Tekodu

@scaredhuman thanks man, I'm definitely doing pretty well. I've realized my visual problems are pretty insignificant and ignorable unless I'm getting extremely anxious. The last few days have been pretty tough, however, as I made the mistake of getting wrapped up in the r/hppd subreddit and got filled with tons of negativity and worries that recovery is pretty much impossible, which in turn made me focus on the visuals more making me perceive them as even worse, thus producing more anxiety. The contrast between the positive and helpful community on this site and the existential negativity on Reddit is insane lol. I'm definitely not going to be getting into drugs again and looking back on it it was never fulfilling anyways. It's almost like I was always chasing a feeling that I could never really get to with drugs and now I'm free to chase some real fulfillment with my work and studies. I've actually considered getting more involved with the neurology program at Indiana University, where I'm a freshman studying social psychology, to hopefully make some contributions to the understanding and treatment of this disorder, even if it means just getting tests ran on me haha. I know recovery is still going to be a pretty long and tough path, but I'm really trying to turn this into a positive experience and hopefully come out of this even stronger and better than before. Hope you're getting on well and see some improvements yourself!

Quick Update: Been a little more than a month total since developing HPPD and about 3 weeks since taking adderall and getting a pretty bad flareup. I feel like I'm pretty much back down to baseline and am honestly pretty confused as to where I'm at right now haha. I don't notice the visuals a whole lot anymore, but I can't really tell whether that's because the symptoms are fading or I'm just getting used to them. The only time I really notice symptoms are if my anxiety is in high gear, so I think it's more external things causing anxiety which then causes more noticeable visual symptoms, thus making my anxiety worse. I've also been trying to stay off this site and the HPPD subreddit since they cause my anxiety to really kick up as many others have said. What's weird is that it feels like I don't really have visual snow anymore, like I can't really see precise graininess as much as this hard to describe annoying saturation, which is mainly noticeable outside. I'm grateful to be at the point where I'm questioning these things again lol, but I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac, so there's a chance I could be making shit seem worse in my head. I've also had a few episodes of pretty bad depression, but I think it could also be from still getting accustomed to having to deal with life and all my problems without just being able to go make myself feel better by smoking some weed or taking some adderall lol. I've been totally sober, working out every day, and been on a pretty good diet (I actually lost 10 pounds in the past month, which I've been trying to start doing for a while!). Hoping everything recedes in a few months and I can just forget about this by the time university starts.

@Reflector I've found working out to be an anxiety killer as well, but I hadn't heard of brainwave entrainment or coherent breathing until now. They both seem really interesting, but I think meditation and mindfulness are also pretty effective for me, so I'll do some experimenting. Also, damn 35 years? I only had a daily habit for about 2 years rarely being able to handle more than a few days off and straight up cold turkeyed after anxiously downing 1000mg of edibles over the first two days of symptoms. I'm pretty sure the withdrawal is what kicked my ass the first two weeks, but I'm lucky as hell to be where I am right now. My VS is back down to only really being noticeable with solid colors and low light and the only other things annoying the shit out of me are floaters and tracers (which I can honestly enjoy a little bit when bored lol). So, thank god I don't have many psychological symptoms anymore - that's what really scared me to death. Curious about what you do in tech? I work at an ecommerce startup doing visual marketing and ux design as well as being in the very early stages of a retail space rental startup I founded with a few friends.

@cosmiccharlie @Hall89 thanks guys, I think I’m gonna hold off on the medication at least for a few months and just see what happens. I’ve been working out daily, eating healthy, and meditating much more after quitting a daily weed habit as well, all of which I was trying to do before the hppd so I’m honestly thankful it drove me to take those steps, especially since I’m a young tech startup founder also about to start university in a few months, so those things were really necessary for my future. Also feeling quite lucky since I’m just left with relatively light visual symptoms now, so I’ll try to keep up the positive attitude!

So, I developed HPPD about 3 weeks ago after going a bit too far microdosing LSD. I had some incapacitating anxiety alongside moderate vs for about a week when the anxiety was replaced by some intense dpdr and brainfog. The week after that I could barley notice anything besides light vs that was unnoticeable unless consciously looking for it on a white wall. Then, about 5 days ago I made the stupid decision to try 10mg of prescribed adderall two days in a row because I thought I might not have legit long-term HPPD. I subsequently received a severe reality check in the form of worsening vs that’s now noticeable outside alongside bfep that I hadn’t noticed before. I’m hoping this is not a permanent worsening and that I’ll get back down to my previous baseline soon, but I recently received a sertraline prescription from my psychiatrist for the anxiety. My anxiety is almost entirely a result of the visual disturbances, and after reading several accounts of SSRIs like sertraline making visuals worse, I would think taking the medication might just be counterproductive. I’m confident I can handle the anxiety medication-free although it would be nice to feel a bit better, so I’m wondering if there is a serious risk of sertraline exacerbating visual symptoms. I still have pretty light visual symptoms compared to most of the experiences I’ve read, so I very much do not want to take any serious risk of worsening, especially considering that I seemed to be recovering quite quickly prior to my adderall fuckup. Also, it’s god damn annoying how every single medication that’s helped someone’s symptoms has also made another person’s symptoms equally worse. It’s like quality-of-life russian roulette with anything that could treat this bullshit. (I was also prescribed hydroxyzine, but after reading several accounts of people’s symptoms permanently worsening, I’m not touching that shit)

So, I’m almost a month into some mild HPPD(vs, trails, dpdr), and although it has been extremely distressing, I can’t help but see some benefits as a creative person interested in the human experience. I’d say my creative abilities have increased pretty noticeably since my onset; I think the dpdr allows for far greater visualization and contemplation that really helps to take an objective perspective on life. I have always been into many different creative areas like fashion, art, architecture, furniture, photography, and even some tech design, so those things have also served as very effective coping mechanisms. The main cost of this has been some pretty severe brain fog and cognitive dysfunction that have really impacted a lot of the larger projects I have going on(really hope this goes away soon), but I do see this new perspective as a sort of creative aide. I also feel much more appreciative and attentive to my visual surroundings since my vs is only noticeable with solid colors and artificial light. I’m wondering if there are any other artists or creatives on here who have felt similarly about this. (Also, if anyone on here is looking for some more methods to cope, I highly suggest some sort of creative expression - the relief and satisfaction are immense!)