nuroeone Posted July 2, 2012 Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 Having a really tough time lately, all i can think with this is negatively, this shit is ruining my life, when i see my visuals i just don't give a fuck and then they make me angry, i can't drink, i can't have fun at all sober, people think im boring, i will probably never be able to drive because of this shit, i honestly believe no one is truely cured they just come to accept it but my hppd is stronger then most by the looks of it and shows no signs of receding, so i can't see myself being able to live a normal life. I'm sorry for whinging or venting whatever the fuck you want to call it but i'm so close to turning back to booze and i dont know what to do, it will probably be the worst thing for me but will make me feel good again even if it is just temporary, i just feel like an empty shell of the person i was. I WANT TO BE MYSELF AGAIN! Through the week i am going to try and get some meds to reduce my visuals like sinemet but if they don't work i honestly don't know what i am going to do, i don't believe hppd can kill me but i do believe it is one day going to be my undoing that sends me over the edge, sorry for the scattered thoughts i just need some advice or help getting through this tough time, i don't know what to do, i just can't escape this shit. I thought i had a good handle on it but i obviously don't, fuck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ferret Posted July 2, 2012 Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 There is hope. I can assure you that I am nearly 100% cured. All I have now is some visual snow in the dark and a little more anxiety than I used to and a random freaky visual every once in a while. Don't fuck up your chance to heal. You've been sober for a while and should stay that way. Find a way to distract yourself and give it time, It can and probably will get better. You may never be back to normal completely but you will be a lot closer to it than you are right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuroeone Posted July 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 I just broke down in front of my mother, crying and even letting it out i can't escape it, see ghosting everywhere, like when the fuck am i gonna catch a break? Is it really going to get better because it does not seem that way to me and if thats the case i don't want to live a full life like this, i would rather run myself into the ground with alcohol, i'm a fuckin' mess anyway. I go to work which should be enough of a distraction and my visuals are still everywhere, feeling strange all the time is constant. I want some form of relief, I'm adapting to a life i don't want to live because of this shit and this is the only the first year of it, im 22 i could potentially have a long way to go but not with this.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2muchmandy Posted July 2, 2012 Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 Why are ur symptoms so bad. Did u drink alot prior to getting hppd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ferret Posted July 2, 2012 Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 I can assure you that I am very close to 100%, if one person can recover than others can too. Read Jay's story again he went through a few years of hell but his life appears to have been pretty good since. I really think that a hobby could do lot for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuroeone Posted July 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 I don't know what im into besides playing games on computers and i hate going outside in daylight because of my starbursting, i force myself too but i shouldnt have to force myself to do something so simple. I go out to clubs with my friends still but can't have fun like i used to while they all get drunk around me, my gf is getting bored and i can honestly see why, but this is not the person i am or want to be, i can be so much more than this. Yes, drinking was pretty much all i did prior to hppd, drugs were very present from about 16 to 18 and then became infrequent up until i got this bullshit, i also drank 9 months into hppd before it caused my symptoms to drastically change but im not even 100% sure that was the cause, how do i know its not just hppd progressing on its strange, fucked up course to destroy my mind. I just really need that break from reality but i also want this gone so i have a full grasp on what it feels like to feel normal again to enjoy the sun, to be able to drive, to not wake up and see snow everywhere or the walls breathing, ffs its hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2muchmandy Posted July 2, 2012 Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 As for driving etc not in the main road perhaps but how about getting to a track or something? Unleash all that fuckin rage. Just find something totally nuts. Speak to ur gf see what things shes always wanted to do. Do sunglasses help during the day? Aus is such a mad country. Surely theres something u can emmerse urself in to get ur life back. I know id be fucked without bmx or my car. I eat sleep bmw which takes up alotta thoughts and time. I definately think a hobby is something to try. Ur 22, u ever thought about skating or biking? Lots of indoor parks the sun wouldnt effect u Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gmo Posted July 3, 2012 Report Share Posted July 3, 2012 Have you tried driving??? I wouldn't stop driving if I was you. How long have you had HPPD for?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuroeone Posted July 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2012 Just over a year now, no, i haven't even got my liscence yet i am currently practicing for it then i will try my luck in the drivers seat, i'm very scared i could be a danger to others as my starbursts are often blinding during the day, the other worry i have is getting my provisionals to get those i will need to pass a test with an instructor next to me grading me, it would have to be under ideal weather conditions i.e cloudy (zero sunlight = zero starbursts) If i don't learn how to drive soon this could greatly effect my quality of life and limit me to things. Today, actually within the next hour i am going to see a doctor and try to get sinemet to try as i've heard this may give me some relief from the afterimages and starbursts, so hopefully i get it and it works for me, otherwise i don't know what i can do really. I will probably turn back to drinking and just give up on trying with this bullshit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2muchmandy Posted July 3, 2012 Report Share Posted July 3, 2012 dont give up dude, wait to try the meds. wish u all the best!! driving is a good tool in life, if u do get a lisence itl help u live fully and its a fun hobby...ur so busy driving u dont think about hppd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuroeone Posted July 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2012 I just got the meds, i will be starting them tommorow, im hoping they work in some way any relief from any symptom would be great. I will hold off on the drinking i was going to do this weekend in the hopes that this may work. I would have no problem driving if it were not for the starbursts, without being able to see them you can't begin to grasp how bad it is. They are impossible to ignore as they appear as soon as the right amount of light hits a certain spot, the bigger the surface it reflects off the bigger the starburst so think of it as looking at the sun but down on the road with all these laser like beams coming off into your eye but obstructing everything you see between that point to your eye. Sunglasses do help to stop afterimages but make the starbursts more noticeable by creating more beams, Also if the sunglasses are dirty, scratched or fogged up it also creates more of a disturbance. Its hard to explain but its really bad, if it were not for this symptoms i could go on with hppd, dp and dr and not give a single fuck about any of them. Hopefully this med will work though, thank you all for listening to my shit, it is much appreciated Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgrade Posted July 4, 2012 Report Share Posted July 4, 2012 Drinking won't help you. It's almost guaranteed that it's not going to make you feel better. I used to smoke a lot of pot and drink like 3-6 beers a day; soon after I got HPPD, I had to stop everything. I think your drug days are over (alcohol included). It may take a few months or up to 5 years or so; but I think things will get better. And this is a BS-sounding statement because every person that you have talked to about this has told you exactly the same thing. But I have been through the HPPD/flashback/psychological break thing 2X now. So I am saying is that I understand. We would not be here now if we didn't want you to get better. The first time I went through it, I drank some and smoked weed the first 3 or 4 months. Since than I have not touched alcohol or any illicit drugs. You probably just not going to be able to handle it. Because it will intensified all the symtoms. At this point, you are going to have to maintain any semblance of sanity that you can grasp on to. Hold on and wait this shit out. I, to this day, smoke cigarettes, and while i feel like I am dying from all the tar etc., for me it has taken some of the edge off. Get someone to show you some affection or massage the base of your skull. You could also go outside and beat some sheet metal with a baseball bat. We hear you brother ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaolinbomber Posted July 4, 2012 Report Share Posted July 4, 2012 I like the title for this thread! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cs1234 Posted July 4, 2012 Report Share Posted July 4, 2012 Adaption is very hard but you'll get through. Even if your visuals don't heal up 100% sooner or later you'll just get adjusted to HPPD and it won't bother you as much. It might take a while, but it'll happen eventually. This might not mean much coming from someone with mild symptoms, but from what I read on the board no matter how bad your HPPD is it'll become easier to handle eventually. I hope the sinemet works for you and remember to keep your head up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuroeone Posted July 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2012 Me and my girlfriend have broken up, i now feel even more so low, my dp and dr is through the roof. SO far the sinemet has not been working but its still early days but fuck now im just so depressed, this is never gonna end Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuroeone Posted July 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2012 Oh but despite all this i have decided not to drink as it really wont make me feel any better, as much as i would like to get absolutley railed i understand the risks and they are just to great, i believe if i was to drink and make my hppd worse i would not want to carry on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgrade Posted July 6, 2012 Report Share Posted July 6, 2012 Screw the girlfriend, if she ain't stickin' with ya, she should go f-herself. Just know that when you get better, you will be better than you have ever been. It's like in America, baseball players warmup by swinging 2 bats. When you get to the plate, it will be easier to knock it out of the park. Once this extra weight is lifted off you, it should be somewhat of a revelation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuroeone Posted July 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 7, 2012 Yeh most likely, but for the time being i feel like a piece of shit, i got enough on my plate, i dont need or want anymore. This shit physically effects me, i cant eat, lose sleep, cant work (or don't want to) and i cant even take an anti depressant or some shit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgrade Posted July 7, 2012 Report Share Posted July 7, 2012 Join the pack, buddy. I'm currently on my second "HPPD" bout, I'm f'cked up bad, and I'm only 6 months into it. And basically I have been messed up for the last 5 years with this stuff. I've been watching severely deformed people, cartel-slayings, and schizophrenics on youtube. This should put some perspective on to you. Things can alway get worse. Just open your heart now, forgive, and realize the time will come when you will clear the haze. It's ok. Take a step back and observe. If you have depression, take a step back and say "Man, that is some bad depression". And perhaps you can laugh about it a bit. For now, just lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ferret Posted July 7, 2012 Report Share Posted July 7, 2012 mgrade- what caused your second bout and how much had your symptoms died down in between? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgrade Posted July 7, 2012 Report Share Posted July 7, 2012 Somebody put something in my food and drink.........In between, i was virtually 75%-100% COMPLETELY cured. But it took me nearly 2-3 years to get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2muchmandy Posted July 7, 2012 Report Share Posted July 7, 2012 Somebody put something in my food and drink.........In between, i was virtually 75%-100% COMPLETELY cured. But it took me nearly 2-3 years to get better. im always scared about this? was it a friend? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgrade Posted July 8, 2012 Report Share Posted July 8, 2012 yeah.....well acquaintance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ferret Posted July 8, 2012 Report Share Posted July 8, 2012 Thats horrible man, fuck them. Did they know that you had a condition? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nuroeone Posted July 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2012 What a piece of shit, did you beat the living shit out of them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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