Miracles do happen sometimes

[Ivan]

Hello everyone,

I browsed this forum for a long time now but never registered and never tried to write anything myself.

Sorry for my english and long post in advance. I wanted to tell you my story and cheer up a bit those having a hard time...

My HPPD started in 2005. I'd smoke cannabis often but it was a period when designer drugs were the "thing" in my country. I was an idiot teenager who decided to take this synthetic crap. My friend had the time of his life, I felt like dying, never had a bad trip before. Still I was dumb enough not to quit. And so we experimented over few weeks with all kinds of stuff. And finally this one time came, I was sure it's my end. Needless to say I ended up at ER heart failure. For a long time I wished I had died that day since this is when my nightmare started. Took me long time to recover from heart problems (and I still have some today) but my messed up vision stayed and the debilitating feeling of derealisation. Everything felt unreal, like a constant vertigo, as if I abandoned the world I used to live in and couldn't come back. Over the next six months I started a self-destruction cycle, my social life was over, I dropped out from school, stopped eating, I didn't care about anything anymore. I was so angry at myself that just one moment of stupidity has ruined my whole life. I tried to kill myself with sleeping pills once just to wake up two days later in hospital. I felt like this is what my parents would want, they were tired of me.

It was very tough, i felt alone with this (nobody could understand what I was going through). I swear I tried everything. Anti-depressants, herbal medicine, even acupuncture. I instantly quit any drugs forever. What worked for me was consultations with psychologist. I had a great luck to get the best doctor possible. He was great and understanding. In the beginning we would just talk about anything. He asked what my hobbies are, we talked about movies, pets, he mentioned his family, kids. It went on for few months and he really helped me. In the next months I still had the symptoms but I got back on track, he told me about habituation, taught me to ignore my HPPD for the most part, I finally could sleep with help of klonopine. Somehow the feeling of derealisation disappeared, or at least I stopped noticing it. The only thing that remained a problem was unstable vision and snow. I had problems reading for example. Everything blurred out and moved.

And fast forward to feb 2012. I will remember this day forever, on 3rd of february I just woke up in the morning and immediately noticed something has changed. Couldn't believe what was going on. The walls weren't moving anymore, the colors were stable and the only thing that remained was some snow. It was so amazing! I swear I forgot what was it like to see everything clear again. I didn't do anything special, it just went away completely on its own. I just cried like a little boy out of happiness.

I had this horrible thing for almost 7 years, now I got my life back, my journey is over. I just thought I would share this, stay strong guys and never give up.

[zukov]

Great! another nice recovery story! Thank you so much for sharing your experience dude! I hope someday wake up and feel normal again....

Are you still on klonopin?

[Gmo]

That's great to hear man. Did you ever have any depersonalization to go along with your other issues???? That's my biggest problem at the moment, and I really hope to beat it sometime soon.

[Ivan]

Hey there guys,

I still take klonopin occasionally before sleeping when I have bad thoughts. I worry it will come back when I wake up next day and become obsessed thinking about it. I quit everything forever, that is for sure. Even alcohol.

Regarding depersonalisation I am not sure what does it exactly mean. Doctors here have no idea about HPPD and they would diagnose me with depression, extreme anxiety or form of psychosis. If I should describe it felt like I was locked in a different twisted version of reality and couldnt come back. I felt like everything I was doing didn't happen in reality. I would be anxious and get panic attacks. It was always becoming worse at night. Also I had problems with my eyes, indoors the walls would be morphing and stretching all ways and I could never tell what color something is. I was afraid to drive a car because everything blured out.

Now I still have some "grainy" vision but it is nothing compared to what it was before. I forget about it unless I pay attention to it. I keep myself busy, watch movies, started a part time job as a store clerk (just for starters haha). I can only do light sports because I get quickly tired with my heart.

But I am very happy with this progress. I hope you all also get better, it is possible!

[mgrade]

wow.....that happened near my birthday.........about a week later 2012 the same thing happened to me just in reverse (i got HPPD again), Ivan..................

also: about around that time the Miami Zombie who I had seen walking around the downtown area before with the girlfriend, ate that guys face off about 4 blocks from my apartment there. ......small world

[zukov]

ivan: unfortunately all doctors diagnose the disorder under the label of "depression, anxiety, blah blah blah." In regards to what you've described, depersonalization is exactly that (at least for me and a great majority) If you have overcame that, I applaud you. You only need to remove the grainy vision, which I'm sure will happen soon.

[Lucifersam67]

That is amazing mate, I've been dreaming of that sort of moment for quite a while. Hopefully I'll have the same success in a few years!