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Good afternoon readers. I am here to  of course introduce myself and  shed some light as to why i am actually here. I don't blame you if you aren't going to take the time to read everything because i know this isn't anything new or special to anybody out there.

 

My story is possibly much like yours

I was in fantastic health, average joe, outgoing, i had a good head on my sholders and was smarter than anybody around me. It was all planned out almost and i had everything i thought i would need for the trip.


What a fool i was to misjudge these substances as recreational drugs to be enjoyed recklessly with no thought other than the intentions of getting completely wacked

 

Of course now im a programmed robot functioning on very bad levels of energy. I felt the transformation inside my very soul after the first time i dropped and hence my life was changed forever for what i thought was the greatest thing to ever come to my average life.

I am unable to drive due to my convoluted depth perception and visual hallucinations and have been unemployed for 4 years. I do think i have uncovered some mental illness as i pretty much live inside my own head having intense grandoise delusions of being somebody i should not claim i am...

 

I find myself always thinking about the future, when my parents are going to die, how can i go on without them i am devastated enough if i lose a goldfish. I know i would probably end my life because my parents are my life line and are the ones keeping me safe.. and with their unconditional love i have never recieved from anybody else i just cannot live without, how can i take care of myself if i cannot even do things a normal human being can do without transforming. I want to get out there IN THE REAL WORLD and get a nice job, a pair of wheels, and finish my schooling.. more than anything.. But the anxiousness, the dysphoric excitement and paranoid/grandoise thinking is remnicesnt of my stimulant/meth abuse. I have been off speed for 7 months now and have no desire to ever consume it again; same ballpark as my use with psychedelics witch was more than constant.

 

I went to the doctor and all he did was scold me for taking LSD & wrote me a script of xanax...

it barely takes the edge off. I try to get as much excersize as i can but it stresses me more and triggers more hallucinations, i also meditate but with the same results and sometimes worse. Floating on my back in a nice warm pool seems to be my only salvation.

 

Introduce yourself!

 

- Transform

 

 

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out of shared interest.. what forms has your meditation taken? .. i practice what i like to call eye dancing.. i'll sit in any comfortable balanced position with my eyes closed try to focus on the point in my visual field where the data from both eyes combines into one image.. the closer I get to focusing on this point, a point with 0 information will appear.. the point where our visual pathways crosses is a blind spot for everyone but what i've found is if i focus on this center, and move my eyes in relation to the center I will have a specific significant impact on the noise in my visual field. certain movements make the noise more vibrant certain things make it quiet, and others turn it into a raging whirlpool of clouds rotating around the center. 

 

when i need to rest my mind i try to black out the wash.. when i try to rest my body i jump into the whirlpool.. when i have a problem i need to solve i let loose with the noise.. 

 

i'm definitely interested to hear what approach you've taken

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out of shared interest.. what forms has your meditation taken?

 

I usually sit/lay in a comfortable position and eventually begin to let go of things, but after so much letting go it makes me feel empty but at the same time il be slapped in the face with the comeup of excitement..like something inside me pipes up and says "Hey! what do you think you are doing you can't get rid of me we are best pals remember all the good times we had!" its like this voice is mocking me and trying to make me go back into that...utterly dysphoric wonderland and i would then get sidetracked from the meditation and wouldnt be able to remain focused because of the immersive arguements with my inner self.

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i enjoy the finer points of arguing with myself often.. when trying to sleep.. when driving to work.. when cursing out people at work who have no business being senior management... i like to sometimes visualize myself arguing with myself while arguing with myself.. like picture a few different versions of myself and let them go at it.. usually most with the same opinion but arguing with themselves just for the sake of it.

 

ah the joys of the depths of our minds

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ahhh i should perhaps have included the </sarcasm> tag on that statement... i'm always forgetting to do that on the sarcastic responses i end up putting online.... le sigh

 

but yeah.. no.. i dont actually enjoy it.. just my very poorly wroded sarcastic way of saying i know exactly how you feel on those inner conversations

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ahhh i should perhaps have included the </sarcasm> tag on that statement... i'm always forgetting to do that on the sarcastic responses i end up putting online.... le sigh

 

but yeah.. no.. i dont actually enjoy it.. just my very poorly wroded sarcastic way of saying i know exactly how you feel on those inner conversations

Further proves my point!!!! Maybe i should have mentioned in the OP i cannot percieve sarcasm... im not trying to justify anything either

Whoa my mind

Lol im sorry you feel the same way honestly i was about to say how the hell does this person enjoy mind-boggling torture o.O

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