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My log/diary. Extremely long, symptom list at the end.


etardnow
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Hello, instead of creating a thread for every new symptom i get (my apologies), I decided to create my introduction and also use it as a symptom list.

 

Im 23. First time using weed was around 17ish and weekly-daily started at 19-20ish. I am introverted, complex thinking, was very content, very chilled out(no enemies), handy, tech guy. (any similarities in personality among hoppers?) Somewhat depressed but not really because I was carry free/content. More of a extreme procrastinator than depressed.

 

In dec 2012, i tried MDMA for the first time. In the span of 6 month, i would go on to use it about 10 more times. I kind of abused in near the last 7ish times, doing it weekly and a couple times on consecutive days. It was never more than 2.5pills at a time. A few times were just 1, maybe less.

 

2 Shroom trips, 2-4grams, wasnt very exciting. First time, things were just hilarious and minor breathing/waves/ground moving, and grass glowing? 2nd time was more of a heavy body high, bringing back some of the prior LSD effect but nothing too special. Smoked a bunch of weed with it. Got hungry and had a bunch of pizza.

 

Out of my 3 LSD trips, i also took a small amount of MDMA for two occasions. (candy flipping).

 

 

1st time was 2 tabs, experienced tracers, beautiful lights, slight patterning on blank walls. Enhanced music, spent a lot of time watching lsd trippy things on youtube, etc. Tried some self emotional manipulation. No bad parts. 

 

I think this is when i noticed that text dance and paper mache ceilings would move (if i gave it enough  attention) even when sober. I thought it just came with the lifestyle of daily weed. I shouldve noticed it as wrong when my friend said he didnt notice it.

 

 

2nd time was 4 tabs. A bad beginning, puked because i ate 40minutes before ingesting LSD. Also because i felt bad for not sharing my LSD even though i could've. Eventually the anxiety was getting so bad, it felt like my vision was caving in on me, so i told the person about me not wanting to share (even though i didnt have to), to the person it was obviously nothing but to me i was dying lol. Got over that phase in an hour or two and everything was fine-ish. Experienced many effects, closed eye fractals, patterns pulsating a lot, face shifting in mirror, brain melting, couldnt articulate, a couple identity crisis that i could pull my self out of and then fall out into again because it took a lot of effort to hold it together (but i was relaxed so it didnt matter to let my self go). Couple of bong rips during trip, took a shower, lots of music, a couple shots, a dip of mdma, more weed smoking. Ended up not sleeping for 2 days. Though the LSD wore off, i remember smoking some more weed after not sleeping and having a depressional episode, basically feeling bad for my parents cuz i was fucked up the term.  Overall good trip.

 

3rd time was 2 tabs. Started out ok, didnt really want to trip but friend ask me to, ended up getting some bad vibes, i guess minor anxiety. Sent my friends home. After that it kind of evened out but i decided to cry again, getting emotional.. Trying to put my self into therapy mode again. Again, i didnt end up sleeping until the next night. Not a bad trip but not a good one.

 

My last instance of MDMA was at AVB concert. I usually peak hard because 1 pill doesnt give me anything at all until i take another or drink some alcohol. I peaked so hard i had to sit down for a bit, basically feeling so good that i couldnt use my brain lol. Ended up dancing the night away. Went to friends house and smoked weed for the comedown. 

 

Somewhere along the line of post LSD/MDMA, I did notice a change in the highs when I was smoking weed. I wasnt getting 'dumbed down'/high as much. (I guess another warning sign)

 

In mid may i was on my way to visit my parents in asia so what better way to spend the night smoking weed, eating 2 slices of magic brownies at the airport, drinking a cup of vodka at the airport lounge and then falling asleep before the plane even took off for its 12 hour flight. Didnt really get high off the brownies if at all, i guess i was too zombified. Plane food was alright. 

 

So with that my sobriety of drugs started.

 

Arriving in asia, i noticed that i lost some appetite and even eating a little bit made me full. I also noticed that drinking a lot of alcohol didnt get me drunk either. The hardships of drinking too much were there but i didnt really feel drunk. 

 

After a week, i felt energy less, random aches, anisocoria what not so i decided to go to the hospital. 

 

Doctor thought i was fine but i wasnt so i requested endoscopy. Had erosive gastritis, (i did have acid reflux problems prior). But i knew it wasn the cause of my symptoms so i requested an MRI. Found some minor lesion (that is 'normal' or something) and it didnt raise any bells with the neuro.

 

2nd-3rd week, i noticed some head pressure. I felt like my muscles were being weakened, slight knee buckling. I felt that i was lacking some micro-control in strength. 

 

It went on like this energy less/fatigue for a bit but i felt better. For about 3 days.


After feeling fine, while trying to sleep i felt stings all over my body. Like nerve conductions. And it came with a sudden onset of cherry angiomas. Doctors said the cherry angiomas were likely there before and that paresthesia was probably allergy. Eventually the stings/paresthesia subsided (took 10+ days iirc). 

 

Overall doctors tried to blame all my symptoms of stress,allergy, and whatnot. I had 0 stress. Looking back i guess stress wasnt really a wrong diagnosis due to the nature of hppd?

 

For the random aches and muscle jitters and chest tightness, i was prescribed some clebopride, paracetamol(acetaminophen), clotiazepam. Made me feel better but i noticed that it had some internal tremor withdrawal so i decided not to take it. 

 

Had tickets for a 2 day music festival and these medicines gave me the energy so i danced all night long and enjoyed the night. On the way home of my first night was when i noticed some ghosting on signs and lights. I blamed it on the bright lights of the festival and let it be. But now i believe one of those medicines triggered it. Especially since they are closely related with the medicines that affect hppd. (doapmine antagonist, benzo analog,)

 

From that day forward, ghosting got worse, starbursting, after images, trailer, floaters, very minor 'seeing the air', blue entoptic, anxiety, tinnitus, prostate infection.

 

I have my suspicion of anxiety and tinnitus on ciprofloxacin (antibiotic with a couple cases of hppders noticing a worsening of symptoms) but it didnt start until about a week in to it. 

 

Symptoms:

It could be unrelated but it all started with my body going haywire.

Also, ill be trying my best to list it chronologically.

 

Text/pattern movement (very mild and fluid/calm like)

Loss of appetite, feeling full with little food. (varies)

Didnt get drunk. (sober)

Erosive gastritis (gone)

Exhaustion (gone and came back)

Weak knees (gone?)

Slight change in muscle control (gone)

Headpressure/Dry eyes (remains)

Cherry angioma (once it appears, it stays but no new onset imo)

Random zaps/stings. [paresthesia?]  (gone, lasted over a week in a subsiding fashion)

Ghosting, starbursting, bright lights,floaters,blue entoptic (slowly getting worse, can be manipulated by squinting/eye muscle)

After images, closed eye snow?(purple) (remains)

Headpressure (constant), slight shrinkage in blood vessels in head/brain. 

Fluctuating blood pressure and pulse. 

Anxiety? ( i blame pulse, it comes and goes and is really random)

Racing thoughts, vivid dreams, insomnia, tremor. (70% of the time since developing 'anxiety' 2 weeks ago)

Wobbling edge (rare..for now) 

 

I also recently noticed that when I look at something about 70 cm away and open my eyes really wide, whatever im focus on shakes up and down. Weird thing is that it has to be at that range of distance, if my focus is any closer or further, it doesnt shake. How weird is that. 

 

DP/DR? i dont know if i have it. if i do its really minor. There was a time when i felt that my arm was kind of not mine but my mind is stronger and rationalizes it away. I had some existential anxiety due to hppd.

 

When i first found out my vision was hppd, i didnt even really care. I question why i developed my 'anxiety'. I think anxiety is a symptom of hppd and not a co-morbid thing. It really comes and goes at random and when i dont have it, i dont even care about my hppd because the visuals are pretty minor and i dont know if i have dp/dr. maybe my 'anxiety' is really dp/dr having a bad day? hmm. 

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My sleep has somewhat improved.

I can sleep. always dreaming of course, dreams are more dream like vs day-dreaming.

Still vivid and memorable. 

 

Once I wake up, I cant fall asleep again. I guess this is good once i start school again in sept :\ 

4-7Hours seems to be the max my brain can remain somewhat asleep.

Though my brain is always open to outside stimulation. 

Wakening tremors have decreased significantly but still there. 

 

Anxiety is down or even gone. Worries i have some but i dont consider them anxiety. 

simultaneously, my High blood pressure and high pulse fluctuations have stabilized. 

I've never had anxiety before and it only took 2 weeks for this problem to appear and disappear(hopefully).

 

Maybe its the fact that im new to anxiety but FOR ME, i dont think its a co-morbid/separate symptom of hppd, rather just hppd.

Headpressure has decreased a bit. 

 

If i look at the fact that my transcranial doppler ultrasound confirms faster/increased blood flow to the brain (shrinked vessels), i can assume my heart pulse/bp is going to be abnormal and also cause anxiety. like how caffeine can do so.   

 

I never had anxiety before, and having back non-anxious level is something to cherish so if and when it comes back ill remind myself its just a symptom flareup and let it run its course.

 

Visuals have slightly worsened though.

Text dancing is more noticeable. Night vision seems to have worsened but cant say that with confidence.

 

One thing i noticed is that ghosting doesnt occur when i am looking up at whatever was ghosting when i was looking straight at it.

 

Also, loud squeaking sounds when i rub my eyes indicating dry eyes. 

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visuals slowly getting worse. text moving more noticeable,

CEV is like watching a very faint tesla sphere, or an outline of a purple flamed campfire ish, very faint so its hard to distinguish.

 

I feel like visual snow is ready to present itself but still faint enough that its hard to distinguish.

 

was able to sleep for 7ish hours for 2-3nights but today my exhaustion/tiredness came back and when i tried to take a nap, hearing random sounds and tremors were there; basically my brain not being able to shut down again.

 

I hope i can sleep tonight.

 

Also, ghosting/double vision is less clear. The ghosting/doubles are more blurry and halo-ey and expand further. 

 

I find it interesting that many people including me post about how sleep deprivation relieves symptoms for them. Anyone care to comment on this?

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I was able to sleep 'well' again but naps are a no-go again.

 

Same results as yesterday. I guess im kind of happy to find some consistency in what works for me and doesn't though not in my favour. 

 

Even though i get tired (probably food coma/boredom) as little as 5hours after waking up  and doing nothing, if i try to nap, my brain wont shut down. Ill be falling asleep but ill have this 'buildup' of not being able to fall asleep and then i decide to make a movement which wakes up my body with a tremor. 

 

lol it doesnt even phase me anymore, i would like to nap though... or have a 12hour sleep session. i miss those days.

 

I'll be going back home n 2 weeks but im worried how that will fuck up my relatively stabilized circadian rhythm. 

 

Usually i just spend 24+hours awake and then sleep on the night of my arrival but i dont know if i can do that anymore. I'll probably won't be able to sleep on a plane, as i can barely even sleep now. Its going to be such a long flight (10hrs). 

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Just got back from a drive.

 

Worsened night vision is confirmed, though it is not debilitating yet, far away things become darkened significantly.

 

If i open my eyes wide, starbursting and night vision is improved but it brings out a complete ghosting/double vision on LEDs. I hope it doesnt get to the point that i cant drive at night.

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Smoked a few cigarettes today. Had no effect on my hppd (or unnoticable).

 

 I'm not your average smoker. I guess a social smoker is a close term. I do enjoy the feeling of smoking but i dont think ive experienced the smokers euphoria that a lot of smokers experience. in fact i get a massive 30 minute headache if i smoke too much/fast. 

 

recently for the past week-ish, ive had some stomach burning sensation and lots of farting.

Also somethings that are on my mind is:

The development of tonsil stones during my onset of hppd. 

Quite a few times, ive had a bump form on my skin like a mole but colour different. I would rub it for a bit and then it would disappear.

It even happened on the roof of my mouth once but it was like a pimple sized. I rubbed it with my tongue intermittently during a few minutes and then it went back in while i was rubbing it.

 

Sometimes i wonder if i have a parasitic disease or lyme or something and not hppd. But i have no idea how i would even bring it up with the doctors, theyll probably think im a hypochondriac of some sort. 

 

Ill have to come up with a game plan when i return to Canada (my home country), havent seen a doctor there yet for anything as this all started on the day i arrived in asia (along with sobriety) 

 

also i think i get exhausted/fatigued really fast :\

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The one thing i enjoy about HPPD is that I can look at pictures in 3D. I guess the slight movement of things create that effect. Works well on nature/space photos :)

 

know exactly what you mean... my normal stereoscopic vision is toast.. but i look at a picture with clearly delineated colors and contrast and it looks like what i "remember" 3d to be... I have a series of nature pics as my wallpaper on my computer and some of them i can swear feel like their reaching feet backwards through my monitor.

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Pictures like waterfall become real and looks like the water is flowing, depending on how i focus.

 

I noticed today that if i have a flashlight(phone) near my eyes, resulting in the constriction of my pupils, ghosting is gone. 

 

Maybe overall visual stimulation is greatly reduced by LSD so the brain/eye tries to get all the stimulation it can but when something bright like a flashlight is right infront of my eyes, its overloaded with stimulation so the brain doesnt need to do that hppd effect? lol starbursting still there though so blahhhh 

 

I should visit an opto. Also noticed a increasing number of blood vessels in eye. probably due to dry eyes (which i didnt have b4 hppd)

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Thinking about trying Xanax 0.125mg or more as a diagnostic tool. 

 

The thought of my HPPD being something else (lyme disease, MS, parasitic infection, viral infection, candida, lupus, CFS and others) has always been on the back of my mind. 

The fact that some of my symptoms are completely unique to me has always been for lack of a better word, worrisome. 

 

Maybe its the lack of reports from others but some symptoms i believe are completely unique to me are:

Joint pains(knee, hip, back)

Sudden onset of cherry angioma and moles (stopped)

nerve zapping paresthesia (stopped)

Sensitive skin(running my fingernail along skin will create red impression for a bit)

development of tonsil stones and the continued sensation that tonsil stones (sign of parasitic infection?)

Epididymitis(Doctor recently said it might be muscular?[i forget what he said, maybe CFS] problem rather than an infection, which i now group with random body aches)

Weakened legs, my legs start shaking after a day out.

Also, in the very beginning i had a minor issue with muscle control, and lots of body ache/twitching.

 

Even including some of the medical results which i believe are unique to me? or lack of testing on others are:

Edematous hyperemic erosions on antrum (increased blood flow and fluid accumulation to opening of stomach)

Narrowing of cerebral arteries resulting in faster cerebral blood flow. (from transcranial ultrasound, not mri)

Microangiopathy-High signal lesion in periventricular and deep white matter.

Parenchyma(neurons and glial cells) diffuse atrophic change (describes a loss of neurons and the connections between them)

Ischemia(restriction of blood to brain) or infarction(necrosis due to no blood=no oxygen) by microangiopathy 

 

Its interesting that some of these are the reasons we hypothesize to be the cause of HPPD yet other's MRI's have come clean while mine is as such.

Doctor thinks its just poor blood circulation and possibly the start of chronic migraine (which i dont have). It should be noted that MRI was done at my request and it was right before I developed visual symptoms. 

 

Also my head-pressure has decreased significantly also decreasing my fluctuating blood pressure and pulse and with that, pretty much no anxiety. As i mentioned before, I question if I really developed and learned to cope with anxiety in 2 weeks or was it just a physically caused symptom. 

 

From the visuals aspect, they are definitely things other hppders have.

One new visual symptom i noticed this week was that I sometimes  find that a light source flickers off from behind. It started in the bathroom so i suspected dying light bulb but it happened again outside. Anyone else have this one?

I find my eyes tiring out easily more than ever and dry and is much more relaxed when its focused far away. 

 

Tinnitus was always a constant high pitched one for me but i noticed a change. The constant is either changing to a pulsation or a new pulsating of a different pitch has been added, hard to tell. Improving or worsening? :\ 

 

I'll be heading back home to Canada next week and I dont know even know where to begin with a doctor in explaining everything along with HPPD. Ill probably just be labeled a hypochondriac or something? I usually just go to a walk in clinic for colds and such so I dont even know what kind of doctor I should go to. I doubt a walk-in doctor attends to these cases? 

 

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Thoughts anyone? 

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