My HPPD story.

[Dylan L]

I'm not writing this story for my own personal need to tell it but am rather hoping someone new to HPPD may read it and see that HPPD isnt a mental death sentence and that life can go on, and very successfully for that matter...

I woke up with HPPD 5 years ago when I was in my grade 12 year of high school. As I remember it, me and some friends were partying on LSD and just doing as we normally did. When I woke up the morning after, I was still hallucinating as if I was peaking on the acid, but paid no mind to it. I remember thinking... "It's maybe just some real strong acid..." Speaking to my dad that morning, I told him about it and he said back when he used to do LSD he's been high for 48 hours before any type of comedown, so that made me feel better. I went to school, came home, rinse repeat. 1 week later, im still hallucinating at peak level of an acid trip. Now I'm scared. I told my Dad around this time, who of course tried to tell me i was fine, not wanting me to panic. Subtly over the next month he told me about HPPD, and the warning signs of it. Over the next months I diagnosed myself with HPPD and took hold of the horrible situation, I told myself "You are NOT letting this ruin your life, and dont even THINK about suicide."... months past...

Now I'm drug free, but I still drink alcohol, standing there on graduation day, on acid basically... went to the grad party all fucked up... god right hammered drunk but turned down all the drugs. To this day, I havent gotten high ONCE. which has immensly helped me cope with the illness we all have.

I joined the Canadian Armed Forces 1 week after graduation. I was scared to because of my fucked visuals, but lo-and behold, i passed my psych evaluation with flying colors and was accepted for basic training. The funniest thing happened the night before I flew out to st. jean Quebec for basic training, My visuals just, stopped. Now i still had everything moving around and starbursts and whatnot, but all the morphing and faces in objects had stopped. I didnt know why, and still dont know why they stopped, and at such a convinient time yet...

But anyway, over the 5 years I've been in the army, it kept going down and down until the first time i went to Afghanistan. All was well until the first time my squad and I came under attack. After the encounter, the extreme stress of knowing, "Damn, we could have been killed!" hit me, and i started hallucinating like i hadnt for months before... I came to the conclusion then and over the next 12 months of my tour and over many more hostile encounters with enemies that HPPD is strongly effected by extreme stress.

On my second tour in Afghanistan I told the psychiatrist about what happened my first tour, and about my HPPD. (and only because me and her became close during our service time, and was sure she wouldnt say anything, to anyone.) She then began to tell me about stories shes heard of schizophrenics challenging their mental condition by taking their stress levels to the extreme, and facing it, then overcoming it. I took this to heart and applied for CSOR (A special operations division of the Canadian Forces) the day after I made it home from my tour.

From this point on, all i can say is that I was accepted into CSOR. I can't say how I did it, where I've gone or what I've done. I can say however, that the extreme stress of the crazy training program associated with CSOR pushed my not just my body, but my mind to the limit, pushing my HPPD to the breaking point. At times I felt like I was borderline mental psychosis. After those times, and upon being accepted into their ranks, I've never had LSD-like HPPD visions. They tamed down so much I can go through most days without even noticing them. If I really look for them, I can easily see the visuals, but for the most part, THEY ARE GONE. Challenge the HPPD. Don't let it take control of your life, be stronger and control IT. most importantly... STAY CLEAN. I can't stress that enough, I have not gotten high since the day I took that LSD...

As for nowadays, I'm still in the Canadian Forces, still a member of CSOR and will be applying for JTF2 as of January 2013, which will push me to my breaking point x10, hopefully simultaneously pushing the last remnants of HPPD out of my brain. =)

Good luck to you all.

Just know.

YOU. CAN. BEAT. IT!!!

[miketusa]

God damn. That gave me goosebumps. That's amazing, a truly inspirational story. Thanks, for that. I really, really enjoyed reading your story. So are your visuals nearly gone? Do you still drink? It's a very interesting story, to say the least. It's interesting because many people here, including myself, battle hppd with medicine, and supplements. Here, it seems you have conquered by merely challenging it out right. Not to take away from the obvious stress, and obstacles you have overcome, this just seems a much more direct, and effective measure of battlement.

[Dylan L]

Thank-you for your appreciation, It really does warm my heart =) My visuals have subsided to extreme lows. I still notice objects moving around in counter-clockwise cirlces if I stare at them long enough, starbursts are semi-common but nowhere near as intense as they were 5 years ago for myself. Sometimes If I'm stressed out I can see walls start to breath and other light, mushroom-like phenonenon. For the most part, my visuals are so discreet that I barely ever notice them. I go through life like a normal person, the only times i notice the visual snow or other symptoms is when i need to look at pictures or stuff similar to that!

Yes, I still drink, more-so than when I was dong drugs. I found that drinking helped my HPPD by stunting the hallucinations, but only for a short while. Alcohol is by no means, a cure for this illness. I just want to tell you, and anyone else who may read this, alcohol is dangerous, DO NOT let it's anti-halucinatory effects be your pseudo cure for HPPD. It will NEVER cure your visuals but it WILL turn you into an alcoholic. The only reason i'm not an alcoholic is because I was addicted to ecstasy when i was 16 for a year and killed the addiction cold turkey, so alcoholism was trivial for me, easy to stave off. To this day, I get drunk every Friday without fail, sometimes Saturday as well.

I've heard about all the mediicines out there and seratonin inhibitors that are availiable but I never wanted to try them, because they would have showed up in my blood analysis when i initially joined the army, which would have basically told the docs i had HPPD an would have disqualified my entry.

Do meds help at all? I've taken a totally different course, as the story shows, but have no knowledge of medicinal intervention for HPPD. Any success?

[miketusa]

Well, it's hard to say. Personally, I have had very limited interactions with meds, as far as treatment for this condition goes. There are quite a few who use different anti-depressants and anti-seizure medications with a wide margin of success. Some people it helps in leaps and bounds, some people see little to no effect. I have been taking supplements habitually, and recently (today) began taking an anti-depressant. In all honestly, my symptoms have remained the same thus far. And as I am sure you know, some days are better than other, as are some weeks. The majority, thankfully, has been relatively painless. However, in comparison to many, many users who populate this forum, my symptoms are relatively mild. Personally, my symptoms are on most days in recent memory purely visual, mainly star bursting. It is interesting that you drink weekly and still see a recession in your symptoms. It's actually very exciting to me. The one thing that plagues me most is the inability to drink. I come from a family where drinking is very prevalent. I don't drink often, especially now. However, I am going to a wedding, and of course there will be celebratory drinking. Either way I would have indulged, but is much easier knowing there are a few HPPDers out there, that still drink! So thanks for answering my question. And don't worry, I am not a very habitual person, in any sense of the term.

[Dylan L]

Well it is really nice to see that others have benefited from medical treatment. I can only imagine that anti-depressants would progress the illness in a terrible way due to the nature of the drug itself? Have you had negative experiences with alcohol due to your HPPD or have you just been to scared to indulge because of the fact that you have HPPD? because I can tell you in confidence, that alcohol LESSENS the hallucination, and definatly does no intensify them. Thus is why I said in my second post it is a "Pseudo Cure". If you ever want any help, please, feel free to text me. 1-306-621-6832. Its saturday, im in the army so its government, i have weekends off haha =)

[miketusa]

I'm not depressed, to be honest. I'm just taking it to see how it affects my HPPD. I'm not really sure, at first it seems like it did, right when my HPPD started. I have drank since then, and not so much. At first I would be really out of it the next day and detached and it may have sparked some visual symptoms. I have drank since then though, with no problems. I think my HPPD has settled, so now it doesn't seem to affect it. Haha thanks for the help. Must be nice! I always thought I might like to live in Canada someday.

[WillManDudeGuy]

Thats awsome. Ive had hppd for over a month which isn't shit compared to you but I've already started to change my lifestyle in the past couple weeks. I was getting high everyday until i found out several weeks ago that i have hppd and haven't smoked since. Ive also been living a healthier life, started exercising again, and eating better because people said that helps. Reading this has assured me that continuing this really will help. Thank you. Im really motivated now. I really can't tell you hoe much this helps me.

[Dylan L]

Will. You are going to have ups, downs and turnarounds with this illness. Just always be strong of heart and mind, never let it get ontop of you. Maintain your healthy lifestyle, your on the right track to loosing this demon. Challenge it, tell it that your in control, just never let the hallucinations get the better of you, and before you know it, youll be living 4, 5 days and you wont even notice one visual. Yeah you will notice now and then but at this point you wont worry AT ALL about them! you'll be completely fine man =)