mikethemerc1 Posted September 6, 2012 Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 I know I've mentioned it too much already but i don't think I can shake this again. I feel even if I beat this again it'll only come back again by some other fucker that lights up a joint. Why i ask god, what is the point. The first time I thought it was a test this time just confirms I'm cursed. Yet when i was Better I took it for granted. I'm so distraught at the idea that only a little pot smoke did this and even more that it could be PTSD, if that's the case then I somehow retriggered hppd on my own, which is petrifying. I have had everything taken away from me, all my hard work, my recovery destroyed because of one kid wanting to light up in my face, why doesn't hppd happen to him? Why me? I have hardly done that many drugs period. I need answers, I need support, I was a failed marine, a failed writer, a failed musician, but the one thing I did in my life was beat hppd, that was my claim to fame, and now that's gone. I have so much research I've done on this condition but it all leads to nothing except that I have to relive this horrible condition. I'm paranoid that everything I eat is drugged, I know it's not but this time around I'm more petrified than the the first time. I... Just can't rationalize this there's no explanation. Theres only one way to cure and that's to accept and move on and make it fade. I want to eat drugs right now though, l dopa keppra, painkillers, benzos, anything to make me forget the last 2 months of relapse. I have moments of inspiration and moments of desperation, times where I am in total isolation of my mind. My body is riddled with tremors, I can't think straight, all I can do is sit and wait. Wait for some permanent cure, wait for it to pass again. I'm lucky I know, compared to some of you. But I feel like I was released from prison and then framed and thrown back in. My father did 25 years total in prison and he is the only one who can relate. But I am not a criminal so why is this my fate? I don't know guys. Im sitting with my ka bar knife again, like the first time. Everyday I wonder If I should just bleed out and be done with it. I don't want to discourage any one, I got better once but I think I'm more of a lost cause than just hppd. If it passes I don't know if I can live with the fear. Sorry if this is misplaced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgrade Posted September 6, 2012 Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 Dude----I understand. Someone lit up a joint and it drove me to beat that person up, and i got in trouble. Because you got HPPD it makes everything harder (writer, musician, marine etc). Your best bet at this point is work on writing because that (for me) seemed least affected. I understand the hyper-vigilance and thinking everything is drugged, because i've been thru it. I actually wouldn't throw out the possibility that that is what could have happened. Embrace the conspiracy-theorist attitude. Because chances are at least one of your ideas must be true, no doubt. Stick with me and we can discuss the corrupt gov't. Once you get over this, you won't be a failed anything. Just do whatever needs to be done so you CAN get past this with time. In the mean time, stay hydrated, eat when you are hungry, proper sleep, take ibuprofen and aspirin, and try to get a small amount of benzodiazepines. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miketusa Posted September 6, 2012 Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 Damn, dude. I can't imagine to know what any of that feels like. I'm a bit of a writer myself. Needless to say, HPPD doesn't help that. Honestly, I don't think anyone can fail at writing. I think that's something that's just always with you. It changes as you change, and I find it very therpeutic. I get very scared sometimes, that I'll always be stuck. Stuck with this disease, staring at lights, and the walls. Just to check, if maybe it finally went away. The thing is, I think the fact that it went away once is more than any blessing you could hope for. I think that means it will go away again. Just keep on truckin through it. That's all there is that we can do. It comes down to survival. Just try and stay as comfortable as you can, and hope for the best. It's one hell of a waiting game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikethemerc1 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 Thanks guys, I just get emo lately with this. Hell mgrade I saw that kid after this happened again the one who lit the joint and it took all I had not to strangle him. I realized it wouldn't take it away. As for conspiracy against me I doubt it, I'm paranoid about getting a closed coke bottle from a convenience store, not uncle Sam. I was fine after I got discharged and it was a long while after that I got hppd and it was directly after ayahuasca. So I'm to blame, I'm just working on fixing the brain fog, dp dr, and agoraphobia, the static can stay I don't mind it. Any suggestions that I haven't tried? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikethemerc1 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 And know, nothing is forever, good or bad. I know there's Such thing as 100 percent and it is there, you just won't know it when it happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jay1 Posted September 6, 2012 Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 Just concentrate on the positives.... You are one of the minority (that post here) that actually got better. Chances are it will happen again.... then you just have to be really aware of your surrounding and the people you hang around with. I'm not sure how old you are, but the older you get and the more you settle down, the less you will ever be in a situation where joints are being passed around. If you end up in a place that might have people smoking, just make sure you know how to get out of their fast. As for suggestions.... excerise like mad, get yourself on a healthy, 40% protein 40% carb 20% good fats diet. Get into sports. Get outdoors as much as possible. I might still have LSD eyes and brain, but i'm much calmer now my body is perfectly healthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikethemerc1 Posted September 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 I think alot more people recover they just don't come back when they do. I know I didn't even want to hear the word hppd after It stabilized. I also think everyone can beat dp dr and once they do that they don't want to talk about the visuals after because it get s anxiety back up, that's just my opinion. I won't do that when this remisses again but obviously I won't want to obsess anymore and look for symptoms. As for the outdoors part I'm trying my best it feels like my head is going to explode when I go outside, like physical pain, although that's been getting better. I'm 21 right now so theres a hell of alot of drugs around me! But whatever I don't miss drugs, I do miss my whiskey though! Anyway thanks guys for the reassurance I need it everyday I wake and realize it wasn't a dream. You guys hang in there too, treatment I think is going to improve soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 6, 2012 Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 Some people recover while others do not. I unwittingly made the same mistake you have repeatedly in regards to smoking weed over the years without knowing it could further cause problems but you know what? It passes so chill the fuck out and out down the knife. You're going to be fine. I'm telling you as a 15 plus year vet if this shit you're going to be fine. I didn't read all of Jay's post (because I know to the "T" whathe'll say) but listen to him. I've waited too long to give up and I feel in my bones that in this life with the way science is outpacing policy that we will be restored. So pretty please, with sugar in top, don't fucking bleed our. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 6, 2012 Report Share Posted September 6, 2012 Some people recover while others do not. I unwittingly made the same mistake you have repeatedly in regards to smoking weed over the years without knowing it could further cause problems but you know what? It passes so chill the fuck out and out down the knife. You're going to be fine. I'm telling you as a 15 plus year vet if this shit you're going to be fine. I didn't read all of Jay's post (because I know to the "T" whathe'll say) but listen to him. I've waited too long to give up and I feel in my bones that in this life with the way science is outpacing policy that we will be restored. So pretty please, with sugar in top, don't fucking bleed our. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikethemerc1 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2012 I won't thanks man I must sound stupid compared to you guys that have hase this 15 years hell my first time wasnt even over 10 months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgrade Posted September 7, 2012 Report Share Posted September 7, 2012 Man ----Hope is really rippin' into you-------Mike it's ok man-----if you are feeling not so good, tell how you feel.------Hope has taken a pro-active role in this community and he definitely makes an effort toward the cause of finding new treatments. This has become most of our coping mechanisms.------But i have had the visual stuff of HPPD for about 15 years too-------And three episodes of psychotic breaks, dr/dp and years-long earth-shattering anxiety/panic. -----But I still feel that the reason for this site is to help people who really think they might not "come back". And with the knowledge that it can always get worse, there is no other way than to empathize. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikethemerc1 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2012 My hppd is "mild" compared to you guys, honestly this could be PTSD to my first time as the visuals aren't as bad as the first time. I know dp dr is a symptom of PTSD in which case I hate myself. But static isnt PTSD yet I Dont have swirling objects or unbearable trails or migraines like the first time. Guys hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morbide Posted September 7, 2012 Report Share Posted September 7, 2012 Since i've pretty much beaten the psychological part of hppd i think that i can't beat the visual parts as well, ignoring them isn't that hard for me anymore. I mean sure they bother me but durung my onset they were a hella lot worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VisualDude Posted September 7, 2012 Report Share Posted September 7, 2012 Well, so much for passive smoking ... Theres only one way to cure and that's to accept and move on and make it fade. I want to eat drugs right now though, l dopa keppra, painkillers, benzos, anything to make me forget the last 2 months of relapse. I have moments of inspiration and moments of desperation, times where I am in total isolation of my mind. My body is riddled with tremors, I can't think straight, all I can do is sit and wait. Wait for some permanent cure, wait for it to pass again. I'm lucky I know, compared to some of you. But I feel like I was released from prison and then framed and thrown back in Mortality is a prison if you think of it that way. On the other hand being a mortal means being alive !!! I don't like the limits of certain disabilities but there is a lot left. Life is so rich (even if you are poor) that noone can live it all ... so if a chunk is missing now, work with the pieces that are left. "Accept and move on" is important. As for waiting for some permanent cure ... all you can really do is try to direct your own life. If waiting doesn't work, then you can actually try meds or changes in diet, etc..., whatever What is your basis for saying PSTD? There are exact definitions of it, particularly being in a life threatening situation. More than DP/DR is required. Obviously your relapse was easily triggered. That simply shows that you are sensitive now - stability takes work. Agoraphobia, anxiety, ... all 'negative mental states' put pressure on your brain - - - just as did the joint. So you can work on that stuff. Part of accepting is chilling-out ... that will help you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikethemerc1 Posted September 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2012 My basis for PTSD is that it was secondhand pot smoke which is almost nothing, yet this is more than just anxiety. It happened like the first time after ayahuasca as I said in another post, exactly the same as the first time. Whatever the case my be I haven't shut down completely I'm actually coming back from school now, even though it's difficult cause thats where the joint was. I can beat this if I don't isolate from my life again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alice-acid Posted September 12, 2012 Report Share Posted September 12, 2012 i know exactly how u feel! back on this forum for the first time since about 6 months ago maybe a little less as i thought i was better. was my birthday yesterday and a little too much bday wine has brought me back here ): know exactly how you feel about the food being drugged things as well, i was eating a yoghurt before and was convinced it has acid in it because it tasted a little bit weird ull get through it though dont worry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikethemerc1 Posted September 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2012 Alcohol never triggered it back when i remissed but it killed me while I had it. I've had nights where I pounded enough whiskey to kill a horse and never retriggered hppd, again proving were all different when it comes to sensitivity to certain things. As for the paranoia, it's bad Alice I'm slowly getting over it through logical thinking ie, when I did drugs I wouldnt drug someone, bad for my wallet. Sfopping everything seems to be the only route Alice, I used to drink o douls for the year I had it, it helped in bar situations. I think there's a little alcohol in it though so I would just try and give up the booze for good... Easier said than done I know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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