my past.. 2 are now dead, and 2 I no longer speak to. my ex fiance and former best friend. .. i know none of that had anything to do with knowing about my past but the track record is admittedly beyond fucked Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Syntheso Posted August 30, 2013 Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Man, big love to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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