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losing it


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.. going through a serious deep pit of depression today and I can't seem to reign it in. I'm used to dealing with daily drops into depression and suicidal thoughts and just letting them pass, but for some reason today seems different. I just can't turn off the fucking pain. I wish I could pin this all on hppd but things in my life are just bubbling to a head.. all the good the bad and the ugly ugly past rolling into one ball of god damn this fucking sucks. 3 more weeks and i can take a vacation, get away from a computer, and try to reset myself. 3 weeks left I have to make it day by day and not let this feeling overwhelm me. and it feels liek its going to be the hardest 3 weeks of my life. I normally keep a running total of the reasons why to stick around vs the reasons to let go and take a knife to my wrists. the sad thing is even though my life seems to be going better, the list of reasons to stick around is depleting more and more.. i think the only thing keeping me leaning towards the stick around side anymore is my puppy. no matter how bad it gets for me I cant think of leaving him alone without me. he wont even eat his food or drink water if I'm not around, let alone move from a spot in front of the door where he waits for me all day..


even that though is losing its weight in the war against the depression. I know i need to see a shrink. i know i need to get certain things out before they eat me alive from within.. but just admitting to someone these things will break me completely and totally and I havent been able to speak of them to more then 4 people total since i was 10.. i dont know how to do it now, 23 years later..


fuccccccck... i wish i had someone i could call to come watch me and stop me doing something stupid, but now i have to rely on myself to do that :\

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Hang in there for better days. There's not always a lot we can do to help but we're here to listen and sometimes getting it off your chest does help somewhat.


There's some good advice contained in a previous, related thread: http://hppdonline.com/index.php?/topic/2143-suicidal-thoughts/


Sometimes it can be difficult to talk to people you know or people face-to-face. Maybe it might be worth calling a number where you can remain anonymous and get things out of your system? Samaritans in the UK and known to provide a good service for that sort of thing and you can call them from anywhere (I don't know where you are located). There might be similar services located closer to home.

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not even admitting things to others.. more admitting them to myself.. speaking things makes them more real. not like holding them back does any good :\ .. but some things when dug up have a way of coming out to more people then you want it to no matter how hard you try.


plus of the 4 people who I've ever talked to about my past.. 2 are now dead, and 2 I no longer speak to. my ex fiance and former best friend. .. i know none of that had anything to do with knowing about my past but the track record is admittedly beyond fucked

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